As odd as this sounds, the Japanese actually made a film about a giant squid that wrestles people. The movie opens with a wrestler winning the championship belt in a title match in front of thousands of fans. Suddenly, the belt is snatched out of the champs hand by a giant squid, who proceeds to hand out an ass-whoopin’ to a handful of wrestlers, including the recently-crowned champ. Wow. I don’t think I ever imagined I would just write those words.
The wrestling commissioner wants to make money by staging an official rematch between the champ and the squid, but he wants the squid to throw the match for publicity’s sake. The squid isn’t havin’ it. The squid is actually the former champ come back in the body of a squid. The squid is after both the title and the champ’s girlfriend, and he’s got to somehow convince the commissioner to let him fight. He’s fighting to get his girl back, so he’s got motivation on his side. The final championship match is set up, but there are some surprises in store.
This film is utterly stupid. It’s not even amusing to watch and there’s no action. It’s supposed to be entertaining, especially since it’s about an entertainment mechanism (wrestling), but it totally flops as far as plot (even *I* didn’t expect this weak of a plot). There could have been more wrestling and more explosions and more drama or more hilarious dialogue or simply some fantastical action – it’s a freaking SQUID movie after all. But they act like it’s totally normal and kill all of the hype I had expected in this film. I’m super disappointed in this film. You’ll tell people about this one, but you won’t let them watch it, if you want to keep your friends.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Without a Paddle
Four friends grew up together and have pretty different personalities. Once, they’re older they’ve gone their separate ways. One of them dies and they all come back to Oregon for the funeral. They go find their old tree house and there’s a box with what amounts to a treasure map inside that Billy left them shortly before he died. So they owe it to Billy to follow the map and find the treasure. They head onto the river in a canoe with minimal supplies and then a whole bunch of ridiculous things that would never happen actually happen. Seth green gets carried away by a bear and they have to rescue him. Brother Randy is hunting fish with dynamite. They hit super bad rapids and launch over a huge waterfall. Then they find Brother Randy is growing pot in the woods. Then they run into two hot lesbian hippies in a treehouse. And of course, they run into Burt Reynolds living like Grizzly Adams in the woods as well. None of these things are remotely believe and the acting in this movie is so outlandish that it’s painful at times. Since this movie was recommended to me, I’ll go slightly easy on the bad-mouthing of it, but not on the rating. This movie was pretty terrible. And not in a good way, like usual. Don’t watch this one.
Sukiyaki Western Django
If you’re not familiar with Takashi Miike, then you should move out of the box you’re living in and get some culture – I say that, but by crawling out of that box, you’ll be opening yourself up for one of the most messed up minds in Japanese horror/gore/weird films. When Miike makes a western, you’ll pay attention. Sukiyaki Western Django is a samurai western – yes, Japanese cowboys with swords. Where’s the bad?!?
The movie opens with some bad CGI birds – seriously, between Noah’s Ark and this movie, I’m wondering if birds are extremely difficult to do special effects with. And if it is, why do directors insist on putting birds in every shot? Geeeesh. Anyway, Quentin Tarantino tells the story to some people who are holding him at gunpoint: there’s two clans, the reds and the whites and they battle in Nevada, where they live across the street from each other. They’re in town looking for this hidden gold and they constantly argue and shoot each other up. Most of the actual townspeople have left because of all the fighting over gold. A stranger shows up in town and tells both the reds and the whites that he’ll hire himself out to the highest bidder in return for a portion of the gold when he finds it. They fight and haggle over it and there’s no real clear winner.
A wagon shows up (pulled by a bunch of people) and it’s carrying dynamite and also a coffin with a giant automatic machine gun. The reds try to hijack the wagon and end up getting blown to bits by the machine gun. Tarantino shows up later as an old man after he has trained Blood Benton (Double-B) to be a fancy gunfighter. She’s quite the badass, actually. The conniving town sheriff has a bad case of the angel/demon on the shoulder and it makes him beat himself up occasionally. The keepers of the town gold bring it into the town plaza and when the whites try to take the gold, someone shoots them in their peni. Yup, really. There’s a big shoot out at the end of the movie involving the reds, the whites, and the keepers of the gold.
This movie was slightly entertaining, but nothing like Miike’s other films. I found myself pretty bored and felt like the previews and trailer showed the best scenes and made it out to be MUCH more entertaining than it actually was. I was very disappointed. However, some of the actors haven’t learned English (CLEARLY) and someone has taught them the individual phonetic syllables in Japanese sounds, so it’s quite painful, but borderline hilarious. You can tell Miike made this film, but it’s no wonder why it made a big splash (because it had some backing from Tarantino, obviously) and then fizzled out quickly. It’s very unfortunate, as I had really high hopes for this film before its release.
The movie opens with some bad CGI birds – seriously, between Noah’s Ark and this movie, I’m wondering if birds are extremely difficult to do special effects with. And if it is, why do directors insist on putting birds in every shot? Geeeesh. Anyway, Quentin Tarantino tells the story to some people who are holding him at gunpoint: there’s two clans, the reds and the whites and they battle in Nevada, where they live across the street from each other. They’re in town looking for this hidden gold and they constantly argue and shoot each other up. Most of the actual townspeople have left because of all the fighting over gold. A stranger shows up in town and tells both the reds and the whites that he’ll hire himself out to the highest bidder in return for a portion of the gold when he finds it. They fight and haggle over it and there’s no real clear winner.
A wagon shows up (pulled by a bunch of people) and it’s carrying dynamite and also a coffin with a giant automatic machine gun. The reds try to hijack the wagon and end up getting blown to bits by the machine gun. Tarantino shows up later as an old man after he has trained Blood Benton (Double-B) to be a fancy gunfighter. She’s quite the badass, actually. The conniving town sheriff has a bad case of the angel/demon on the shoulder and it makes him beat himself up occasionally. The keepers of the town gold bring it into the town plaza and when the whites try to take the gold, someone shoots them in their peni. Yup, really. There’s a big shoot out at the end of the movie involving the reds, the whites, and the keepers of the gold.
This movie was slightly entertaining, but nothing like Miike’s other films. I found myself pretty bored and felt like the previews and trailer showed the best scenes and made it out to be MUCH more entertaining than it actually was. I was very disappointed. However, some of the actors haven’t learned English (CLEARLY) and someone has taught them the individual phonetic syllables in Japanese sounds, so it’s quite painful, but borderline hilarious. You can tell Miike made this film, but it’s no wonder why it made a big splash (because it had some backing from Tarantino, obviously) and then fizzled out quickly. It’s very unfortunate, as I had really high hopes for this film before its release.
Stevie
A guy from Southern Illinois University spent some time being a “big brother” to Stevie in the 80’s and feels guilty about not keeping in touch 10 years later. This is the story of him going back to visit Stevie and his family and get caught up. Stevie is kind of a slow nerdy racist redneck with big glasses. He lives with his grandmother because his mother allegedly beat him pretty good. There’s all kinds of threats of killing each other (mother and son) and now he’s living at grandma’s house.
He’s got a girlfriend/fiancé that’s kind of “touched” as well, but they’re truly happy together. They love each other and say nice things about each other. Her parents don’t like Stevie because he drinks and smokes weed. But as long as he doesn’t hit her, they’ll leave Stevie and their daughter alone. Stevie was married once before, but he tried to kill her (and failed), so clearly he’s got a temper. The Big Brother brings his family down to see Stevie, since it’s been ten years, and the kids have to leave the room when Stevie talks about killing his ex-wife.
Stevie has a bit of a criminal record and the Big Brother tries to keep in touch with him. Stevie was in jail the next trip down to see him, for allegedly sexually assaulting a child, and the family is convinced that it’s a set-up by Stevie’s mother. This is all weird because the mother comes to see Stevie in prison, and we’re not sure the whole story is being told. The fiancé says she won’t let Stevie back into her house, but you can kind of tell she’s waffling about it.
Big Brother gets a phone call one day and Stevie is getting out of prison, but he wanted Big Brother to loan him a hundred dollars bail money to get out. But Big Brother’s wife won’t let him post bail for him. Eventually, the mother and/or grandmother post the bail and he gets out. Big Brother goes back to discuss what’s going to happen with the grandmother and explains why he didn’t give him the money and then discusses it with Stevie to see if he understands it all too. Big Brother finally gets to talk to Stevie’s mom and it doesn’t go all that well.
Big Brother recounts Stevie’s childhood, failed placements in group and foster homes and mental hospitals and behavior disorder schools and drug therapy. Clearly, Stevie loves his family and would do anything for them, however, they’re all mean to Stevie, and he’s mean right back. That’s how they operate. Really bizarre. He’s a super grudge-holder and makes his fiancé feel awful by saying her father isn’t going to be able to see their kids if they have some. They want to get married, but he’s not wearing a tux or a suit and he’s kind of an ass about it. They end up at a dance club in downtown Chicago and he gets all sloppy drunk and belligerent with his lady and dancing with random people. When he got back home to Pamona, he got worse and more troublesome and raising hell with the townspeople. Stevie pleads guilty to a child molestation charge and his racist friend tells him he’ll help him get into the Aryan Brotherhood in prison, and it’s pretty messed up.
This movie is super depressing. I mean gut-wrenchingly depressing. These people have given up on Stevie, on each other, and on life as a whole. Stevie’s friend flat out says it – it just doesn’t matter anymore. You feel bad for Stevie, but at the same time, you know how helpless and vulnerable he is. It’s a really good documentary and at the same time, it’s brutal. Big Brother asks Stevie and his family some difficult questions and gets to the heart of a lot of things. This film is not remotely uplifting in any way shape or form, but it’s really quite good. Are you supposed to feel bad for Stevie? Are you supposed to blame his family for raising him that way? Do you get mad at society for throwing him from foster home to group home? You’ll feel very conflicted watching this film, I can assure you that. And clocking in at over 2 hours, you’re going to be emotionally exhausted. Needless to say, NOT a date movie.
He’s got a girlfriend/fiancé that’s kind of “touched” as well, but they’re truly happy together. They love each other and say nice things about each other. Her parents don’t like Stevie because he drinks and smokes weed. But as long as he doesn’t hit her, they’ll leave Stevie and their daughter alone. Stevie was married once before, but he tried to kill her (and failed), so clearly he’s got a temper. The Big Brother brings his family down to see Stevie, since it’s been ten years, and the kids have to leave the room when Stevie talks about killing his ex-wife.
Stevie has a bit of a criminal record and the Big Brother tries to keep in touch with him. Stevie was in jail the next trip down to see him, for allegedly sexually assaulting a child, and the family is convinced that it’s a set-up by Stevie’s mother. This is all weird because the mother comes to see Stevie in prison, and we’re not sure the whole story is being told. The fiancé says she won’t let Stevie back into her house, but you can kind of tell she’s waffling about it.
Big Brother gets a phone call one day and Stevie is getting out of prison, but he wanted Big Brother to loan him a hundred dollars bail money to get out. But Big Brother’s wife won’t let him post bail for him. Eventually, the mother and/or grandmother post the bail and he gets out. Big Brother goes back to discuss what’s going to happen with the grandmother and explains why he didn’t give him the money and then discusses it with Stevie to see if he understands it all too. Big Brother finally gets to talk to Stevie’s mom and it doesn’t go all that well.
Big Brother recounts Stevie’s childhood, failed placements in group and foster homes and mental hospitals and behavior disorder schools and drug therapy. Clearly, Stevie loves his family and would do anything for them, however, they’re all mean to Stevie, and he’s mean right back. That’s how they operate. Really bizarre. He’s a super grudge-holder and makes his fiancé feel awful by saying her father isn’t going to be able to see their kids if they have some. They want to get married, but he’s not wearing a tux or a suit and he’s kind of an ass about it. They end up at a dance club in downtown Chicago and he gets all sloppy drunk and belligerent with his lady and dancing with random people. When he got back home to Pamona, he got worse and more troublesome and raising hell with the townspeople. Stevie pleads guilty to a child molestation charge and his racist friend tells him he’ll help him get into the Aryan Brotherhood in prison, and it’s pretty messed up.
This movie is super depressing. I mean gut-wrenchingly depressing. These people have given up on Stevie, on each other, and on life as a whole. Stevie’s friend flat out says it – it just doesn’t matter anymore. You feel bad for Stevie, but at the same time, you know how helpless and vulnerable he is. It’s a really good documentary and at the same time, it’s brutal. Big Brother asks Stevie and his family some difficult questions and gets to the heart of a lot of things. This film is not remotely uplifting in any way shape or form, but it’s really quite good. Are you supposed to feel bad for Stevie? Are you supposed to blame his family for raising him that way? Do you get mad at society for throwing him from foster home to group home? You’ll feel very conflicted watching this film, I can assure you that. And clocking in at over 2 hours, you’re going to be emotionally exhausted. Needless to say, NOT a date movie.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Anatomy of Hell
This French film opens with a guy performing felatio on another man in an alley outside a club, and I don’t mean hinting at it – I mean full-on shows it. Viva la France. Inside the club, there’s a lot of gay men dancing and grinding on each other while a random girl strolls through the crowd. She’s on a mission to kill herself and tries to cut her wrists in the bathroom, but a guy stops her. He gets her fixed up and walks her home (she blows him on the way).
She wants to pay the guy to watch her roll around naked and do things to her. She’s trying to convert him from being gay or something. It’s kind of difficult to tell, since he’s critiquing her very clinically and she’s asking for all kinds of input, saying he knows nothing about women. He talks about the deceptive softness of women and how it’s a trap (all true, of course).
The movie is pretty graphic, with all kinds of things inside other things. There’s a female narrator, presumably, the woman paying the man, who tells you all kinds of intimate secrets about what women are thinking. Then the voice is that of the man, so it’s confusing a bit. He basically has his way with her while she’s just a rag doll for his experimentation. He comes back subsequent nights and does the same thing, though sometimes with gardening implements. There is a tampon scene that will flip squeamish people out, fo sho.
At the end, the guy doesn’t want to take the money because he actually felt something for her, but he does anyway, to sort of wrap up the contract. He has a heart to heart with a guy at a bar about how he shared utter intimacy with this woman and never even found out her name. Then, he leaves all the money she paid him (which is a LOT) for the bartender.
Despite the film being about 85% naked woman and 5% naked guy, it’s not nearly as arousing as one might think. Yes, the French have pushed the envelope with nudity and f’d-upedness, they certainly haven’t pushed the boundaries of a little thing we call plot. I won’t say it doesn’t have a point because it appears to be a mechanism for a modern woman to tell her perspective of intercourse and what she feels and doesn’t feel and what she fakes feeling because she knows men want to hear it. And, of course, it’s much easier to get guys to watch this sort of film is you do the entire thing naked – I’ll admit it. The film is at most, interesting. Not anything I’d rave about, so I’m telling you these things so when you see the box for this film, you won’t be duped into thinking it’s the most awesome movie in the world. It isn’t.
She wants to pay the guy to watch her roll around naked and do things to her. She’s trying to convert him from being gay or something. It’s kind of difficult to tell, since he’s critiquing her very clinically and she’s asking for all kinds of input, saying he knows nothing about women. He talks about the deceptive softness of women and how it’s a trap (all true, of course).
The movie is pretty graphic, with all kinds of things inside other things. There’s a female narrator, presumably, the woman paying the man, who tells you all kinds of intimate secrets about what women are thinking. Then the voice is that of the man, so it’s confusing a bit. He basically has his way with her while she’s just a rag doll for his experimentation. He comes back subsequent nights and does the same thing, though sometimes with gardening implements. There is a tampon scene that will flip squeamish people out, fo sho.
At the end, the guy doesn’t want to take the money because he actually felt something for her, but he does anyway, to sort of wrap up the contract. He has a heart to heart with a guy at a bar about how he shared utter intimacy with this woman and never even found out her name. Then, he leaves all the money she paid him (which is a LOT) for the bartender.
Despite the film being about 85% naked woman and 5% naked guy, it’s not nearly as arousing as one might think. Yes, the French have pushed the envelope with nudity and f’d-upedness, they certainly haven’t pushed the boundaries of a little thing we call plot. I won’t say it doesn’t have a point because it appears to be a mechanism for a modern woman to tell her perspective of intercourse and what she feels and doesn’t feel and what she fakes feeling because she knows men want to hear it. And, of course, it’s much easier to get guys to watch this sort of film is you do the entire thing naked – I’ll admit it. The film is at most, interesting. Not anything I’d rave about, so I’m telling you these things so when you see the box for this film, you won’t be duped into thinking it’s the most awesome movie in the world. It isn’t.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Ashes of Time Redux
This is a Chinese film about a swordsman, Huang, who shows up at a friend of his’ house (Feng) with a jug of magic wine that makes people forget. He doesn’t believe it, but tries it anyway and actually forgets his past. He goes back to find out some things about his past and also about the person that gave him the wine. Feng is sort of a middle man that connects swordsmen with people who need swordsmen. Huang was drunk and agreed to marry what appears to be a tranny’s sister. This is where I get confused, is the tranny the sister as well?!?! Agghh!!!) Huang skips out on the promise to marry the sister and the tranny hires Feng to kill Huang.
To complicate things, there are various other things going on with Feng. He’s trying to hire swordsmen to kill a band of roving thieves. He hires a few people, which ends up weird – one he tries to pimp on some people because he’s wearing shoes, unlike other hired swordsmen. And another one is going blind and wants to get home to see some flowers blooming (aka his wife) before he goes completely blind. I won’t tell you how it ends, mostly because I’m not sure how it ends. I’m bad with symbolism, so what I saw on the screen might not have been what actually happened. Lots of people die though, so be ready for that.
This movie is super confusing (or maybe I’m super slow). I literally had to watch this film twice and I’m still not sure everything in it made sense. That being said, I really liked it a lot. There’s great action, great choreographed fighting, great costumes and special effects, and believable acting (even with subtitles). I’m not sure I could explain this any better even if I watched it a few more times. It’s convoluted, but strangely draws you in, nonetheless. I’d love to give this a higher rating than this, but it was simply too confusing for me. If you can figure it out, it might rank higher on your own list, since I already think it’s pretty good. It’s a re-edited version of the film put out in 2004, so I’m curious if it’s more linear in the earlier version, but I’m guessing it’s not as visually stunning as this one is.
To complicate things, there are various other things going on with Feng. He’s trying to hire swordsmen to kill a band of roving thieves. He hires a few people, which ends up weird – one he tries to pimp on some people because he’s wearing shoes, unlike other hired swordsmen. And another one is going blind and wants to get home to see some flowers blooming (aka his wife) before he goes completely blind. I won’t tell you how it ends, mostly because I’m not sure how it ends. I’m bad with symbolism, so what I saw on the screen might not have been what actually happened. Lots of people die though, so be ready for that.
This movie is super confusing (or maybe I’m super slow). I literally had to watch this film twice and I’m still not sure everything in it made sense. That being said, I really liked it a lot. There’s great action, great choreographed fighting, great costumes and special effects, and believable acting (even with subtitles). I’m not sure I could explain this any better even if I watched it a few more times. It’s convoluted, but strangely draws you in, nonetheless. I’d love to give this a higher rating than this, but it was simply too confusing for me. If you can figure it out, it might rank higher on your own list, since I already think it’s pretty good. It’s a re-edited version of the film put out in 2004, so I’m curious if it’s more linear in the earlier version, but I’m guessing it’s not as visually stunning as this one is.
Up in the Air
This recent film stars George Clooney as Ryan Bingham, a traveling “termination manager” – he flies around the country working for companies downsizing and he fires people. He’s on the road (or the air) 95% of his time and actually complains if he has to spend time at home. His family doesn’t see him, he doesn’t get tied down with relationships or responsibility or commitments, and one day, his company decides they’re going to shift to an online version of what he does. Clearly he’s not happy. Natalie, a recent college grad, has talked Ryan’s boss into doing the firing virtually and saving the company tons of money in expenses. Ryan unwillingly takes Natalie along on one of his trips so she can see how what he does matters to people in person. She’s a little taken aback by some of the employees reactions to being let go, since one of them go by the book. Ryan is working a book deal on the side, as well as speaking engagements, and also finds himself in the beginnings of a relationship with a woman named Alex (Vera Farmiga from The Boy in the Striped Pajamas). Vera rocks his world in a good way and Natalie rocks his world in a bad way. Ryan gets invited to a relative’s wedding and invites Vera. Things get all girly and I heard people in the theater crying openly. Uncomfortable… Anyway, things don’t go as planned with either girl, and Ryan finds himself back in the old routine.
The film is quite good, though it is very depressing and slow paced – intentionally. I really enjoyed the acting in it and it’s likely a very good portrayal of life on the road. There were times I thought the music was a bit odd and sometimes distracted from the scenes, but take that with a grain of salt since I’m a musician from way back. Great shots of the cities they travel to, which are numerous and are well portrayed (except for Omaha, which is tough to portray well – suck it, Nebraska). For the girls who are Clooney fans, he occasionally shows up in a robe or shirtless, but you’re likely to be depressed by the whole thing. That being said, it’s still a worthwhile film.
The film is quite good, though it is very depressing and slow paced – intentionally. I really enjoyed the acting in it and it’s likely a very good portrayal of life on the road. There were times I thought the music was a bit odd and sometimes distracted from the scenes, but take that with a grain of salt since I’m a musician from way back. Great shots of the cities they travel to, which are numerous and are well portrayed (except for Omaha, which is tough to portray well – suck it, Nebraska). For the girls who are Clooney fans, he occasionally shows up in a robe or shirtless, but you’re likely to be depressed by the whole thing. That being said, it’s still a worthwhile film.
Volver
This is a Spanish film about a family living in Madrid. The mother and father have passed away in a fire and the elderly aunt is getting up there in years and bit crazy. The daughter pops in to take care of the aunt and the aunt keeps talking as if the mother were still around taking care of her. She writes it off as crazy talk, but after the aunt dies, we find out the mother faked her death in the fire and has been taking care of the aunt. The mother goes and hides out at her other daughter’s house and pretends to be a Russian hair dresser and steers clear of the oldest daughter.
Meanwhile, the oldest daughter illegally borrows her friend’s abandoned restaurant to start a catering business. And finds out her own daughter has killed her boyfriend when he gets drunk and tries to rape her one night. They hide the body for a while in the restaurant and the whole thing is just weird. The oldest daughter eventually finds out about her mother still being alive and shacking up with her sister. A family friend gets diagnosed with cancer and the supposedly-dead mother simply moves houses to take care of the cancer lady. It’s kind of a touching story and I was pleasantly surprised with this film. There’s not a ton of action in it, however, the Spaniards do enjoy some plot, so I feel like this film is one of the better foreign films. Additionally, it's got singing parts in it, which never thrills me, but that's my own personal beef with films. It’s got a couple of plot twists I didn’t see coming either, so it’s got that going for it.
The film stars Penelope Cruz as the oldest daughter, and a lot of other actors who aren’t big names, but act very well. The film is a little far fetched, but aside from two women carrying a dead body down a wide-open street, it’s fun enough to be believable. This is a film for the ladies, so if you like ‘splosions and fire, you’re not going to get it in this film. Even so, it’s worth watching.
Meanwhile, the oldest daughter illegally borrows her friend’s abandoned restaurant to start a catering business. And finds out her own daughter has killed her boyfriend when he gets drunk and tries to rape her one night. They hide the body for a while in the restaurant and the whole thing is just weird. The oldest daughter eventually finds out about her mother still being alive and shacking up with her sister. A family friend gets diagnosed with cancer and the supposedly-dead mother simply moves houses to take care of the cancer lady. It’s kind of a touching story and I was pleasantly surprised with this film. There’s not a ton of action in it, however, the Spaniards do enjoy some plot, so I feel like this film is one of the better foreign films. Additionally, it's got singing parts in it, which never thrills me, but that's my own personal beef with films. It’s got a couple of plot twists I didn’t see coming either, so it’s got that going for it.
The film stars Penelope Cruz as the oldest daughter, and a lot of other actors who aren’t big names, but act very well. The film is a little far fetched, but aside from two women carrying a dead body down a wide-open street, it’s fun enough to be believable. This is a film for the ladies, so if you like ‘splosions and fire, you’re not going to get it in this film. Even so, it’s worth watching.
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