I generally have good luck with recommendations from Amazon.com regarding movies I should purchased because I also purchased some other random movie. The key word is generally. I don’t even remember why they recommended it, sadly. The film is about a 12-year old girl living in Rome. Her mother has abandoned her and left her with unlimited money in a bank account. The girl has done well taking care of herself, except for catching… the crazy.
Jenny has been using the money her mother left her to study various topics and to get to know Rome. She speaks a little Italian so she is functional on the streets, and she spends her days reading texts and classics so she can impress her tutor (who she’s in love with).
She’s got a dog – her only friend in the world. But it’s not really a dog. It’s an 8-foot tall dog/wolf/man named George. George goes out with her on the streets of Rome at night and they hand out justice when they see someone doing something bad. Seriously, she sees someone steal something? She has George cut off their hands. She sees someone break into a house, she follows them and has George gouge out their eyes and kill them. I told you she has the crazy.
Jenny’s grandmother from NYC shows up to take Jenny back to the US. Jenny isn’t having it. Jenny poisons her grandmother and eventually ties her up and mutilates her body so she can’t move. She also gives her peanut butter since her grandmother is deathly allergic. Jenny is a rotten little kid.
This is where you ask yourself “Why did they call this Red Riding Hood?” Well, dummies, it’s because she has red boots and has a wolf friend. She also tells her grandmother the story of Little Red Riding Hood to put her grandmother to sleep, but it’s from the wolf’s perspective. That’s the only connection. The rest of the film has nothing to do with the fairy tale.
The acting in the movie is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m serious. It’s rushed and Jenny is nervous and mumbles her lines nervously. She’s also amazingly fake and contrived and not believable at all. The grandmother isn’t much better, nor are any of the minor characters which Jenny kills. The special effects are almost as bad as the acting. You can’t get shot in the head, hold your hand up to the fake wound, and make a sad face before you wiggle your body to the ground.
Don’t waste your time with this film. The scenery from Rome is nice and makes me really want to go back there again. But I’ll make sure to avoid any Americans wearing red galoshes.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Predators (2010)
Predators is the newest edition of the Predator saga. I know people keep complaining about these when they come out, but enough people are going to see them that they keep making more. So I’m assuming people want to see more explosions and guns and fire and aliens than we are led to believe. It will never be as good as the original (that goes without saying, but I said it anyway), but it ended up far better than I thought.
Here’s the plot: 8 people are dropped into a jungle in the middle of who-knows-where. These people gain consciousness in free fall from thousands of feet up and their parachutes open up at the last minute to almost slow their descent into the canopy. These people don’t know why they’re here or who each other are. They have some conversations and realize they’re all killers. A couple of military people (both official and non-official), a couple vigilante fighters (including Machete… I mean Danny Trejo), a Yakuza (and clearly ninja since all Asians are skilled at martial arts – racism), a convicted rapist, and Eric from That 70’s Show (playing Eric from That 70’s Show). Now they have to figure out why they are together and where they are.
They traipse across all kinds of wilderness – which frankly reminded me of the various scenery from Where the Wild Things Are – and eventually discover they’re not on Earth. A couple of planets and moons over a mountain range confirm that. Strangely, Eric, who is a doctor or some sort, knows all the names of the plants and which ones are poisonous. He must have studied a LOT in doctorin’ school.
They are attacked by these horned wild boar dog aliens and remain victorious. This is where they begin to realize they’re being hunted by something very bad. The dogs were called off by some sort of whistle/call and the group is left to think about their situation out loud like no one ever does. While running, they come across a handful of broken (and empty) cages which used to hold something nasty, including CGI cockroaches). They run across a fallen soldier who has booby trapped a HUGE perimeter and almost kill the small group. It’s here that the macho man leader (Adrien Brody) tell us the proper weight for a swinging log to knock over a person is exactly 5 times the size of the thing you’re trying to take out. Yes, tough guy, he weighed the predator and then weighed the tree trunk to determine which randomly available tree trunk he would use in the booby trap.
The group decides to go into the camp of the predators to determine what they were fighting against, which *I* think is a bad idea. There’s a predator chained to a pillar, being held captive in the camp, and they poke it with a stick. Brilliant. The predators not chained up attack and tough guy uses the group as bait to figure out what the creatures are. The predators then systematically kill off the group one by one, starting with Danny Trejo. I’m assuming this was the tradeoff so he could star in Machete! “OK guys, I’ll let you kill me first if I can be the master bloodsprayer in Machete. Deal!”
Insert an hour of explosions and fire and bullets here.
They run into Larry Fishburne in the woods. He gets what’s left of the group up into his little bachelor pad and gives them some back ground on the situation they’re in – this happens once a season, predators hunt humans, predators learn the human tricks and are slowly becoming invincible, blah blah blah, here’s some soup. Larry is a scavenger who dresses in the predator’s armor and is able to use their cloaking devices and weapons. He’s also bat-shit crazy and talks to imaginary people. Larry then tries to kill them for their supplies and weapons. The ensuing fire and battle draw the predators to the house and cue more explosions, fire, and bullets.
Insert awkward ninja sword fight in a grassy meadow.
Tough guy Brody has a plan to go back to the camp, unchain the captive predator, and somehow convince him to be friends and fly him back to earth in his spaceship. Really? He somehow manages to do this and the predator fires up the ship and sends him off. The once-captive predator then has to fight the head predator in a death match of swords and claws (and zero lasers, for some reason). And I also think it’s weird that the predators can’t see each other when they’re cloaked. They have like 15 different vision capabilities through the movie, yet they can’t see each other. Consequentially, for some reason, the predators can also see through the mud applied to humans as a heat cloaker, but it doesn’t register. *I* can see what clearly looks like a man shaped red spot, but the predator can’t. I don’t get it. The movie wraps up with a finale of fighting, explosions, bullets, and fire and then the directors leave the film open ended for a sequel.
This movie isn’t anywhere near as good as the original. I mean, how could it be without Arnold, Carl Weathers, and Jesse the Body? But what America wants is explosions, bullets, and fire, and Predators has a metric balls-ton of it. Seriously. My head hurt. I won’t go into how weird I thought the soundtrack (music-wise) was for this film, but I think the director had his iPod on shuffle during the editing. For example, final scene…and… cut to Little Richard… WTF? Anyway, the plot is very similar to the original once you break it down. In fact, it’s almost a remake. A bunch of people heavily loaded with guns are in a jungle trying to figure out what’s hunting them. They finally see the predator and figure out how to kill it. Except in this film, there are three predators to kill.
If you liked the original, you’ll probably like this film as well, just not as much. If you never saw the original or the other ones, you don’t be at any sort of disadvantage with previous story. There is only one reference to the original and it is explained enough to make sense in this film. It’s an OK film and the CGI was tolerable, except for the alien dogs – completely unacceptable, ridiculous, and fakey. (I will note that I found something that makes me want to kill much more than CGI – the preview for Step Up 3D shown before Predators…). Don’t go out of your way to see this film, but you won’t be disappointed if you like ‘splosions.
Here’s the plot: 8 people are dropped into a jungle in the middle of who-knows-where. These people gain consciousness in free fall from thousands of feet up and their parachutes open up at the last minute to almost slow their descent into the canopy. These people don’t know why they’re here or who each other are. They have some conversations and realize they’re all killers. A couple of military people (both official and non-official), a couple vigilante fighters (including Machete… I mean Danny Trejo), a Yakuza (and clearly ninja since all Asians are skilled at martial arts – racism), a convicted rapist, and Eric from That 70’s Show (playing Eric from That 70’s Show). Now they have to figure out why they are together and where they are.
They traipse across all kinds of wilderness – which frankly reminded me of the various scenery from Where the Wild Things Are – and eventually discover they’re not on Earth. A couple of planets and moons over a mountain range confirm that. Strangely, Eric, who is a doctor or some sort, knows all the names of the plants and which ones are poisonous. He must have studied a LOT in doctorin’ school.
They are attacked by these horned wild boar dog aliens and remain victorious. This is where they begin to realize they’re being hunted by something very bad. The dogs were called off by some sort of whistle/call and the group is left to think about their situation out loud like no one ever does. While running, they come across a handful of broken (and empty) cages which used to hold something nasty, including CGI cockroaches). They run across a fallen soldier who has booby trapped a HUGE perimeter and almost kill the small group. It’s here that the macho man leader (Adrien Brody) tell us the proper weight for a swinging log to knock over a person is exactly 5 times the size of the thing you’re trying to take out. Yes, tough guy, he weighed the predator and then weighed the tree trunk to determine which randomly available tree trunk he would use in the booby trap.
The group decides to go into the camp of the predators to determine what they were fighting against, which *I* think is a bad idea. There’s a predator chained to a pillar, being held captive in the camp, and they poke it with a stick. Brilliant. The predators not chained up attack and tough guy uses the group as bait to figure out what the creatures are. The predators then systematically kill off the group one by one, starting with Danny Trejo. I’m assuming this was the tradeoff so he could star in Machete! “OK guys, I’ll let you kill me first if I can be the master bloodsprayer in Machete. Deal!”
Insert an hour of explosions and fire and bullets here.
They run into Larry Fishburne in the woods. He gets what’s left of the group up into his little bachelor pad and gives them some back ground on the situation they’re in – this happens once a season, predators hunt humans, predators learn the human tricks and are slowly becoming invincible, blah blah blah, here’s some soup. Larry is a scavenger who dresses in the predator’s armor and is able to use their cloaking devices and weapons. He’s also bat-shit crazy and talks to imaginary people. Larry then tries to kill them for their supplies and weapons. The ensuing fire and battle draw the predators to the house and cue more explosions, fire, and bullets.
Insert awkward ninja sword fight in a grassy meadow.
Tough guy Brody has a plan to go back to the camp, unchain the captive predator, and somehow convince him to be friends and fly him back to earth in his spaceship. Really? He somehow manages to do this and the predator fires up the ship and sends him off. The once-captive predator then has to fight the head predator in a death match of swords and claws (and zero lasers, for some reason). And I also think it’s weird that the predators can’t see each other when they’re cloaked. They have like 15 different vision capabilities through the movie, yet they can’t see each other. Consequentially, for some reason, the predators can also see through the mud applied to humans as a heat cloaker, but it doesn’t register. *I* can see what clearly looks like a man shaped red spot, but the predator can’t. I don’t get it. The movie wraps up with a finale of fighting, explosions, bullets, and fire and then the directors leave the film open ended for a sequel.
This movie isn’t anywhere near as good as the original. I mean, how could it be without Arnold, Carl Weathers, and Jesse the Body? But what America wants is explosions, bullets, and fire, and Predators has a metric balls-ton of it. Seriously. My head hurt. I won’t go into how weird I thought the soundtrack (music-wise) was for this film, but I think the director had his iPod on shuffle during the editing. For example, final scene…and… cut to Little Richard… WTF? Anyway, the plot is very similar to the original once you break it down. In fact, it’s almost a remake. A bunch of people heavily loaded with guns are in a jungle trying to figure out what’s hunting them. They finally see the predator and figure out how to kill it. Except in this film, there are three predators to kill.
If you liked the original, you’ll probably like this film as well, just not as much. If you never saw the original or the other ones, you don’t be at any sort of disadvantage with previous story. There is only one reference to the original and it is explained enough to make sense in this film. It’s an OK film and the CGI was tolerable, except for the alien dogs – completely unacceptable, ridiculous, and fakey. (I will note that I found something that makes me want to kill much more than CGI – the preview for Step Up 3D shown before Predators…). Don’t go out of your way to see this film, but you won’t be disappointed if you like ‘splosions.
Dora-Heita
Dora-Heita is a traditional Japanese film about a new magistrate (basically a mayor) in a small town. The magistrate has begun to spread rumors about himself in order to make people think he’s lecherous and mean and nasty. He’s only done this to make his life easier since the people aren’t likely to accept him with open arms anyway. He’s been appointed to do some major clean-up in a seedy part of town. The other magistrates aren’t a fan of cleaning it up since it’s bringing in money (mainly illegally).
The new magistrate infiltrates the seedy area by dressing as a woman and then befriends some of the locals after he unmasks and buys them a barrel of sake. He gets in good with the low-brow people. This is all part of his plan, which unfolds throughout the movie. He goes to each of the three bosses in the seedy part of town and plays to their strengths.
The magistrate goes to the boss in charge of whoring and scores with a bunch of his ladies and they drink together and seal some deal to be brothers. He then goes to the boss in charge of gambling and bring s a boatload of cash. They also seal some sort of deal. The third boss is doing everything in his power not to be duped. Meanwhile, the village council has to meet because the Magistrate is strictly forbidden to enter the seedy part of town. They are trying to vote him out since he’s making trouble for all of the sneaky deals they have been running for years. They’ve all taken “unwanted” bribes and it’s clear their bosses know about it – which is why he appointed Dora-Heita as magistrate.
Dora-Heita’s wife has come to retrieve him and she’s a REAL tenacious woman. Causing trouble throughout town trying to retrieve him. Eventually, the third boss invite Dora-Heita to a banquet at his house. Clearly, it’s a trap, but he goes regardless. I won’t spoil the ending, but there’s a super sweet fight at the boss’ palace.
The movie is pretty solidly put together. Well acted and well fought. There is lots of action and lots of sword fighting. This film is one of the better samurai films I’ve seen. Traditional with a hint of modern film making. It’s got a couple of interesting plot twists without being hokey, so it wraps up nicely. It’s a good samurai film.
The new magistrate infiltrates the seedy area by dressing as a woman and then befriends some of the locals after he unmasks and buys them a barrel of sake. He gets in good with the low-brow people. This is all part of his plan, which unfolds throughout the movie. He goes to each of the three bosses in the seedy part of town and plays to their strengths.
The magistrate goes to the boss in charge of whoring and scores with a bunch of his ladies and they drink together and seal some deal to be brothers. He then goes to the boss in charge of gambling and bring s a boatload of cash. They also seal some sort of deal. The third boss is doing everything in his power not to be duped. Meanwhile, the village council has to meet because the Magistrate is strictly forbidden to enter the seedy part of town. They are trying to vote him out since he’s making trouble for all of the sneaky deals they have been running for years. They’ve all taken “unwanted” bribes and it’s clear their bosses know about it – which is why he appointed Dora-Heita as magistrate.
Dora-Heita’s wife has come to retrieve him and she’s a REAL tenacious woman. Causing trouble throughout town trying to retrieve him. Eventually, the third boss invite Dora-Heita to a banquet at his house. Clearly, it’s a trap, but he goes regardless. I won’t spoil the ending, but there’s a super sweet fight at the boss’ palace.
The movie is pretty solidly put together. Well acted and well fought. There is lots of action and lots of sword fighting. This film is one of the better samurai films I’ve seen. Traditional with a hint of modern film making. It’s got a couple of interesting plot twists without being hokey, so it wraps up nicely. It’s a good samurai film.
Smash Cut
Smash Cut starts with an old timey intro (meaning with an old man talking) giving viewers a warning about what they’re about to see. The film starts in a movie theater where people are watching a bad movie about a clown killing people – called Terror Toy. Everyone complains, yells, and leaves, but there is a guy standing near the exit with sad clown face painting. Cut to a strip club. This is how every movie should start.
The clown is sitting in the strip club crying in his beer and talking with his friend or agent or cameraman. Apparently, the sad clown is the director of Terror Toy and knows people hate his movie. The clown sleeps with a dancer and he kills her when he crashes his car driving her home. Then he saves her body and ends up using her body to make the special effects in his movie more believable. The director goes to the office of the critique that wrote the most recent bad review and kills her.. with a movie scene clacker with teeth. The director goes on a killing rampage to put people (or at least their body parts) into his films.
Meanwhile, the sister of the dancer he killed first begins searching for her sister. The sister is a television reporter and talks her boss at the television station into hiring the city’s best private investigator to help find her sister. The PI snoops around and gets a little too close to the director. The director starts to plot how he’s going to kill the PI. The sister shows up to audition for the director’s newest film and ends up holding her sister’s decapitated head in her hands while reciting Shakespeare. Creepy. The director continues to kill random people to harvest their body parts for placement in films. Eventually he kills enough people that people catch on, including the PI hired to bring him down.
This film is pretty terrible and not really worth watching. I totally fell for the hype and the write up of this one. It’s got bad dialogue, costumes, fight scenes, and plot. It’s probably one of the worst endings eve done in a film, and I don’t think you’ll fill a bit of suspense or drama in this film at all. It actually makes me want to watch Puppet Master, knowing it will seem like a Hollywood blockbuster compared to this film. One of the closing lines, “I kissed my dead sister’s severed head. I think instead of dinner, I might need to go get some trauma counseling.” Alright, that was funny. But that’s the extent of the humor in this film.
The clown is sitting in the strip club crying in his beer and talking with his friend or agent or cameraman. Apparently, the sad clown is the director of Terror Toy and knows people hate his movie. The clown sleeps with a dancer and he kills her when he crashes his car driving her home. Then he saves her body and ends up using her body to make the special effects in his movie more believable. The director goes to the office of the critique that wrote the most recent bad review and kills her.. with a movie scene clacker with teeth. The director goes on a killing rampage to put people (or at least their body parts) into his films.
Meanwhile, the sister of the dancer he killed first begins searching for her sister. The sister is a television reporter and talks her boss at the television station into hiring the city’s best private investigator to help find her sister. The PI snoops around and gets a little too close to the director. The director starts to plot how he’s going to kill the PI. The sister shows up to audition for the director’s newest film and ends up holding her sister’s decapitated head in her hands while reciting Shakespeare. Creepy. The director continues to kill random people to harvest their body parts for placement in films. Eventually he kills enough people that people catch on, including the PI hired to bring him down.
This film is pretty terrible and not really worth watching. I totally fell for the hype and the write up of this one. It’s got bad dialogue, costumes, fight scenes, and plot. It’s probably one of the worst endings eve done in a film, and I don’t think you’ll fill a bit of suspense or drama in this film at all. It actually makes me want to watch Puppet Master, knowing it will seem like a Hollywood blockbuster compared to this film. One of the closing lines, “I kissed my dead sister’s severed head. I think instead of dinner, I might need to go get some trauma counseling.” Alright, that was funny. But that’s the extent of the humor in this film.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
