Before you mock (especially since I just reviewed Machete), I will defend myself by saying my girlfriend and I took her little sister to see this film. And frankly, I rather enjoyed it, so suck it. Now picture this amalgamation, if you will: Combine The Secret of Nimh, but with owls instead of rats, and then throw in 300 (the Spartan movie without shirts in it). Legend of the Guardians is the 300 of owl movies.
I don’t know if this film is based on a book of some sort (I’m guessing yes, since any title with an apostrophe and an unpronounceable name generally indicates this), nor do I know who the director or the producer or even what studio produced this. I also don’t care to look it up.
Moving on…
Legend of the Guardians is about two brother owls. They are just learning to fly. They think they know everything at this age (you know how young owls are…), so when their parents head out to hunt for food for the night, the two brothers try out their skills. They drop out of their tree to the forest floor, which is a bad place for owls. They are attacked by something resembling a wolverine (not Hugh Jackman), but then rescued by these large British-accented owls. Maybe rescued isn’t the right word, since the large owls take them captive and bring them to a secret lair. The lair is where an evil owl is brainwashing the new recruits into pickers and soldiers. The pickers have the sole purpose of picking away at owl pellets to find flecks of metal for some evil machine. (This is the learning portion of the movie: Owls hack up hard bits of bone and fur and other indigestible things kind of like a hairball, called pellets.) The soldiers are trained in fighting and given armor to facilitate this fighting. They are trying to be rulers of the owl kingdom by using this magnetic metal machine to control the good owls. (They also use bats as henchmen to do their evil dirtywork.)
One brother escapes and one brother decides he’s going to be a solider. The brother who escapes finds a way to get to the Guardians – sort of a mythical legendary owl race who are super good and fight evil. The guardians listen to the escapee brother and then go check things out at the lair. Epic battle ensues.
This movie is in 3D, which for me, means I’m motion sick in less than ten minutes. I’m glad I didn’t see this in the IMAX theater or I might possibly have died. There are a LOT of flying scenes in this film. The animation is really quite good and impressive. I like to pay attention to the background in many scenes to see if the renderers left anything out, which they didn’t. Some scenes are quite beautiful and nice. And then… there are the fight scenes. You’d probably not think owls would make a good subject for fight scenes. But add in shiny metal armor, slow motion, and spraying owl blood, you’ll get a pretty sweet result. I was pretty impressed by this.
All around us were little kids ooohing and aahhhhing, and it was really cute. The kids were literally on the edge of their seats at times and were really quite engaged in the film. This film has enough action to keep their attention, enough frights to make kids scream, and enough feel-good stuff to make sure they aren’t terrified during scary parts.
I don’t know that I’d recommend this to everyone, but if your kids or nieces or nephews want to see it, you won’t be disappointed. It’s worth watching, especially with the 3D aspect.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Machete
After the infuriating disappointment of The Expendables, I tried to scale back my anticipation of Machete. I saw the previews for both about the same time and thought these were going to be the two best films of 2010. The Expendables let me down in a serious way, but Machete did NOT. Thank you, Danny Trejo.
Here’s the plot, not that it even matters. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale who is able to use guns, but prefers machetes and chopping people’s body parts off. The bad guy (Steven Seagal)(who I’ll remind you is NOT Mexican) is in charge of all the criminal activity in Mexico, including controlling the federales. Seagal kills Machete’s wife and Machete heads to Texas to forget his past and find work. Someone hires him to kill a senator (played by Robert DeNiro), but as it turns out, Seagal is behind it all. The legend of Machete is known throughout the Mexican immigrant population and he eventually teams up with a female vigilante named She (played by Michelle Rodriguez). I’ll leave the plot at that, so I don’t ruin anything for you.
Keep in mind this film is shot like Grindhouse and From Dusk To Dawn. It’s gritty and intentionally cheesy and fun, but it’s also graphic. You’ll crack up, even though there is a guy on the screen chopping people down like foliage in the jungle.
Here are a couple of side notes that should convince you to go see this film. Cheech Marin plays Machete’s brother – a priest in Texas that totes some serious shotgun action. Jeff Fahey plays Deniro’s assistant, and is the one who accidentally hires Machete to kill the senator. Lindsay Lohan plays Fahey’s daughter – a meth-head tramp whom daddy has to cover for all the time. Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is still loyal to the immigrant cause that she fights against. Don Johnson is a vigilante border patrol guy who is buddy buddy with DeNiro, so he’s allowed to drive the fences and shoot immigrants. Great appearances by some well-known (I ALMOST said “good”) actors who clearly enjoy their roles in this amazing film.
The opening scene of this film sets the stage for what you’re going to see for the next hour or so: Danny Trejo chopping criminals with a machete while trying to save a girl. The girl turns out to be working for Seagal, but Machete finds out too late. There’s blood everywhere and slow motion chopping and splattering. Overall, I’d give the action in this film a super thumbs up, especially for creativity. Machete puts a bunch of blades on a weed whacker and does some killing. Then he puts a bunch of scalpels on a bedsheet and does some killing. Anything with a point on it can be used by Machete, including a corkscrew.
Then there are the ladies. There’s gratuitous and hilarious nudity in this film. What’s even more hilarious (and I heard some people don’t like) is when Machete is about to lay pipe, the music instantly switches to this 70’s porn funk – incredible, unbelievable, hilarious, and brilliant.
Yes, there are some really far fetched scenes that would never ever ever ever happen, but the fact that Robert Rodriguez pulls them off speaks volumes to both his cojones and his talent as a director. In fact, there are a couple of completely ridiculous CGI things in the film which are so outlandish I HAD to crack up instead of screaming “HORSE$H!T!!!!!” in the theater (like I usually do). Rodriguez isn’t trying to make you believe it’s real – he’s entertaining and taking the outlandish awesomeness to a new level. And he does it with a smile and a campy one liner from Danny Trejo. “Machete don’t text.”
The acting in this movie isn’t polished and flawless. I mean Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin are in this film. And SOME people have complained that the movie fizzles at the end. I don't really think it did, frankly. Seriously, a motor cycle with a giant machine gun on it isn't fizzling in my book (which no one has read).
I saw this movie with three ladies (I’m basically Machete, myself). Two LOVED it and one just didn’t get it. Yes, there’s blood, but it’s not scary monster gore. It’s done with an over-the-top flair and a wink. I know it’s still early, but I think this film is getting my vote for best film of 2010. I will see this one again in the theater and I will own it as soon as it is out on DVD. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I really was amazed by this film.
Here’s the plot, not that it even matters. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale who is able to use guns, but prefers machetes and chopping people’s body parts off. The bad guy (Steven Seagal)(who I’ll remind you is NOT Mexican) is in charge of all the criminal activity in Mexico, including controlling the federales. Seagal kills Machete’s wife and Machete heads to Texas to forget his past and find work. Someone hires him to kill a senator (played by Robert DeNiro), but as it turns out, Seagal is behind it all. The legend of Machete is known throughout the Mexican immigrant population and he eventually teams up with a female vigilante named She (played by Michelle Rodriguez). I’ll leave the plot at that, so I don’t ruin anything for you.
Keep in mind this film is shot like Grindhouse and From Dusk To Dawn. It’s gritty and intentionally cheesy and fun, but it’s also graphic. You’ll crack up, even though there is a guy on the screen chopping people down like foliage in the jungle.
Here are a couple of side notes that should convince you to go see this film. Cheech Marin plays Machete’s brother – a priest in Texas that totes some serious shotgun action. Jeff Fahey plays Deniro’s assistant, and is the one who accidentally hires Machete to kill the senator. Lindsay Lohan plays Fahey’s daughter – a meth-head tramp whom daddy has to cover for all the time. Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is still loyal to the immigrant cause that she fights against. Don Johnson is a vigilante border patrol guy who is buddy buddy with DeNiro, so he’s allowed to drive the fences and shoot immigrants. Great appearances by some well-known (I ALMOST said “good”) actors who clearly enjoy their roles in this amazing film.
The opening scene of this film sets the stage for what you’re going to see for the next hour or so: Danny Trejo chopping criminals with a machete while trying to save a girl. The girl turns out to be working for Seagal, but Machete finds out too late. There’s blood everywhere and slow motion chopping and splattering. Overall, I’d give the action in this film a super thumbs up, especially for creativity. Machete puts a bunch of blades on a weed whacker and does some killing. Then he puts a bunch of scalpels on a bedsheet and does some killing. Anything with a point on it can be used by Machete, including a corkscrew.
Then there are the ladies. There’s gratuitous and hilarious nudity in this film. What’s even more hilarious (and I heard some people don’t like) is when Machete is about to lay pipe, the music instantly switches to this 70’s porn funk – incredible, unbelievable, hilarious, and brilliant.
Yes, there are some really far fetched scenes that would never ever ever ever happen, but the fact that Robert Rodriguez pulls them off speaks volumes to both his cojones and his talent as a director. In fact, there are a couple of completely ridiculous CGI things in the film which are so outlandish I HAD to crack up instead of screaming “HORSE$H!T!!!!!” in the theater (like I usually do). Rodriguez isn’t trying to make you believe it’s real – he’s entertaining and taking the outlandish awesomeness to a new level. And he does it with a smile and a campy one liner from Danny Trejo. “Machete don’t text.”
The acting in this movie isn’t polished and flawless. I mean Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin are in this film. And SOME people have complained that the movie fizzles at the end. I don't really think it did, frankly. Seriously, a motor cycle with a giant machine gun on it isn't fizzling in my book (which no one has read).
I saw this movie with three ladies (I’m basically Machete, myself). Two LOVED it and one just didn’t get it. Yes, there’s blood, but it’s not scary monster gore. It’s done with an over-the-top flair and a wink. I know it’s still early, but I think this film is getting my vote for best film of 2010. I will see this one again in the theater and I will own it as soon as it is out on DVD. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I really was amazed by this film.
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