Before you mock (especially since I just reviewed Machete), I will defend myself by saying my girlfriend and I took her little sister to see this film. And frankly, I rather enjoyed it, so suck it. Now picture this amalgamation, if you will: Combine The Secret of Nimh, but with owls instead of rats, and then throw in 300 (the Spartan movie without shirts in it). Legend of the Guardians is the 300 of owl movies.
I don’t know if this film is based on a book of some sort (I’m guessing yes, since any title with an apostrophe and an unpronounceable name generally indicates this), nor do I know who the director or the producer or even what studio produced this. I also don’t care to look it up.
Moving on…
Legend of the Guardians is about two brother owls. They are just learning to fly. They think they know everything at this age (you know how young owls are…), so when their parents head out to hunt for food for the night, the two brothers try out their skills. They drop out of their tree to the forest floor, which is a bad place for owls. They are attacked by something resembling a wolverine (not Hugh Jackman), but then rescued by these large British-accented owls. Maybe rescued isn’t the right word, since the large owls take them captive and bring them to a secret lair. The lair is where an evil owl is brainwashing the new recruits into pickers and soldiers. The pickers have the sole purpose of picking away at owl pellets to find flecks of metal for some evil machine. (This is the learning portion of the movie: Owls hack up hard bits of bone and fur and other indigestible things kind of like a hairball, called pellets.) The soldiers are trained in fighting and given armor to facilitate this fighting. They are trying to be rulers of the owl kingdom by using this magnetic metal machine to control the good owls. (They also use bats as henchmen to do their evil dirtywork.)
One brother escapes and one brother decides he’s going to be a solider. The brother who escapes finds a way to get to the Guardians – sort of a mythical legendary owl race who are super good and fight evil. The guardians listen to the escapee brother and then go check things out at the lair. Epic battle ensues.
This movie is in 3D, which for me, means I’m motion sick in less than ten minutes. I’m glad I didn’t see this in the IMAX theater or I might possibly have died. There are a LOT of flying scenes in this film. The animation is really quite good and impressive. I like to pay attention to the background in many scenes to see if the renderers left anything out, which they didn’t. Some scenes are quite beautiful and nice. And then… there are the fight scenes. You’d probably not think owls would make a good subject for fight scenes. But add in shiny metal armor, slow motion, and spraying owl blood, you’ll get a pretty sweet result. I was pretty impressed by this.
All around us were little kids ooohing and aahhhhing, and it was really cute. The kids were literally on the edge of their seats at times and were really quite engaged in the film. This film has enough action to keep their attention, enough frights to make kids scream, and enough feel-good stuff to make sure they aren’t terrified during scary parts.
I don’t know that I’d recommend this to everyone, but if your kids or nieces or nephews want to see it, you won’t be disappointed. It’s worth watching, especially with the 3D aspect.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Machete
After the infuriating disappointment of The Expendables, I tried to scale back my anticipation of Machete. I saw the previews for both about the same time and thought these were going to be the two best films of 2010. The Expendables let me down in a serious way, but Machete did NOT. Thank you, Danny Trejo.
Here’s the plot, not that it even matters. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale who is able to use guns, but prefers machetes and chopping people’s body parts off. The bad guy (Steven Seagal)(who I’ll remind you is NOT Mexican) is in charge of all the criminal activity in Mexico, including controlling the federales. Seagal kills Machete’s wife and Machete heads to Texas to forget his past and find work. Someone hires him to kill a senator (played by Robert DeNiro), but as it turns out, Seagal is behind it all. The legend of Machete is known throughout the Mexican immigrant population and he eventually teams up with a female vigilante named She (played by Michelle Rodriguez). I’ll leave the plot at that, so I don’t ruin anything for you.
Keep in mind this film is shot like Grindhouse and From Dusk To Dawn. It’s gritty and intentionally cheesy and fun, but it’s also graphic. You’ll crack up, even though there is a guy on the screen chopping people down like foliage in the jungle.
Here are a couple of side notes that should convince you to go see this film. Cheech Marin plays Machete’s brother – a priest in Texas that totes some serious shotgun action. Jeff Fahey plays Deniro’s assistant, and is the one who accidentally hires Machete to kill the senator. Lindsay Lohan plays Fahey’s daughter – a meth-head tramp whom daddy has to cover for all the time. Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is still loyal to the immigrant cause that she fights against. Don Johnson is a vigilante border patrol guy who is buddy buddy with DeNiro, so he’s allowed to drive the fences and shoot immigrants. Great appearances by some well-known (I ALMOST said “good”) actors who clearly enjoy their roles in this amazing film.
The opening scene of this film sets the stage for what you’re going to see for the next hour or so: Danny Trejo chopping criminals with a machete while trying to save a girl. The girl turns out to be working for Seagal, but Machete finds out too late. There’s blood everywhere and slow motion chopping and splattering. Overall, I’d give the action in this film a super thumbs up, especially for creativity. Machete puts a bunch of blades on a weed whacker and does some killing. Then he puts a bunch of scalpels on a bedsheet and does some killing. Anything with a point on it can be used by Machete, including a corkscrew.
Then there are the ladies. There’s gratuitous and hilarious nudity in this film. What’s even more hilarious (and I heard some people don’t like) is when Machete is about to lay pipe, the music instantly switches to this 70’s porn funk – incredible, unbelievable, hilarious, and brilliant.
Yes, there are some really far fetched scenes that would never ever ever ever happen, but the fact that Robert Rodriguez pulls them off speaks volumes to both his cojones and his talent as a director. In fact, there are a couple of completely ridiculous CGI things in the film which are so outlandish I HAD to crack up instead of screaming “HORSE$H!T!!!!!” in the theater (like I usually do). Rodriguez isn’t trying to make you believe it’s real – he’s entertaining and taking the outlandish awesomeness to a new level. And he does it with a smile and a campy one liner from Danny Trejo. “Machete don’t text.”
The acting in this movie isn’t polished and flawless. I mean Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin are in this film. And SOME people have complained that the movie fizzles at the end. I don't really think it did, frankly. Seriously, a motor cycle with a giant machine gun on it isn't fizzling in my book (which no one has read).
I saw this movie with three ladies (I’m basically Machete, myself). Two LOVED it and one just didn’t get it. Yes, there’s blood, but it’s not scary monster gore. It’s done with an over-the-top flair and a wink. I know it’s still early, but I think this film is getting my vote for best film of 2010. I will see this one again in the theater and I will own it as soon as it is out on DVD. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I really was amazed by this film.
Here’s the plot, not that it even matters. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale who is able to use guns, but prefers machetes and chopping people’s body parts off. The bad guy (Steven Seagal)(who I’ll remind you is NOT Mexican) is in charge of all the criminal activity in Mexico, including controlling the federales. Seagal kills Machete’s wife and Machete heads to Texas to forget his past and find work. Someone hires him to kill a senator (played by Robert DeNiro), but as it turns out, Seagal is behind it all. The legend of Machete is known throughout the Mexican immigrant population and he eventually teams up with a female vigilante named She (played by Michelle Rodriguez). I’ll leave the plot at that, so I don’t ruin anything for you.
Keep in mind this film is shot like Grindhouse and From Dusk To Dawn. It’s gritty and intentionally cheesy and fun, but it’s also graphic. You’ll crack up, even though there is a guy on the screen chopping people down like foliage in the jungle.
Here are a couple of side notes that should convince you to go see this film. Cheech Marin plays Machete’s brother – a priest in Texas that totes some serious shotgun action. Jeff Fahey plays Deniro’s assistant, and is the one who accidentally hires Machete to kill the senator. Lindsay Lohan plays Fahey’s daughter – a meth-head tramp whom daddy has to cover for all the time. Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is still loyal to the immigrant cause that she fights against. Don Johnson is a vigilante border patrol guy who is buddy buddy with DeNiro, so he’s allowed to drive the fences and shoot immigrants. Great appearances by some well-known (I ALMOST said “good”) actors who clearly enjoy their roles in this amazing film.
The opening scene of this film sets the stage for what you’re going to see for the next hour or so: Danny Trejo chopping criminals with a machete while trying to save a girl. The girl turns out to be working for Seagal, but Machete finds out too late. There’s blood everywhere and slow motion chopping and splattering. Overall, I’d give the action in this film a super thumbs up, especially for creativity. Machete puts a bunch of blades on a weed whacker and does some killing. Then he puts a bunch of scalpels on a bedsheet and does some killing. Anything with a point on it can be used by Machete, including a corkscrew.
Then there are the ladies. There’s gratuitous and hilarious nudity in this film. What’s even more hilarious (and I heard some people don’t like) is when Machete is about to lay pipe, the music instantly switches to this 70’s porn funk – incredible, unbelievable, hilarious, and brilliant.
Yes, there are some really far fetched scenes that would never ever ever ever happen, but the fact that Robert Rodriguez pulls them off speaks volumes to both his cojones and his talent as a director. In fact, there are a couple of completely ridiculous CGI things in the film which are so outlandish I HAD to crack up instead of screaming “HORSE$H!T!!!!!” in the theater (like I usually do). Rodriguez isn’t trying to make you believe it’s real – he’s entertaining and taking the outlandish awesomeness to a new level. And he does it with a smile and a campy one liner from Danny Trejo. “Machete don’t text.”
The acting in this movie isn’t polished and flawless. I mean Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin are in this film. And SOME people have complained that the movie fizzles at the end. I don't really think it did, frankly. Seriously, a motor cycle with a giant machine gun on it isn't fizzling in my book (which no one has read).
I saw this movie with three ladies (I’m basically Machete, myself). Two LOVED it and one just didn’t get it. Yes, there’s blood, but it’s not scary monster gore. It’s done with an over-the-top flair and a wink. I know it’s still early, but I think this film is getting my vote for best film of 2010. I will see this one again in the theater and I will own it as soon as it is out on DVD. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I really was amazed by this film.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Expendables
When I first saw the trailer for The Expendables, I thought to myself, this film is going to be amazing and it also should have an American flag in every corner of the screen. There are tons of action heroes from the 1990s and 2000’s and they all have guns and are blowing everything in sight into small bits. What’s not to like about this film? Or so I thought.
Sylvester Stallone apparently called his buddies and begged them to be in what is sure to be the greatest gun- and explosion-fest ever known to man. He rounded up all kinds of names for this film: Jason Statham, Jet Li, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, and Eric Roberts. (There are abundant rumors as to who was asked and who turned him down, but I won’t get into that tabloid crap.) Stallone then put guns or knives in their hands (except for Mickey Rourke) and set them loose on a movie set and told them, “Blow as many things up as possible. We’ll CGI the rest of it and piece it together”. (I might have made that up, but that’s what it seems like.)
Stallone is the leader of a mercenary group of fighters who get paid to do missions the government can’t be linked to. They are hired killers and don’t ask questions. The opening scene is the Expendables taking out pirates on some sort of ocean tanker without losing a single civilian. Then, Stallone and Statham are sent to break up some cartel in South America and Stallone falls in love with some guy named Sandra, played by Giselle Itie (mean, but she honestly isn’t pretty, especially for a romantic interest). Turns out, she’s the daughter of the dictator (or Heneral, in Spanish) (yes, I know how to spell it, dingleberries) who’s taken over the island and is running drugs and weapons. The Heneral is sadly only a puppet being controlled by Eric Roberts – a really bad guy who uses Stone Cold Steve Austin as his body guard.
Stallone and Statham barely escape but the girl won’t come with them. They end up blowing up the bad guys on a dock with a sea plane, some gasoline, and a flare gun. This is why people hate our country. Sandra won’t leave her home or father, even though she’s trying to thwart his power. They hang out with Mickey Rourke, a tattoo artist who shoudln’t try to act dramatically, for a while, who apparently hasn’t finished like 4 letters on Stallone’s tattoo. Really? Stallone can’t fight his love for Sandra, so he heads back to the island. He intends for it to be alone, but his buddies join him, except for Dolph Lundgren, who has turned traitor (it isn’t a plot spoiler if it’s amazingly obvious and not a surprise, am I right?).
Stallone and his boys blow up an incredible amount of stuff and kill all kinds of people. There’s a particularly intense and loud gun that blows people in half. That part is far-fetched, but chuckle-worthy. Blood is spraying, there’s fire and explosions everywhere, and corpses are piling up. This again, is why people hate America.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
Rocky wins. Again.
Let me start by saying this movie made me angry. Legitimately furious. In fact, it ruined my night it was so terrible. I yelled (I mean LOUDLY yelled) “HORSESHIT!!!!!” or “COME ON!!!!” at last 25 times. People were outright laughing at the editing during conversations and at the awful CGI blood and crumbling buildings. I’d venture to guess the special effects crew from Megafault had a hand in this terrible piece of crap. I was so angry after this film, I was actually yelling at my friend. We left the theater and went the newly opened Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” Bar and I had to leave after less than 5 minutes because I was still livid and was having trouble keeping my mouth shut around douche bags wearing plaid shirts with snaps and drinking beer out of mason jars.
The dialogue between EVERY one of the characters was awful and contrived. None of it was believable. I’m not even sure they guy that played Heneral was Hispanic. And, I’ve seen Kindergarten drawings that were more realistic than the CGI in this film.
At one point, I was even hoping Jason Statham would take his shirt off or something so I could man-crush out a little bit, but no. He just kept reading a script that Stallone wrote for him in jr. high instead of acting. Terry Crews didn’t deliver a single line I believed and I’ve seen better acting on a Midwest car dealership commercial. Randy Couture shouldn’t speak, he should just fight – he’s REALLY good at fighting, even in this movie, he was good at fighting. But, please stop talking about your cauliflower ear. Dolph Lundgren should stick to playing Lurch on the Adams Family and Jet Li should stand up for himself and not let Stallone write racist parts for him. At least put some ridiculous martial arts in the film for him to be featured. Don’t make him whine and complain about working harder because he’s short. WTF!?!?! I’m getting angry all over again. Here, try this: take your blood pressure before this film. Then immediately following the film (don’t bother staying for the credits), take your blood pressure again and see if you can double it and add thirty to have metric blood pressure – I’ll bet you can.
Stallone should never write OR direct another film. Take his crayon away immediately. Sure, he can throw all the money he wants into being a producer, but leave the action and the CGI and the writing to the pros, my friend. This movie made ME hate America. This movie made me want to kill. Please don’t waste your time or money and allow Stallone to think you’d see another of his drain bamaged action films.
Thanks for ruining my night, Stallone...
Sylvester Stallone apparently called his buddies and begged them to be in what is sure to be the greatest gun- and explosion-fest ever known to man. He rounded up all kinds of names for this film: Jason Statham, Jet Li, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, and Eric Roberts. (There are abundant rumors as to who was asked and who turned him down, but I won’t get into that tabloid crap.) Stallone then put guns or knives in their hands (except for Mickey Rourke) and set them loose on a movie set and told them, “Blow as many things up as possible. We’ll CGI the rest of it and piece it together”. (I might have made that up, but that’s what it seems like.)
Stallone is the leader of a mercenary group of fighters who get paid to do missions the government can’t be linked to. They are hired killers and don’t ask questions. The opening scene is the Expendables taking out pirates on some sort of ocean tanker without losing a single civilian. Then, Stallone and Statham are sent to break up some cartel in South America and Stallone falls in love with some guy named Sandra, played by Giselle Itie (mean, but she honestly isn’t pretty, especially for a romantic interest). Turns out, she’s the daughter of the dictator (or Heneral, in Spanish) (yes, I know how to spell it, dingleberries) who’s taken over the island and is running drugs and weapons. The Heneral is sadly only a puppet being controlled by Eric Roberts – a really bad guy who uses Stone Cold Steve Austin as his body guard.
Stallone and Statham barely escape but the girl won’t come with them. They end up blowing up the bad guys on a dock with a sea plane, some gasoline, and a flare gun. This is why people hate our country. Sandra won’t leave her home or father, even though she’s trying to thwart his power. They hang out with Mickey Rourke, a tattoo artist who shoudln’t try to act dramatically, for a while, who apparently hasn’t finished like 4 letters on Stallone’s tattoo. Really? Stallone can’t fight his love for Sandra, so he heads back to the island. He intends for it to be alone, but his buddies join him, except for Dolph Lundgren, who has turned traitor (it isn’t a plot spoiler if it’s amazingly obvious and not a surprise, am I right?).
Stallone and his boys blow up an incredible amount of stuff and kill all kinds of people. There’s a particularly intense and loud gun that blows people in half. That part is far-fetched, but chuckle-worthy. Blood is spraying, there’s fire and explosions everywhere, and corpses are piling up. This again, is why people hate America.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
Rocky wins. Again.
Let me start by saying this movie made me angry. Legitimately furious. In fact, it ruined my night it was so terrible. I yelled (I mean LOUDLY yelled) “HORSESHIT!!!!!” or “COME ON!!!!” at last 25 times. People were outright laughing at the editing during conversations and at the awful CGI blood and crumbling buildings. I’d venture to guess the special effects crew from Megafault had a hand in this terrible piece of crap. I was so angry after this film, I was actually yelling at my friend. We left the theater and went the newly opened Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” Bar and I had to leave after less than 5 minutes because I was still livid and was having trouble keeping my mouth shut around douche bags wearing plaid shirts with snaps and drinking beer out of mason jars.
The dialogue between EVERY one of the characters was awful and contrived. None of it was believable. I’m not even sure they guy that played Heneral was Hispanic. And, I’ve seen Kindergarten drawings that were more realistic than the CGI in this film.
At one point, I was even hoping Jason Statham would take his shirt off or something so I could man-crush out a little bit, but no. He just kept reading a script that Stallone wrote for him in jr. high instead of acting. Terry Crews didn’t deliver a single line I believed and I’ve seen better acting on a Midwest car dealership commercial. Randy Couture shouldn’t speak, he should just fight – he’s REALLY good at fighting, even in this movie, he was good at fighting. But, please stop talking about your cauliflower ear. Dolph Lundgren should stick to playing Lurch on the Adams Family and Jet Li should stand up for himself and not let Stallone write racist parts for him. At least put some ridiculous martial arts in the film for him to be featured. Don’t make him whine and complain about working harder because he’s short. WTF!?!?! I’m getting angry all over again. Here, try this: take your blood pressure before this film. Then immediately following the film (don’t bother staying for the credits), take your blood pressure again and see if you can double it and add thirty to have metric blood pressure – I’ll bet you can.
Stallone should never write OR direct another film. Take his crayon away immediately. Sure, he can throw all the money he wants into being a producer, but leave the action and the CGI and the writing to the pros, my friend. This movie made ME hate America. This movie made me want to kill. Please don’t waste your time or money and allow Stallone to think you’d see another of his drain bamaged action films.
Thanks for ruining my night, Stallone...
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Red Riding Hood
I generally have good luck with recommendations from Amazon.com regarding movies I should purchased because I also purchased some other random movie. The key word is generally. I don’t even remember why they recommended it, sadly. The film is about a 12-year old girl living in Rome. Her mother has abandoned her and left her with unlimited money in a bank account. The girl has done well taking care of herself, except for catching… the crazy.
Jenny has been using the money her mother left her to study various topics and to get to know Rome. She speaks a little Italian so she is functional on the streets, and she spends her days reading texts and classics so she can impress her tutor (who she’s in love with).
She’s got a dog – her only friend in the world. But it’s not really a dog. It’s an 8-foot tall dog/wolf/man named George. George goes out with her on the streets of Rome at night and they hand out justice when they see someone doing something bad. Seriously, she sees someone steal something? She has George cut off their hands. She sees someone break into a house, she follows them and has George gouge out their eyes and kill them. I told you she has the crazy.
Jenny’s grandmother from NYC shows up to take Jenny back to the US. Jenny isn’t having it. Jenny poisons her grandmother and eventually ties her up and mutilates her body so she can’t move. She also gives her peanut butter since her grandmother is deathly allergic. Jenny is a rotten little kid.
This is where you ask yourself “Why did they call this Red Riding Hood?” Well, dummies, it’s because she has red boots and has a wolf friend. She also tells her grandmother the story of Little Red Riding Hood to put her grandmother to sleep, but it’s from the wolf’s perspective. That’s the only connection. The rest of the film has nothing to do with the fairy tale.
The acting in the movie is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m serious. It’s rushed and Jenny is nervous and mumbles her lines nervously. She’s also amazingly fake and contrived and not believable at all. The grandmother isn’t much better, nor are any of the minor characters which Jenny kills. The special effects are almost as bad as the acting. You can’t get shot in the head, hold your hand up to the fake wound, and make a sad face before you wiggle your body to the ground.
Don’t waste your time with this film. The scenery from Rome is nice and makes me really want to go back there again. But I’ll make sure to avoid any Americans wearing red galoshes.
Jenny has been using the money her mother left her to study various topics and to get to know Rome. She speaks a little Italian so she is functional on the streets, and she spends her days reading texts and classics so she can impress her tutor (who she’s in love with).
She’s got a dog – her only friend in the world. But it’s not really a dog. It’s an 8-foot tall dog/wolf/man named George. George goes out with her on the streets of Rome at night and they hand out justice when they see someone doing something bad. Seriously, she sees someone steal something? She has George cut off their hands. She sees someone break into a house, she follows them and has George gouge out their eyes and kill them. I told you she has the crazy.
Jenny’s grandmother from NYC shows up to take Jenny back to the US. Jenny isn’t having it. Jenny poisons her grandmother and eventually ties her up and mutilates her body so she can’t move. She also gives her peanut butter since her grandmother is deathly allergic. Jenny is a rotten little kid.
This is where you ask yourself “Why did they call this Red Riding Hood?” Well, dummies, it’s because she has red boots and has a wolf friend. She also tells her grandmother the story of Little Red Riding Hood to put her grandmother to sleep, but it’s from the wolf’s perspective. That’s the only connection. The rest of the film has nothing to do with the fairy tale.
The acting in the movie is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m serious. It’s rushed and Jenny is nervous and mumbles her lines nervously. She’s also amazingly fake and contrived and not believable at all. The grandmother isn’t much better, nor are any of the minor characters which Jenny kills. The special effects are almost as bad as the acting. You can’t get shot in the head, hold your hand up to the fake wound, and make a sad face before you wiggle your body to the ground.
Don’t waste your time with this film. The scenery from Rome is nice and makes me really want to go back there again. But I’ll make sure to avoid any Americans wearing red galoshes.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Predators (2010)
Predators is the newest edition of the Predator saga. I know people keep complaining about these when they come out, but enough people are going to see them that they keep making more. So I’m assuming people want to see more explosions and guns and fire and aliens than we are led to believe. It will never be as good as the original (that goes without saying, but I said it anyway), but it ended up far better than I thought.
Here’s the plot: 8 people are dropped into a jungle in the middle of who-knows-where. These people gain consciousness in free fall from thousands of feet up and their parachutes open up at the last minute to almost slow their descent into the canopy. These people don’t know why they’re here or who each other are. They have some conversations and realize they’re all killers. A couple of military people (both official and non-official), a couple vigilante fighters (including Machete… I mean Danny Trejo), a Yakuza (and clearly ninja since all Asians are skilled at martial arts – racism), a convicted rapist, and Eric from That 70’s Show (playing Eric from That 70’s Show). Now they have to figure out why they are together and where they are.
They traipse across all kinds of wilderness – which frankly reminded me of the various scenery from Where the Wild Things Are – and eventually discover they’re not on Earth. A couple of planets and moons over a mountain range confirm that. Strangely, Eric, who is a doctor or some sort, knows all the names of the plants and which ones are poisonous. He must have studied a LOT in doctorin’ school.
They are attacked by these horned wild boar dog aliens and remain victorious. This is where they begin to realize they’re being hunted by something very bad. The dogs were called off by some sort of whistle/call and the group is left to think about their situation out loud like no one ever does. While running, they come across a handful of broken (and empty) cages which used to hold something nasty, including CGI cockroaches). They run across a fallen soldier who has booby trapped a HUGE perimeter and almost kill the small group. It’s here that the macho man leader (Adrien Brody) tell us the proper weight for a swinging log to knock over a person is exactly 5 times the size of the thing you’re trying to take out. Yes, tough guy, he weighed the predator and then weighed the tree trunk to determine which randomly available tree trunk he would use in the booby trap.
The group decides to go into the camp of the predators to determine what they were fighting against, which *I* think is a bad idea. There’s a predator chained to a pillar, being held captive in the camp, and they poke it with a stick. Brilliant. The predators not chained up attack and tough guy uses the group as bait to figure out what the creatures are. The predators then systematically kill off the group one by one, starting with Danny Trejo. I’m assuming this was the tradeoff so he could star in Machete! “OK guys, I’ll let you kill me first if I can be the master bloodsprayer in Machete. Deal!”
Insert an hour of explosions and fire and bullets here.
They run into Larry Fishburne in the woods. He gets what’s left of the group up into his little bachelor pad and gives them some back ground on the situation they’re in – this happens once a season, predators hunt humans, predators learn the human tricks and are slowly becoming invincible, blah blah blah, here’s some soup. Larry is a scavenger who dresses in the predator’s armor and is able to use their cloaking devices and weapons. He’s also bat-shit crazy and talks to imaginary people. Larry then tries to kill them for their supplies and weapons. The ensuing fire and battle draw the predators to the house and cue more explosions, fire, and bullets.
Insert awkward ninja sword fight in a grassy meadow.
Tough guy Brody has a plan to go back to the camp, unchain the captive predator, and somehow convince him to be friends and fly him back to earth in his spaceship. Really? He somehow manages to do this and the predator fires up the ship and sends him off. The once-captive predator then has to fight the head predator in a death match of swords and claws (and zero lasers, for some reason). And I also think it’s weird that the predators can’t see each other when they’re cloaked. They have like 15 different vision capabilities through the movie, yet they can’t see each other. Consequentially, for some reason, the predators can also see through the mud applied to humans as a heat cloaker, but it doesn’t register. *I* can see what clearly looks like a man shaped red spot, but the predator can’t. I don’t get it. The movie wraps up with a finale of fighting, explosions, bullets, and fire and then the directors leave the film open ended for a sequel.
This movie isn’t anywhere near as good as the original. I mean, how could it be without Arnold, Carl Weathers, and Jesse the Body? But what America wants is explosions, bullets, and fire, and Predators has a metric balls-ton of it. Seriously. My head hurt. I won’t go into how weird I thought the soundtrack (music-wise) was for this film, but I think the director had his iPod on shuffle during the editing. For example, final scene…and… cut to Little Richard… WTF? Anyway, the plot is very similar to the original once you break it down. In fact, it’s almost a remake. A bunch of people heavily loaded with guns are in a jungle trying to figure out what’s hunting them. They finally see the predator and figure out how to kill it. Except in this film, there are three predators to kill.
If you liked the original, you’ll probably like this film as well, just not as much. If you never saw the original or the other ones, you don’t be at any sort of disadvantage with previous story. There is only one reference to the original and it is explained enough to make sense in this film. It’s an OK film and the CGI was tolerable, except for the alien dogs – completely unacceptable, ridiculous, and fakey. (I will note that I found something that makes me want to kill much more than CGI – the preview for Step Up 3D shown before Predators…). Don’t go out of your way to see this film, but you won’t be disappointed if you like ‘splosions.
Here’s the plot: 8 people are dropped into a jungle in the middle of who-knows-where. These people gain consciousness in free fall from thousands of feet up and their parachutes open up at the last minute to almost slow their descent into the canopy. These people don’t know why they’re here or who each other are. They have some conversations and realize they’re all killers. A couple of military people (both official and non-official), a couple vigilante fighters (including Machete… I mean Danny Trejo), a Yakuza (and clearly ninja since all Asians are skilled at martial arts – racism), a convicted rapist, and Eric from That 70’s Show (playing Eric from That 70’s Show). Now they have to figure out why they are together and where they are.
They traipse across all kinds of wilderness – which frankly reminded me of the various scenery from Where the Wild Things Are – and eventually discover they’re not on Earth. A couple of planets and moons over a mountain range confirm that. Strangely, Eric, who is a doctor or some sort, knows all the names of the plants and which ones are poisonous. He must have studied a LOT in doctorin’ school.
They are attacked by these horned wild boar dog aliens and remain victorious. This is where they begin to realize they’re being hunted by something very bad. The dogs were called off by some sort of whistle/call and the group is left to think about their situation out loud like no one ever does. While running, they come across a handful of broken (and empty) cages which used to hold something nasty, including CGI cockroaches). They run across a fallen soldier who has booby trapped a HUGE perimeter and almost kill the small group. It’s here that the macho man leader (Adrien Brody) tell us the proper weight for a swinging log to knock over a person is exactly 5 times the size of the thing you’re trying to take out. Yes, tough guy, he weighed the predator and then weighed the tree trunk to determine which randomly available tree trunk he would use in the booby trap.
The group decides to go into the camp of the predators to determine what they were fighting against, which *I* think is a bad idea. There’s a predator chained to a pillar, being held captive in the camp, and they poke it with a stick. Brilliant. The predators not chained up attack and tough guy uses the group as bait to figure out what the creatures are. The predators then systematically kill off the group one by one, starting with Danny Trejo. I’m assuming this was the tradeoff so he could star in Machete! “OK guys, I’ll let you kill me first if I can be the master bloodsprayer in Machete. Deal!”
Insert an hour of explosions and fire and bullets here.
They run into Larry Fishburne in the woods. He gets what’s left of the group up into his little bachelor pad and gives them some back ground on the situation they’re in – this happens once a season, predators hunt humans, predators learn the human tricks and are slowly becoming invincible, blah blah blah, here’s some soup. Larry is a scavenger who dresses in the predator’s armor and is able to use their cloaking devices and weapons. He’s also bat-shit crazy and talks to imaginary people. Larry then tries to kill them for their supplies and weapons. The ensuing fire and battle draw the predators to the house and cue more explosions, fire, and bullets.
Insert awkward ninja sword fight in a grassy meadow.
Tough guy Brody has a plan to go back to the camp, unchain the captive predator, and somehow convince him to be friends and fly him back to earth in his spaceship. Really? He somehow manages to do this and the predator fires up the ship and sends him off. The once-captive predator then has to fight the head predator in a death match of swords and claws (and zero lasers, for some reason). And I also think it’s weird that the predators can’t see each other when they’re cloaked. They have like 15 different vision capabilities through the movie, yet they can’t see each other. Consequentially, for some reason, the predators can also see through the mud applied to humans as a heat cloaker, but it doesn’t register. *I* can see what clearly looks like a man shaped red spot, but the predator can’t. I don’t get it. The movie wraps up with a finale of fighting, explosions, bullets, and fire and then the directors leave the film open ended for a sequel.
This movie isn’t anywhere near as good as the original. I mean, how could it be without Arnold, Carl Weathers, and Jesse the Body? But what America wants is explosions, bullets, and fire, and Predators has a metric balls-ton of it. Seriously. My head hurt. I won’t go into how weird I thought the soundtrack (music-wise) was for this film, but I think the director had his iPod on shuffle during the editing. For example, final scene…and… cut to Little Richard… WTF? Anyway, the plot is very similar to the original once you break it down. In fact, it’s almost a remake. A bunch of people heavily loaded with guns are in a jungle trying to figure out what’s hunting them. They finally see the predator and figure out how to kill it. Except in this film, there are three predators to kill.
If you liked the original, you’ll probably like this film as well, just not as much. If you never saw the original or the other ones, you don’t be at any sort of disadvantage with previous story. There is only one reference to the original and it is explained enough to make sense in this film. It’s an OK film and the CGI was tolerable, except for the alien dogs – completely unacceptable, ridiculous, and fakey. (I will note that I found something that makes me want to kill much more than CGI – the preview for Step Up 3D shown before Predators…). Don’t go out of your way to see this film, but you won’t be disappointed if you like ‘splosions.
Dora-Heita
Dora-Heita is a traditional Japanese film about a new magistrate (basically a mayor) in a small town. The magistrate has begun to spread rumors about himself in order to make people think he’s lecherous and mean and nasty. He’s only done this to make his life easier since the people aren’t likely to accept him with open arms anyway. He’s been appointed to do some major clean-up in a seedy part of town. The other magistrates aren’t a fan of cleaning it up since it’s bringing in money (mainly illegally).
The new magistrate infiltrates the seedy area by dressing as a woman and then befriends some of the locals after he unmasks and buys them a barrel of sake. He gets in good with the low-brow people. This is all part of his plan, which unfolds throughout the movie. He goes to each of the three bosses in the seedy part of town and plays to their strengths.
The magistrate goes to the boss in charge of whoring and scores with a bunch of his ladies and they drink together and seal some deal to be brothers. He then goes to the boss in charge of gambling and bring s a boatload of cash. They also seal some sort of deal. The third boss is doing everything in his power not to be duped. Meanwhile, the village council has to meet because the Magistrate is strictly forbidden to enter the seedy part of town. They are trying to vote him out since he’s making trouble for all of the sneaky deals they have been running for years. They’ve all taken “unwanted” bribes and it’s clear their bosses know about it – which is why he appointed Dora-Heita as magistrate.
Dora-Heita’s wife has come to retrieve him and she’s a REAL tenacious woman. Causing trouble throughout town trying to retrieve him. Eventually, the third boss invite Dora-Heita to a banquet at his house. Clearly, it’s a trap, but he goes regardless. I won’t spoil the ending, but there’s a super sweet fight at the boss’ palace.
The movie is pretty solidly put together. Well acted and well fought. There is lots of action and lots of sword fighting. This film is one of the better samurai films I’ve seen. Traditional with a hint of modern film making. It’s got a couple of interesting plot twists without being hokey, so it wraps up nicely. It’s a good samurai film.
The new magistrate infiltrates the seedy area by dressing as a woman and then befriends some of the locals after he unmasks and buys them a barrel of sake. He gets in good with the low-brow people. This is all part of his plan, which unfolds throughout the movie. He goes to each of the three bosses in the seedy part of town and plays to their strengths.
The magistrate goes to the boss in charge of whoring and scores with a bunch of his ladies and they drink together and seal some deal to be brothers. He then goes to the boss in charge of gambling and bring s a boatload of cash. They also seal some sort of deal. The third boss is doing everything in his power not to be duped. Meanwhile, the village council has to meet because the Magistrate is strictly forbidden to enter the seedy part of town. They are trying to vote him out since he’s making trouble for all of the sneaky deals they have been running for years. They’ve all taken “unwanted” bribes and it’s clear their bosses know about it – which is why he appointed Dora-Heita as magistrate.
Dora-Heita’s wife has come to retrieve him and she’s a REAL tenacious woman. Causing trouble throughout town trying to retrieve him. Eventually, the third boss invite Dora-Heita to a banquet at his house. Clearly, it’s a trap, but he goes regardless. I won’t spoil the ending, but there’s a super sweet fight at the boss’ palace.
The movie is pretty solidly put together. Well acted and well fought. There is lots of action and lots of sword fighting. This film is one of the better samurai films I’ve seen. Traditional with a hint of modern film making. It’s got a couple of interesting plot twists without being hokey, so it wraps up nicely. It’s a good samurai film.
Smash Cut
Smash Cut starts with an old timey intro (meaning with an old man talking) giving viewers a warning about what they’re about to see. The film starts in a movie theater where people are watching a bad movie about a clown killing people – called Terror Toy. Everyone complains, yells, and leaves, but there is a guy standing near the exit with sad clown face painting. Cut to a strip club. This is how every movie should start.
The clown is sitting in the strip club crying in his beer and talking with his friend or agent or cameraman. Apparently, the sad clown is the director of Terror Toy and knows people hate his movie. The clown sleeps with a dancer and he kills her when he crashes his car driving her home. Then he saves her body and ends up using her body to make the special effects in his movie more believable. The director goes to the office of the critique that wrote the most recent bad review and kills her.. with a movie scene clacker with teeth. The director goes on a killing rampage to put people (or at least their body parts) into his films.
Meanwhile, the sister of the dancer he killed first begins searching for her sister. The sister is a television reporter and talks her boss at the television station into hiring the city’s best private investigator to help find her sister. The PI snoops around and gets a little too close to the director. The director starts to plot how he’s going to kill the PI. The sister shows up to audition for the director’s newest film and ends up holding her sister’s decapitated head in her hands while reciting Shakespeare. Creepy. The director continues to kill random people to harvest their body parts for placement in films. Eventually he kills enough people that people catch on, including the PI hired to bring him down.
This film is pretty terrible and not really worth watching. I totally fell for the hype and the write up of this one. It’s got bad dialogue, costumes, fight scenes, and plot. It’s probably one of the worst endings eve done in a film, and I don’t think you’ll fill a bit of suspense or drama in this film at all. It actually makes me want to watch Puppet Master, knowing it will seem like a Hollywood blockbuster compared to this film. One of the closing lines, “I kissed my dead sister’s severed head. I think instead of dinner, I might need to go get some trauma counseling.” Alright, that was funny. But that’s the extent of the humor in this film.
The clown is sitting in the strip club crying in his beer and talking with his friend or agent or cameraman. Apparently, the sad clown is the director of Terror Toy and knows people hate his movie. The clown sleeps with a dancer and he kills her when he crashes his car driving her home. Then he saves her body and ends up using her body to make the special effects in his movie more believable. The director goes to the office of the critique that wrote the most recent bad review and kills her.. with a movie scene clacker with teeth. The director goes on a killing rampage to put people (or at least their body parts) into his films.
Meanwhile, the sister of the dancer he killed first begins searching for her sister. The sister is a television reporter and talks her boss at the television station into hiring the city’s best private investigator to help find her sister. The PI snoops around and gets a little too close to the director. The director starts to plot how he’s going to kill the PI. The sister shows up to audition for the director’s newest film and ends up holding her sister’s decapitated head in her hands while reciting Shakespeare. Creepy. The director continues to kill random people to harvest their body parts for placement in films. Eventually he kills enough people that people catch on, including the PI hired to bring him down.
This film is pretty terrible and not really worth watching. I totally fell for the hype and the write up of this one. It’s got bad dialogue, costumes, fight scenes, and plot. It’s probably one of the worst endings eve done in a film, and I don’t think you’ll fill a bit of suspense or drama in this film at all. It actually makes me want to watch Puppet Master, knowing it will seem like a Hollywood blockbuster compared to this film. One of the closing lines, “I kissed my dead sister’s severed head. I think instead of dinner, I might need to go get some trauma counseling.” Alright, that was funny. But that’s the extent of the humor in this film.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Ninja Death
I love old traditional kung fu films. It reminds me of my youth when I watched hours and hours of Kung Fu Theater. And since I was a hormonally-riddled teen when this was airing, I secretly hoped to see a scantily clad lady or thought I might hear a swear word more harsh than “bastard”. Where has this movie been my whole life??? It has BOTH!!! And then an entire non-PC scene with derogatory homosexual comments – yes, inappropriate, but hilarious during the 1970s.
Here’s the plot: Tiger works at a whorehouse (ahhhh, feel the irony in that sentence…). The Japanese immigrants have set up a rival brothel down the street in an attempt to find a kung fu master with a plum flower tattoo on his chest. We later find out that kung fu master is Tiger. Tiger isn’t ready to take on the ninjas, mainly due to the fact that he’s never heard of them or know what they are. His master HAS heard of them and sets about training Tiger to fight them (mainly by kicking his ass repeatedly). As a baby, Tiger was taken from his mother during a ninja battle and the ninjas have returned to finish him off years later. The end of the movie stops short in preparation for Ninja Death II and Ninja Death III (yes, I own them all), so I am looking at this like the kung fu version of Lord of the Rings.
Here are some things that I learned from Ninja Death:
I wouldn’t run out and buy this series but it is pretty amusing. I hope the second and third ones are equally amusing. As is typical for traditional kung fu films, the overdubbing is half of the comedy. However, halfway through the movies, the accents suddenly turn British instead of American, up to that point. There are some pretty sweet fight scenes, but there are also some awful special effects that counter the awesomeness. There isn’t much about the plot of this film that makes it stick out amongst the hoards of difficult-to-differentiate kung fu films, but like most of them, you won’t feel like you wasted your time. And for the record, this is borderline Bad Movie Night material… Also is it ninjas or ninja (similar to deer or deers)?
Here’s the plot: Tiger works at a whorehouse (ahhhh, feel the irony in that sentence…). The Japanese immigrants have set up a rival brothel down the street in an attempt to find a kung fu master with a plum flower tattoo on his chest. We later find out that kung fu master is Tiger. Tiger isn’t ready to take on the ninjas, mainly due to the fact that he’s never heard of them or know what they are. His master HAS heard of them and sets about training Tiger to fight them (mainly by kicking his ass repeatedly). As a baby, Tiger was taken from his mother during a ninja battle and the ninjas have returned to finish him off years later. The end of the movie stops short in preparation for Ninja Death II and Ninja Death III (yes, I own them all), so I am looking at this like the kung fu version of Lord of the Rings.
Here are some things that I learned from Ninja Death:
- Hitting 300 pressure points will stop someone from puking
- Suspender snap hurts kung fu masters worse than multiple punches in face
- British overdubbed voices pronounce “ninja” like “ninjer” – I giggle every time
- If a female ninja attacks you, she can be defeated by trying to kiss her – apparently, they’re powerless against the kissing attack. The tradeoff is that three Japanese geisha can bring down a kung fu master with giggles
- Everytime I hear a clarinet, I’m going to be on the lookout for ninjas
- Ninjas used to be sex machines
- A man with long black hair that wears a long black wig looks exactly the same when he takes said wig off
- Ninjas take baby steps when they run
- Hugging is foreplay
- Based on the amount of passion demonstrated by female ninjas during kissing, I hope I never kiss a female ninja
- Beggars hold their own pretty well against a swarm of ninjas
I wouldn’t run out and buy this series but it is pretty amusing. I hope the second and third ones are equally amusing. As is typical for traditional kung fu films, the overdubbing is half of the comedy. However, halfway through the movies, the accents suddenly turn British instead of American, up to that point. There are some pretty sweet fight scenes, but there are also some awful special effects that counter the awesomeness. There isn’t much about the plot of this film that makes it stick out amongst the hoards of difficult-to-differentiate kung fu films, but like most of them, you won’t feel like you wasted your time. And for the record, this is borderline Bad Movie Night material… Also is it ninjas or ninja (similar to deer or deers)?
Julie & Julia
Julie and Julia is a cute little film about Julia Child, the famous cook played here by Meryl Streep, before she became famous and modern Julie, played by Amy Adams, who is kind of a non-famous writer. Julie has a bunch of rich and important (read: snooty) friends who have no idea what she's going through because they can't relate. Julie decides, with the recommendation of her boyfriend, to go through Julia Child's entire cookbook and blog about the experience. She does so (with some difficulty), but gets quite a following of friends and readers she doesn't know.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Get Him To The Greek
I had mixed feelings going into this movie, but based on the previews I thought I had better at least give it a shot (especially since someone else was paying). It’s about a record company kid (Jonah Hill) trying to make a splash in the business by pitching an idea to his boss (played by P.Diddy) to have a just-past-peaked rock star (Russell Brand) play a show at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles. The trick is getting this drug- and drink-consuming machine to the theater in the first place.
Aldous Snow is a rock star who used to be a pretty big deal. He and his band released a pretty crappy album which got scathing reviews. He split with his pop star wife because they had both been cheating and living the rock star life style. She’s been clean for a while, but Aldous has been pounding drinks and narcotics for long enough that it’s clearly effecting his performance.
Aaron Green (Hill) works for Sergio Roma (Diddy) at a record label and Sergio asks his people for advice on how to make the next big smash hit artist. Aaron says they should get Aldous Snow (Brand) to play the Greek Theater and make a huge comeback (along with all kinds of interviews and publicity along the way). Aaron flies to London after breaking up with his girlfriend to pick up Aldous and all kinds of hilarious things happen because Aldous doesn’t feel like going to the US right then. Aldous takes Aaron out on the town (for a continuous three days) and gets him amazingly loaded.
They eventually make it on to a plane to the US and have stops in NYC, Vegas, and Los Angeles for publicity and eventually the concert. Aaron tags along and manages to drag Aldous to barely make each engagement. Aldous stops in Las Vegas to see his washed-up musician of a father and serious comedy happens here. I hate to admit it, but as slapstick as this stupid scene is, I hurt myself laughing at everything that happens here. Everyone on drugs and drinking leads to hilarious fist fighting and a fire in the hotel.
I’m not going to ruin anything by telling you Aldous makes it to the Greek Theater to play the show, but not until after being seriously messed up (mentally, emotionally, physically, and probably a few other adverbs). There are some touching “buddy moments”. There are some messed up relationship moments. There are some hilarious (and true) rock star d-bag things that happen. And there are incredible moments of comedic brilliance.
This may not be my favorite movie of the year, but it was a really solid movie that I’m really glad I saw. The acting in the film is really funny. I’m not even sure it was believable, but I’m not sure it was supposed to be. Honestly, P.Diddy was hilarious in this film and did some things that were probably outside of his comfort zone, but it totally worked. Russell Brand should be the only persona allowed to play a rock star for as long as I’m alive. He’s an amazing combination of borderline-gay, douche-bag, pompous ass, pretty boy, emotionally void moron, and charismatic British playa. The film has more intelligent humor than most films out there, while still containing enough impossibly zany things to make you feel guilty for laughing. I’m not really comparing the two films, but if you like movies like The Hangover, then you’ll probably love this film. It’s worth checking out, for sure.
Aldous Snow is a rock star who used to be a pretty big deal. He and his band released a pretty crappy album which got scathing reviews. He split with his pop star wife because they had both been cheating and living the rock star life style. She’s been clean for a while, but Aldous has been pounding drinks and narcotics for long enough that it’s clearly effecting his performance.
Aaron Green (Hill) works for Sergio Roma (Diddy) at a record label and Sergio asks his people for advice on how to make the next big smash hit artist. Aaron says they should get Aldous Snow (Brand) to play the Greek Theater and make a huge comeback (along with all kinds of interviews and publicity along the way). Aaron flies to London after breaking up with his girlfriend to pick up Aldous and all kinds of hilarious things happen because Aldous doesn’t feel like going to the US right then. Aldous takes Aaron out on the town (for a continuous three days) and gets him amazingly loaded.
They eventually make it on to a plane to the US and have stops in NYC, Vegas, and Los Angeles for publicity and eventually the concert. Aaron tags along and manages to drag Aldous to barely make each engagement. Aldous stops in Las Vegas to see his washed-up musician of a father and serious comedy happens here. I hate to admit it, but as slapstick as this stupid scene is, I hurt myself laughing at everything that happens here. Everyone on drugs and drinking leads to hilarious fist fighting and a fire in the hotel.
I’m not going to ruin anything by telling you Aldous makes it to the Greek Theater to play the show, but not until after being seriously messed up (mentally, emotionally, physically, and probably a few other adverbs). There are some touching “buddy moments”. There are some messed up relationship moments. There are some hilarious (and true) rock star d-bag things that happen. And there are incredible moments of comedic brilliance.
This may not be my favorite movie of the year, but it was a really solid movie that I’m really glad I saw. The acting in the film is really funny. I’m not even sure it was believable, but I’m not sure it was supposed to be. Honestly, P.Diddy was hilarious in this film and did some things that were probably outside of his comfort zone, but it totally worked. Russell Brand should be the only persona allowed to play a rock star for as long as I’m alive. He’s an amazing combination of borderline-gay, douche-bag, pompous ass, pretty boy, emotionally void moron, and charismatic British playa. The film has more intelligent humor than most films out there, while still containing enough impossibly zany things to make you feel guilty for laughing. I’m not really comparing the two films, but if you like movies like The Hangover, then you’ll probably love this film. It’s worth checking out, for sure.
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