I would try to explain to you how 3D pornography blurs the line between awesome and horrific, as well as disgusting and hilarious, but I can’t. Suffice it to say, it isn’t arousing. It wasn’t arousing in the 70’s and watching a movie from the 70’s in the 2010’s STILL isn’t arousing. However, watching adult films with 100 other people in a large mainstream theater IS pretty awesome. This isn’t the first 3D "blue movie" I’ve watched with a large crowd of people, sadly.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Zombie Strippers
This movie is exactly like what you’d expect it to be from the title. Add in the fact that Jenna Jameson is one of the main stars of the film, and you know you’re in for a clothing-minimal zombie movie. Add in Robert Englund (of Freddy Krueger fame) and you’ve just taken that zombie film to a new low-budget level.
Even though you don’t care about the plot, I’ll give it to you anyway. The government is developing some sort of virus that reanimates flesh. They planned to use it as a military weapon once they perfected it. They have a couple of loose zombies locked up in a facility of some sort and they send in a team of commandos to eradicate them. One of the commandos gets bitten and then runs away – to a strip club.
The infected guy bites Jenna Jameson (after her way-too-long dance routine) and turns her into a zombie. Yes, a zombie stripper. She comes back out on stage and does a zombie dance that gets all the guys in the place riled up. Then she takes a fan backstage and eats him. Robert Englund is the owner of the illegal strip club and figures he can capitalize on the zombie stripper since it’s bringing in money. The other girls see how well Jenna is doing with the cash and ask to get bitten as well. Soon, there’s a hoard (or whore-d) of zombie strippers – which subsequently brings in more fresh meat for the strippers to eat (and turn into more zombies). The extra zombies are then locked up in the basement.
The film is absolutely terrible when it comes to acting and special effects. They spent all their money on acquiring Jenna Jameson (who I’m SURE is expensive) and Robert Englund (who probably just needed a few dollars to eat, since he’s not doing much these days – and clearly isn’t taking any acting lessons in his free time). The special effects were really poorly done and the CGI they added enraged me at first, then amused me, then went quickly back into enraging me. It was terrible.
The plot itself is, yes, ridiculous, but they could have at least made it funny (and possibly took out some of the non-funny racist jokes which are everywhere). This would have been the perfect opportunity to make a REALLY funny zombie movie, and they blew it. Speaking of blowing, there were faaaaaaaaar too many stripping scenes. I actually said out loud, “I wish there were more zombie parts and less stripper parts” more than once. It was really quite boring during these parts and I wished they had hurried up. Yes, the first time was fine to set the stage with Jenna Jameson. Whatever - she doesn’t interest me, but you can’t have a movie called Zombie Strippers, unless there are actually strippers.
I will say this, it appears the strippers used in this movie are actually having fun dancing as zombies. There’s an energy on film that you can tell they had a good time when they weren’t required to speak and were wearing hilarious blood and latex fake wounds while gyrating to increasingly awesome music. For example, the music started with pretty odd (but standard) house techno whore-dancing music. By the end of the film, it turned into pretty awesome metal and hardcore breakdown-infused awesomeness. (I now hope there is a soundtrack available for this film…)
Depending on your persuasion, you’ll be amused at the numerous political messages about George W. Bush, Jenna Bush, and the NRA, including Robert Englund’s comment “The second Amendment says I have the right to own guns, not that I have to know how to use them.” Worth a chuckle at least.
Yes, this movie is filled with tons of gratuitous TNA, but eventually, it’s dancing corpses as the bodies look worse and worse. But if you’re watching this film, you’re probably not all that hopeful for an awesome plot nor top-notch acting. It’s probably funnier in theory and concept than it is entertaining. If you see it on sale somewhere with a serious discount, consider picking up a copy.
Even though you don’t care about the plot, I’ll give it to you anyway. The government is developing some sort of virus that reanimates flesh. They planned to use it as a military weapon once they perfected it. They have a couple of loose zombies locked up in a facility of some sort and they send in a team of commandos to eradicate them. One of the commandos gets bitten and then runs away – to a strip club.
The infected guy bites Jenna Jameson (after her way-too-long dance routine) and turns her into a zombie. Yes, a zombie stripper. She comes back out on stage and does a zombie dance that gets all the guys in the place riled up. Then she takes a fan backstage and eats him. Robert Englund is the owner of the illegal strip club and figures he can capitalize on the zombie stripper since it’s bringing in money. The other girls see how well Jenna is doing with the cash and ask to get bitten as well. Soon, there’s a hoard (or whore-d) of zombie strippers – which subsequently brings in more fresh meat for the strippers to eat (and turn into more zombies). The extra zombies are then locked up in the basement.
The film is absolutely terrible when it comes to acting and special effects. They spent all their money on acquiring Jenna Jameson (who I’m SURE is expensive) and Robert Englund (who probably just needed a few dollars to eat, since he’s not doing much these days – and clearly isn’t taking any acting lessons in his free time). The special effects were really poorly done and the CGI they added enraged me at first, then amused me, then went quickly back into enraging me. It was terrible.
The plot itself is, yes, ridiculous, but they could have at least made it funny (and possibly took out some of the non-funny racist jokes which are everywhere). This would have been the perfect opportunity to make a REALLY funny zombie movie, and they blew it. Speaking of blowing, there were faaaaaaaaar too many stripping scenes. I actually said out loud, “I wish there were more zombie parts and less stripper parts” more than once. It was really quite boring during these parts and I wished they had hurried up. Yes, the first time was fine to set the stage with Jenna Jameson. Whatever - she doesn’t interest me, but you can’t have a movie called Zombie Strippers, unless there are actually strippers.
I will say this, it appears the strippers used in this movie are actually having fun dancing as zombies. There’s an energy on film that you can tell they had a good time when they weren’t required to speak and were wearing hilarious blood and latex fake wounds while gyrating to increasingly awesome music. For example, the music started with pretty odd (but standard) house techno whore-dancing music. By the end of the film, it turned into pretty awesome metal and hardcore breakdown-infused awesomeness. (I now hope there is a soundtrack available for this film…)
Depending on your persuasion, you’ll be amused at the numerous political messages about George W. Bush, Jenna Bush, and the NRA, including Robert Englund’s comment “The second Amendment says I have the right to own guns, not that I have to know how to use them.” Worth a chuckle at least.
Yes, this movie is filled with tons of gratuitous TNA, but eventually, it’s dancing corpses as the bodies look worse and worse. But if you’re watching this film, you’re probably not all that hopeful for an awesome plot nor top-notch acting. It’s probably funnier in theory and concept than it is entertaining. If you see it on sale somewhere with a serious discount, consider picking up a copy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
I had wanted to see Human Centipede since I figured out the preview/trailer wasn’t a joke. Seriously, the drawing by the doctor as to what he’s trying to create is 1st-grade-art-class level stuff. Doctor sews three people together – there’s the plot. Alright, there’s a little more to it…
Two girls are touring Europe by themselves. They meet a bartender who has invited them to a party. The girls get lost on the way and end up at this crazy doctor’s house. The doctor drugs them and when they wake up, they’re restrained and about to be used in an experiment. See, the good doctor here is the world’s foremost expert in separating Siamese twins. Now that he’s retired, he wants to CREATE, rather than separate. He has already done one successful such experiment on his three pet rottweilers. Now, he wants to make a HUMAN centipede.
The doctor captures another tourist and through a series of events, which are explained in detail by the doctor in some sort of creepy medical lesson, the two girls and guy are surgically attached. When I say surgically attached, I mean lengthwise. Their intestinal track is now one long stitched-together tube. Here, I’ll be more clear: ass to mouth, then ass to mouth again.
Just let that sink in for a second.
Now let it sink in what happens after the front person eats a meal.
The final scene is something that sticks with you a bit. Nothing gruesome or horrific – just more empathetically saddening. You know what I’m talking about: like when your face is attached to some guy’s butt and the person behind you is stuck to your butt, and … wait… let’s hope that whole thing doesn’t happen. You’ll think (maybe out loud), “Wow. I hope that doesn’t happen to me.”
The movie is well-acted and well shot, especially the music, lighting, and filters used in the scenes. The doctor was casted PERFECTLY and his part is carried out flawlessly. The guy is amazing at this role. The movie does have some suspenseful parts where one of the girls briefly escapes and then again when the centipede disappears for a short while. But all in all, it really isn’t that “scary”. Yes, it is gross and very detailed about how the attachment is performed. But this film isn’t going to give you nightmares, it isn’t going to make you hear things around corners that aren’t there, and it isn’t going to make you have to turn on all the lights in your house. The gross factor is something you can get over pretty easily in the movie. Basically, it’s a horrific concept and my compliments go out to the person who thought of this movie. However, it didn’t engage me very well nor put the slightest bit of fear in my head. Bummer.
I’m unsure how they’re going to make a sequel to this one called The Human Centipede (Full Sequence), but word on the street is that it’s going to happen. With more people sewn together. Ass to mouth. And yes, I’ll probably see it.
Note: My nephew – in med school – says this concept is completely impossible. To which I argued the packaging of the DVD states “100% Medically Accurate!!!” Boxes don’t lie. My nephew just shook his head.
Two girls are touring Europe by themselves. They meet a bartender who has invited them to a party. The girls get lost on the way and end up at this crazy doctor’s house. The doctor drugs them and when they wake up, they’re restrained and about to be used in an experiment. See, the good doctor here is the world’s foremost expert in separating Siamese twins. Now that he’s retired, he wants to CREATE, rather than separate. He has already done one successful such experiment on his three pet rottweilers. Now, he wants to make a HUMAN centipede.
The doctor captures another tourist and through a series of events, which are explained in detail by the doctor in some sort of creepy medical lesson, the two girls and guy are surgically attached. When I say surgically attached, I mean lengthwise. Their intestinal track is now one long stitched-together tube. Here, I’ll be more clear: ass to mouth, then ass to mouth again.
Just let that sink in for a second.
Now let it sink in what happens after the front person eats a meal.
The final scene is something that sticks with you a bit. Nothing gruesome or horrific – just more empathetically saddening. You know what I’m talking about: like when your face is attached to some guy’s butt and the person behind you is stuck to your butt, and … wait… let’s hope that whole thing doesn’t happen. You’ll think (maybe out loud), “Wow. I hope that doesn’t happen to me.”
The movie is well-acted and well shot, especially the music, lighting, and filters used in the scenes. The doctor was casted PERFECTLY and his part is carried out flawlessly. The guy is amazing at this role. The movie does have some suspenseful parts where one of the girls briefly escapes and then again when the centipede disappears for a short while. But all in all, it really isn’t that “scary”. Yes, it is gross and very detailed about how the attachment is performed. But this film isn’t going to give you nightmares, it isn’t going to make you hear things around corners that aren’t there, and it isn’t going to make you have to turn on all the lights in your house. The gross factor is something you can get over pretty easily in the movie. Basically, it’s a horrific concept and my compliments go out to the person who thought of this movie. However, it didn’t engage me very well nor put the slightest bit of fear in my head. Bummer.
I’m unsure how they’re going to make a sequel to this one called The Human Centipede (Full Sequence), but word on the street is that it’s going to happen. With more people sewn together. Ass to mouth. And yes, I’ll probably see it.
Note: My nephew – in med school – says this concept is completely impossible. To which I argued the packaging of the DVD states “100% Medically Accurate!!!” Boxes don’t lie. My nephew just shook his head.
The Pope's Toilet
It is 1988, and there is small village in Uruguay that the Pope is coming to visit – a once in a lifetime event. The whole village is trying to figure out a way to capitalize on his visit – literally capitalize since they’re setting up food and craft booths to sell things to the tourists. One man figures with all the food being sold, clearly people will be in need of a toilet shortly after. Genius.
Beto is a smuggler of goods across the Brazil-Uruguay border. He rides a bike loaded with various food staples to supply to local merchants. It doesn’t pay all that well and periodically, the bike smugglers get shut down by the local customs guy or the military at the outpost at the border. Beto wants to get rich quick and this Papal visit is going to be huge for the area. People are expecting 40,000 to 200,000 visitors to hear the Pope’s speech and all of them will be buying things.
People mortgage their houses and get loans from the bank for investing in chorizo and everyone is trying to make it big on this momentous occasion. Beto gets some help from his friends to build the toilet on his property, and finagles some money out of his wife for the materials. The money was supposed to go their daughter for schooling, but Beto is sure he will make it all back and have plenty of money left over for tuition.
The film starts pretty slow, but once it gets rolling, you become endeared to Beto and his group of friends. You honestly hope he succeed with his plans, and you hope all his friends and neighbors also succeed when the Pope comes. The movie is well acted and at times is pretty funny. There are some tense scenes, but all in all, it’s an enjoyable movie. Slow and depressing, but still enjoyable.
Beto is a smuggler of goods across the Brazil-Uruguay border. He rides a bike loaded with various food staples to supply to local merchants. It doesn’t pay all that well and periodically, the bike smugglers get shut down by the local customs guy or the military at the outpost at the border. Beto wants to get rich quick and this Papal visit is going to be huge for the area. People are expecting 40,000 to 200,000 visitors to hear the Pope’s speech and all of them will be buying things.
People mortgage their houses and get loans from the bank for investing in chorizo and everyone is trying to make it big on this momentous occasion. Beto gets some help from his friends to build the toilet on his property, and finagles some money out of his wife for the materials. The money was supposed to go their daughter for schooling, but Beto is sure he will make it all back and have plenty of money left over for tuition.
The film starts pretty slow, but once it gets rolling, you become endeared to Beto and his group of friends. You honestly hope he succeed with his plans, and you hope all his friends and neighbors also succeed when the Pope comes. The movie is well acted and at times is pretty funny. There are some tense scenes, but all in all, it’s an enjoyable movie. Slow and depressing, but still enjoyable.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Love and Other Drugs
I knew this movie was a depressing chick flick, but I was still game to see it. Here’s why – I’m a sucker for Jake Gyllenhaal (and his wack job sister Maggie), and my grandmother has Parkinson’s (which is what the movie is about). (Plus it was my lady’s birthday, so I does what I’m told…) It’s a decent film, with a pretty standard love story plot.
Jamie (Gyllenhaal) comes from a rich family, his little brother (who is a moron – a hilarious moron) sells a company he’s come up with, for a few million and is still incompetent and ends up living on his big brother’s floor. Jamie had dropped out of med school because he was bored. The guy sleeps with anything with a pulse and decides he can use this skill to sell pharmaceuticals. It’s a high paying job and his medical background serves him very well (as does laying pipe all around the Ohio River Valley).
He meets Maggie (played by Anne Hathaway) who has early onset Parkinson’s. Maggie is drowning her problems by sleeping with random guys and not actually being intimate with any of them (I hope to Balzak my grandmother hasn’t done this – I will now bleach my eyes…). They agree to sleep together and not get serious.
This works fine for about a week and then Jamie starts showing up and doing boyfriendy things. She fights it with all she’s got and eventually caves. They become exclusive RIGHT as Viagra is launched on the market and he’s got to sell it. He chooses Maggie over demonstrating first-hand the effects of Viagra. Jamie now gets to see Maggie at her worst, like when her drugs wear off and she’s a wreck.
Maggie goes to an Un-Conference for Parkinson’s and hears a bunch of (what I assume are) Parkinson’s patients cracking wise about their disease and how they keep on living no matter what. This opens Maggie’s eyes immediately after Jamie gets some grim advice from a spouse of a Parkinson’s patient. Jamie tries to fix the problem with Maggie, but Maggie just wants to live her life. They split up.
The movie isn’t uplifting at all, but it does have some funny moments. And for those of you who like to see Anne Hathaway nekid, you see it a LOT in this movie. A LOT. The acting is quite good and doesn’t get slap stick-y or ridiculous for the most part, though there are a couple of really bad “pretty woman”-type scenes. It’s pretty believable, but the scenes are a little disjunct. And just a bit dreary even though you always know what’s coming in this film. That being said, (promiscuous grandmothers aside) it’s a decent film. More for the ladies, but I’ve now got some awesome opening lines if my girlfriend decides to leave me after making comments about Maggie Gyllenhaal – thank you Jake. (Note, the previews don’t really tell what this movie is about. It is more seedy and dark than the happy-go-lucky feel the previews suggest.)
Jamie (Gyllenhaal) comes from a rich family, his little brother (who is a moron – a hilarious moron) sells a company he’s come up with, for a few million and is still incompetent and ends up living on his big brother’s floor. Jamie had dropped out of med school because he was bored. The guy sleeps with anything with a pulse and decides he can use this skill to sell pharmaceuticals. It’s a high paying job and his medical background serves him very well (as does laying pipe all around the Ohio River Valley).
He meets Maggie (played by Anne Hathaway) who has early onset Parkinson’s. Maggie is drowning her problems by sleeping with random guys and not actually being intimate with any of them (I hope to Balzak my grandmother hasn’t done this – I will now bleach my eyes…). They agree to sleep together and not get serious.
This works fine for about a week and then Jamie starts showing up and doing boyfriendy things. She fights it with all she’s got and eventually caves. They become exclusive RIGHT as Viagra is launched on the market and he’s got to sell it. He chooses Maggie over demonstrating first-hand the effects of Viagra. Jamie now gets to see Maggie at her worst, like when her drugs wear off and she’s a wreck.
Maggie goes to an Un-Conference for Parkinson’s and hears a bunch of (what I assume are) Parkinson’s patients cracking wise about their disease and how they keep on living no matter what. This opens Maggie’s eyes immediately after Jamie gets some grim advice from a spouse of a Parkinson’s patient. Jamie tries to fix the problem with Maggie, but Maggie just wants to live her life. They split up.
The movie isn’t uplifting at all, but it does have some funny moments. And for those of you who like to see Anne Hathaway nekid, you see it a LOT in this movie. A LOT. The acting is quite good and doesn’t get slap stick-y or ridiculous for the most part, though there are a couple of really bad “pretty woman”-type scenes. It’s pretty believable, but the scenes are a little disjunct. And just a bit dreary even though you always know what’s coming in this film. That being said, (promiscuous grandmothers aside) it’s a decent film. More for the ladies, but I’ve now got some awesome opening lines if my girlfriend decides to leave me after making comments about Maggie Gyllenhaal – thank you Jake. (Note, the previews don’t really tell what this movie is about. It is more seedy and dark than the happy-go-lucky feel the previews suggest.)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Nun of That
Nun of That is a pretty awful shoot ‘em up movie involving a vigilante group of nuns actually working for the Vatican and fighting crime – they’re called the Order of the Black Habit. All of the nuns are named after the seven deadly sins. That’s about as interesting as the film gets.
The movie starts out in a pasta bar/strip club where there’s a nun dancing. The dancing nun starts killing the Italians and then ends up dying at the hands of one of the mob bosses. Luckily the Vatican is tracking her with a TRS-80, so they know she’s been killed and can send out a replacement. Cut to nun lesbian shower scene. Then cut to a nun, Sister Kelly Wrath, who has a bad temper and has been kicked out of her convent and sent to the hood. She is then recruited (by Jesus) to fight for these assassin nuns after these Italian mobsters gun her down in an alley. Moses and Gandhi give her some fighting skills in a completely asinine musical song and dance scene in heaven.
We see the nuns go to a ridiculous dive bar called Bar Nun (get it?) and sadly there’s a nun band playing behind a chicken wire fence that gives a nod to the Blues Brothers. The nuns are fighting an Italian mob family who has been running the town and not in a good way. None of the Italian guys are actually Italian, but all are wearing these tacky sports jackets, smoke-darkened sun glasses, and have ridiculously fake accents. The Italians seem to be everywhere and the vigilante nuns are going to put a stop to them. Cut to another lesbian nun scene.
The Italians eventually capture Sister Wrath and hold her hostage. There’s a Jewish guy working for the Italian family and he has Star of David throwing stars. Hilarious. He brings up these sort of demons named Eli and Levi and they know… wait for it… Jew-jitsu. Then they fight to Hava Nagila – really stupid. The Jewish guy wants first crack at Sister Wrath, but the other nuns are on the lookout for their fallen partner. And of course Lloyd Kaufman is playing the Pope, as any terrible movie should have. Absolutely the worst ending to a movie ever. I’m not even sure what it means.
I can’t begin to explain how bad this movie is. I’ve tried here, but this doesn’t do it justice. Don’t bother with this film. I thought it would be good for a laugh and it isn’t at all. It sounds like it could be a hilarious concept but it falls flat. It doesn’t help that there are soooo many terrible puns using the word “nun” that it’s painful. The terrible special effects don’t make it any less painful.
The movie starts out in a pasta bar/strip club where there’s a nun dancing. The dancing nun starts killing the Italians and then ends up dying at the hands of one of the mob bosses. Luckily the Vatican is tracking her with a TRS-80, so they know she’s been killed and can send out a replacement. Cut to nun lesbian shower scene. Then cut to a nun, Sister Kelly Wrath, who has a bad temper and has been kicked out of her convent and sent to the hood. She is then recruited (by Jesus) to fight for these assassin nuns after these Italian mobsters gun her down in an alley. Moses and Gandhi give her some fighting skills in a completely asinine musical song and dance scene in heaven.
We see the nuns go to a ridiculous dive bar called Bar Nun (get it?) and sadly there’s a nun band playing behind a chicken wire fence that gives a nod to the Blues Brothers. The nuns are fighting an Italian mob family who has been running the town and not in a good way. None of the Italian guys are actually Italian, but all are wearing these tacky sports jackets, smoke-darkened sun glasses, and have ridiculously fake accents. The Italians seem to be everywhere and the vigilante nuns are going to put a stop to them. Cut to another lesbian nun scene.
The Italians eventually capture Sister Wrath and hold her hostage. There’s a Jewish guy working for the Italian family and he has Star of David throwing stars. Hilarious. He brings up these sort of demons named Eli and Levi and they know… wait for it… Jew-jitsu. Then they fight to Hava Nagila – really stupid. The Jewish guy wants first crack at Sister Wrath, but the other nuns are on the lookout for their fallen partner. And of course Lloyd Kaufman is playing the Pope, as any terrible movie should have. Absolutely the worst ending to a movie ever. I’m not even sure what it means.
I can’t begin to explain how bad this movie is. I’ve tried here, but this doesn’t do it justice. Don’t bother with this film. I thought it would be good for a laugh and it isn’t at all. It sounds like it could be a hilarious concept but it falls flat. It doesn’t help that there are soooo many terrible puns using the word “nun” that it’s painful. The terrible special effects don’t make it any less painful.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Shaolin vs. Evil Dead
For those of you not well-versed in traditional kung-fu movies, vampires are white-faced and hop around with their arms out. This movie explains that a monk walking in front of the vampires rings a bell to intentionally make them hop and keep their arms out. This is done so they keep a safe distance from the zombie in front of them and by hopping, they keep out of trouble. I didn’t say it made sense, I just said it got explained.
A Master and his two young underlings are parading a group of undead through the city. They stop for food where the master whips out this magical viewfinder to see that everyone is a zombie in the restaurant. The trio ends up getting attacked at the restaurant and for some reason, the master never thinks to ring the bell (that would have been my first reaction, honestly). Considerable fight ensues in the faux restaurant and just when it looks like they’re about to die, a pair of zombie hunters show up (from the same school as the Master vampire-walker) and help them out. Unfortunately, one of the two underlings gets a spirit shoved down his throat and is now secretly possessed. Meanwhile, the older underling makes eyes at one of the zombie hunters that shows up to help.
They master and his vampires get back to the mortuary and get the vampires all buried and the trio go about their business the next day. The zombie hunters turn out to be not the nicest people in the world, and the oldest underling is torn because he really likes the lady zombie hunter. The zombie hunters raise a demon for the villagers and then defeat it in a show of power. Various battles ensue.
Then, out of nowhere, the movie ends. I thought the DVD had frozen up, but it was actually the end of the movie. It gets worse, people. During the final credits, there’s a split screen: cast and crew on one side, action clips from the film on the other side. I would normally be fine with that, except for the fact that none of the clips they were rolling were actually IN the film. And what’s worse, is I couldn’t tell if they were scenes that had been cut out of this one, or came from a prequel that I didn’t know about or are scenes from Part 2, if that exists. They looked like there were the same people, but fighting various CGI monsters and blowing things up - none of which I saw. Super weird.
Despite the abrupt ending, this film was really well done. The CGI could use some help, but the fighting was good and the acting was pretty good. Watching with the subtitles and the English audio is always hilarious, so I think the story was good as well – if it actually had an ending. It isn’t an amazing film or anything, but as far as martial arts films shot in modern times to look like traditional kung-fu, it’s pretty good.
A Master and his two young underlings are parading a group of undead through the city. They stop for food where the master whips out this magical viewfinder to see that everyone is a zombie in the restaurant. The trio ends up getting attacked at the restaurant and for some reason, the master never thinks to ring the bell (that would have been my first reaction, honestly). Considerable fight ensues in the faux restaurant and just when it looks like they’re about to die, a pair of zombie hunters show up (from the same school as the Master vampire-walker) and help them out. Unfortunately, one of the two underlings gets a spirit shoved down his throat and is now secretly possessed. Meanwhile, the older underling makes eyes at one of the zombie hunters that shows up to help.
They master and his vampires get back to the mortuary and get the vampires all buried and the trio go about their business the next day. The zombie hunters turn out to be not the nicest people in the world, and the oldest underling is torn because he really likes the lady zombie hunter. The zombie hunters raise a demon for the villagers and then defeat it in a show of power. Various battles ensue.
Then, out of nowhere, the movie ends. I thought the DVD had frozen up, but it was actually the end of the movie. It gets worse, people. During the final credits, there’s a split screen: cast and crew on one side, action clips from the film on the other side. I would normally be fine with that, except for the fact that none of the clips they were rolling were actually IN the film. And what’s worse, is I couldn’t tell if they were scenes that had been cut out of this one, or came from a prequel that I didn’t know about or are scenes from Part 2, if that exists. They looked like there were the same people, but fighting various CGI monsters and blowing things up - none of which I saw. Super weird.
Despite the abrupt ending, this film was really well done. The CGI could use some help, but the fighting was good and the acting was pretty good. Watching with the subtitles and the English audio is always hilarious, so I think the story was good as well – if it actually had an ending. It isn’t an amazing film or anything, but as far as martial arts films shot in modern times to look like traditional kung-fu, it’s pretty good.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole
Before you mock (especially since I just reviewed Machete), I will defend myself by saying my girlfriend and I took her little sister to see this film. And frankly, I rather enjoyed it, so suck it. Now picture this amalgamation, if you will: Combine The Secret of Nimh, but with owls instead of rats, and then throw in 300 (the Spartan movie without shirts in it). Legend of the Guardians is the 300 of owl movies.
I don’t know if this film is based on a book of some sort (I’m guessing yes, since any title with an apostrophe and an unpronounceable name generally indicates this), nor do I know who the director or the producer or even what studio produced this. I also don’t care to look it up.
Moving on…
Legend of the Guardians is about two brother owls. They are just learning to fly. They think they know everything at this age (you know how young owls are…), so when their parents head out to hunt for food for the night, the two brothers try out their skills. They drop out of their tree to the forest floor, which is a bad place for owls. They are attacked by something resembling a wolverine (not Hugh Jackman), but then rescued by these large British-accented owls. Maybe rescued isn’t the right word, since the large owls take them captive and bring them to a secret lair. The lair is where an evil owl is brainwashing the new recruits into pickers and soldiers. The pickers have the sole purpose of picking away at owl pellets to find flecks of metal for some evil machine. (This is the learning portion of the movie: Owls hack up hard bits of bone and fur and other indigestible things kind of like a hairball, called pellets.) The soldiers are trained in fighting and given armor to facilitate this fighting. They are trying to be rulers of the owl kingdom by using this magnetic metal machine to control the good owls. (They also use bats as henchmen to do their evil dirtywork.)
One brother escapes and one brother decides he’s going to be a solider. The brother who escapes finds a way to get to the Guardians – sort of a mythical legendary owl race who are super good and fight evil. The guardians listen to the escapee brother and then go check things out at the lair. Epic battle ensues.
This movie is in 3D, which for me, means I’m motion sick in less than ten minutes. I’m glad I didn’t see this in the IMAX theater or I might possibly have died. There are a LOT of flying scenes in this film. The animation is really quite good and impressive. I like to pay attention to the background in many scenes to see if the renderers left anything out, which they didn’t. Some scenes are quite beautiful and nice. And then… there are the fight scenes. You’d probably not think owls would make a good subject for fight scenes. But add in shiny metal armor, slow motion, and spraying owl blood, you’ll get a pretty sweet result. I was pretty impressed by this.
All around us were little kids ooohing and aahhhhing, and it was really cute. The kids were literally on the edge of their seats at times and were really quite engaged in the film. This film has enough action to keep their attention, enough frights to make kids scream, and enough feel-good stuff to make sure they aren’t terrified during scary parts.
I don’t know that I’d recommend this to everyone, but if your kids or nieces or nephews want to see it, you won’t be disappointed. It’s worth watching, especially with the 3D aspect.
I don’t know if this film is based on a book of some sort (I’m guessing yes, since any title with an apostrophe and an unpronounceable name generally indicates this), nor do I know who the director or the producer or even what studio produced this. I also don’t care to look it up.
Moving on…
Legend of the Guardians is about two brother owls. They are just learning to fly. They think they know everything at this age (you know how young owls are…), so when their parents head out to hunt for food for the night, the two brothers try out their skills. They drop out of their tree to the forest floor, which is a bad place for owls. They are attacked by something resembling a wolverine (not Hugh Jackman), but then rescued by these large British-accented owls. Maybe rescued isn’t the right word, since the large owls take them captive and bring them to a secret lair. The lair is where an evil owl is brainwashing the new recruits into pickers and soldiers. The pickers have the sole purpose of picking away at owl pellets to find flecks of metal for some evil machine. (This is the learning portion of the movie: Owls hack up hard bits of bone and fur and other indigestible things kind of like a hairball, called pellets.) The soldiers are trained in fighting and given armor to facilitate this fighting. They are trying to be rulers of the owl kingdom by using this magnetic metal machine to control the good owls. (They also use bats as henchmen to do their evil dirtywork.)
One brother escapes and one brother decides he’s going to be a solider. The brother who escapes finds a way to get to the Guardians – sort of a mythical legendary owl race who are super good and fight evil. The guardians listen to the escapee brother and then go check things out at the lair. Epic battle ensues.
This movie is in 3D, which for me, means I’m motion sick in less than ten minutes. I’m glad I didn’t see this in the IMAX theater or I might possibly have died. There are a LOT of flying scenes in this film. The animation is really quite good and impressive. I like to pay attention to the background in many scenes to see if the renderers left anything out, which they didn’t. Some scenes are quite beautiful and nice. And then… there are the fight scenes. You’d probably not think owls would make a good subject for fight scenes. But add in shiny metal armor, slow motion, and spraying owl blood, you’ll get a pretty sweet result. I was pretty impressed by this.
All around us were little kids ooohing and aahhhhing, and it was really cute. The kids were literally on the edge of their seats at times and were really quite engaged in the film. This film has enough action to keep their attention, enough frights to make kids scream, and enough feel-good stuff to make sure they aren’t terrified during scary parts.
I don’t know that I’d recommend this to everyone, but if your kids or nieces or nephews want to see it, you won’t be disappointed. It’s worth watching, especially with the 3D aspect.
Machete
After the infuriating disappointment of The Expendables, I tried to scale back my anticipation of Machete. I saw the previews for both about the same time and thought these were going to be the two best films of 2010. The Expendables let me down in a serious way, but Machete did NOT. Thank you, Danny Trejo.
Here’s the plot, not that it even matters. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale who is able to use guns, but prefers machetes and chopping people’s body parts off. The bad guy (Steven Seagal)(who I’ll remind you is NOT Mexican) is in charge of all the criminal activity in Mexico, including controlling the federales. Seagal kills Machete’s wife and Machete heads to Texas to forget his past and find work. Someone hires him to kill a senator (played by Robert DeNiro), but as it turns out, Seagal is behind it all. The legend of Machete is known throughout the Mexican immigrant population and he eventually teams up with a female vigilante named She (played by Michelle Rodriguez). I’ll leave the plot at that, so I don’t ruin anything for you.
Keep in mind this film is shot like Grindhouse and From Dusk To Dawn. It’s gritty and intentionally cheesy and fun, but it’s also graphic. You’ll crack up, even though there is a guy on the screen chopping people down like foliage in the jungle.
Here are a couple of side notes that should convince you to go see this film. Cheech Marin plays Machete’s brother – a priest in Texas that totes some serious shotgun action. Jeff Fahey plays Deniro’s assistant, and is the one who accidentally hires Machete to kill the senator. Lindsay Lohan plays Fahey’s daughter – a meth-head tramp whom daddy has to cover for all the time. Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is still loyal to the immigrant cause that she fights against. Don Johnson is a vigilante border patrol guy who is buddy buddy with DeNiro, so he’s allowed to drive the fences and shoot immigrants. Great appearances by some well-known (I ALMOST said “good”) actors who clearly enjoy their roles in this amazing film.
The opening scene of this film sets the stage for what you’re going to see for the next hour or so: Danny Trejo chopping criminals with a machete while trying to save a girl. The girl turns out to be working for Seagal, but Machete finds out too late. There’s blood everywhere and slow motion chopping and splattering. Overall, I’d give the action in this film a super thumbs up, especially for creativity. Machete puts a bunch of blades on a weed whacker and does some killing. Then he puts a bunch of scalpels on a bedsheet and does some killing. Anything with a point on it can be used by Machete, including a corkscrew.
Then there are the ladies. There’s gratuitous and hilarious nudity in this film. What’s even more hilarious (and I heard some people don’t like) is when Machete is about to lay pipe, the music instantly switches to this 70’s porn funk – incredible, unbelievable, hilarious, and brilliant.
Yes, there are some really far fetched scenes that would never ever ever ever happen, but the fact that Robert Rodriguez pulls them off speaks volumes to both his cojones and his talent as a director. In fact, there are a couple of completely ridiculous CGI things in the film which are so outlandish I HAD to crack up instead of screaming “HORSE$H!T!!!!!” in the theater (like I usually do). Rodriguez isn’t trying to make you believe it’s real – he’s entertaining and taking the outlandish awesomeness to a new level. And he does it with a smile and a campy one liner from Danny Trejo. “Machete don’t text.”
The acting in this movie isn’t polished and flawless. I mean Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin are in this film. And SOME people have complained that the movie fizzles at the end. I don't really think it did, frankly. Seriously, a motor cycle with a giant machine gun on it isn't fizzling in my book (which no one has read).
I saw this movie with three ladies (I’m basically Machete, myself). Two LOVED it and one just didn’t get it. Yes, there’s blood, but it’s not scary monster gore. It’s done with an over-the-top flair and a wink. I know it’s still early, but I think this film is getting my vote for best film of 2010. I will see this one again in the theater and I will own it as soon as it is out on DVD. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I really was amazed by this film.
Here’s the plot, not that it even matters. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale who is able to use guns, but prefers machetes and chopping people’s body parts off. The bad guy (Steven Seagal)(who I’ll remind you is NOT Mexican) is in charge of all the criminal activity in Mexico, including controlling the federales. Seagal kills Machete’s wife and Machete heads to Texas to forget his past and find work. Someone hires him to kill a senator (played by Robert DeNiro), but as it turns out, Seagal is behind it all. The legend of Machete is known throughout the Mexican immigrant population and he eventually teams up with a female vigilante named She (played by Michelle Rodriguez). I’ll leave the plot at that, so I don’t ruin anything for you.
Keep in mind this film is shot like Grindhouse and From Dusk To Dawn. It’s gritty and intentionally cheesy and fun, but it’s also graphic. You’ll crack up, even though there is a guy on the screen chopping people down like foliage in the jungle.
Here are a couple of side notes that should convince you to go see this film. Cheech Marin plays Machete’s brother – a priest in Texas that totes some serious shotgun action. Jeff Fahey plays Deniro’s assistant, and is the one who accidentally hires Machete to kill the senator. Lindsay Lohan plays Fahey’s daughter – a meth-head tramp whom daddy has to cover for all the time. Jessica Alba plays an immigration officer who is still loyal to the immigrant cause that she fights against. Don Johnson is a vigilante border patrol guy who is buddy buddy with DeNiro, so he’s allowed to drive the fences and shoot immigrants. Great appearances by some well-known (I ALMOST said “good”) actors who clearly enjoy their roles in this amazing film.
The opening scene of this film sets the stage for what you’re going to see for the next hour or so: Danny Trejo chopping criminals with a machete while trying to save a girl. The girl turns out to be working for Seagal, but Machete finds out too late. There’s blood everywhere and slow motion chopping and splattering. Overall, I’d give the action in this film a super thumbs up, especially for creativity. Machete puts a bunch of blades on a weed whacker and does some killing. Then he puts a bunch of scalpels on a bedsheet and does some killing. Anything with a point on it can be used by Machete, including a corkscrew.
Then there are the ladies. There’s gratuitous and hilarious nudity in this film. What’s even more hilarious (and I heard some people don’t like) is when Machete is about to lay pipe, the music instantly switches to this 70’s porn funk – incredible, unbelievable, hilarious, and brilliant.
Yes, there are some really far fetched scenes that would never ever ever ever happen, but the fact that Robert Rodriguez pulls them off speaks volumes to both his cojones and his talent as a director. In fact, there are a couple of completely ridiculous CGI things in the film which are so outlandish I HAD to crack up instead of screaming “HORSE$H!T!!!!!” in the theater (like I usually do). Rodriguez isn’t trying to make you believe it’s real – he’s entertaining and taking the outlandish awesomeness to a new level. And he does it with a smile and a campy one liner from Danny Trejo. “Machete don’t text.”
The acting in this movie isn’t polished and flawless. I mean Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin are in this film. And SOME people have complained that the movie fizzles at the end. I don't really think it did, frankly. Seriously, a motor cycle with a giant machine gun on it isn't fizzling in my book (which no one has read).
I saw this movie with three ladies (I’m basically Machete, myself). Two LOVED it and one just didn’t get it. Yes, there’s blood, but it’s not scary monster gore. It’s done with an over-the-top flair and a wink. I know it’s still early, but I think this film is getting my vote for best film of 2010. I will see this one again in the theater and I will own it as soon as it is out on DVD. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I really was amazed by this film.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Expendables
When I first saw the trailer for The Expendables, I thought to myself, this film is going to be amazing and it also should have an American flag in every corner of the screen. There are tons of action heroes from the 1990s and 2000’s and they all have guns and are blowing everything in sight into small bits. What’s not to like about this film? Or so I thought.
Sylvester Stallone apparently called his buddies and begged them to be in what is sure to be the greatest gun- and explosion-fest ever known to man. He rounded up all kinds of names for this film: Jason Statham, Jet Li, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, and Eric Roberts. (There are abundant rumors as to who was asked and who turned him down, but I won’t get into that tabloid crap.) Stallone then put guns or knives in their hands (except for Mickey Rourke) and set them loose on a movie set and told them, “Blow as many things up as possible. We’ll CGI the rest of it and piece it together”. (I might have made that up, but that’s what it seems like.)
Stallone is the leader of a mercenary group of fighters who get paid to do missions the government can’t be linked to. They are hired killers and don’t ask questions. The opening scene is the Expendables taking out pirates on some sort of ocean tanker without losing a single civilian. Then, Stallone and Statham are sent to break up some cartel in South America and Stallone falls in love with some guy named Sandra, played by Giselle Itie (mean, but she honestly isn’t pretty, especially for a romantic interest). Turns out, she’s the daughter of the dictator (or Heneral, in Spanish) (yes, I know how to spell it, dingleberries) who’s taken over the island and is running drugs and weapons. The Heneral is sadly only a puppet being controlled by Eric Roberts – a really bad guy who uses Stone Cold Steve Austin as his body guard.
Stallone and Statham barely escape but the girl won’t come with them. They end up blowing up the bad guys on a dock with a sea plane, some gasoline, and a flare gun. This is why people hate our country. Sandra won’t leave her home or father, even though she’s trying to thwart his power. They hang out with Mickey Rourke, a tattoo artist who shoudln’t try to act dramatically, for a while, who apparently hasn’t finished like 4 letters on Stallone’s tattoo. Really? Stallone can’t fight his love for Sandra, so he heads back to the island. He intends for it to be alone, but his buddies join him, except for Dolph Lundgren, who has turned traitor (it isn’t a plot spoiler if it’s amazingly obvious and not a surprise, am I right?).
Stallone and his boys blow up an incredible amount of stuff and kill all kinds of people. There’s a particularly intense and loud gun that blows people in half. That part is far-fetched, but chuckle-worthy. Blood is spraying, there’s fire and explosions everywhere, and corpses are piling up. This again, is why people hate America.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
Rocky wins. Again.
Let me start by saying this movie made me angry. Legitimately furious. In fact, it ruined my night it was so terrible. I yelled (I mean LOUDLY yelled) “HORSESHIT!!!!!” or “COME ON!!!!” at last 25 times. People were outright laughing at the editing during conversations and at the awful CGI blood and crumbling buildings. I’d venture to guess the special effects crew from Megafault had a hand in this terrible piece of crap. I was so angry after this film, I was actually yelling at my friend. We left the theater and went the newly opened Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” Bar and I had to leave after less than 5 minutes because I was still livid and was having trouble keeping my mouth shut around douche bags wearing plaid shirts with snaps and drinking beer out of mason jars.
The dialogue between EVERY one of the characters was awful and contrived. None of it was believable. I’m not even sure they guy that played Heneral was Hispanic. And, I’ve seen Kindergarten drawings that were more realistic than the CGI in this film.
At one point, I was even hoping Jason Statham would take his shirt off or something so I could man-crush out a little bit, but no. He just kept reading a script that Stallone wrote for him in jr. high instead of acting. Terry Crews didn’t deliver a single line I believed and I’ve seen better acting on a Midwest car dealership commercial. Randy Couture shouldn’t speak, he should just fight – he’s REALLY good at fighting, even in this movie, he was good at fighting. But, please stop talking about your cauliflower ear. Dolph Lundgren should stick to playing Lurch on the Adams Family and Jet Li should stand up for himself and not let Stallone write racist parts for him. At least put some ridiculous martial arts in the film for him to be featured. Don’t make him whine and complain about working harder because he’s short. WTF!?!?! I’m getting angry all over again. Here, try this: take your blood pressure before this film. Then immediately following the film (don’t bother staying for the credits), take your blood pressure again and see if you can double it and add thirty to have metric blood pressure – I’ll bet you can.
Stallone should never write OR direct another film. Take his crayon away immediately. Sure, he can throw all the money he wants into being a producer, but leave the action and the CGI and the writing to the pros, my friend. This movie made ME hate America. This movie made me want to kill. Please don’t waste your time or money and allow Stallone to think you’d see another of his drain bamaged action films.
Thanks for ruining my night, Stallone...
Sylvester Stallone apparently called his buddies and begged them to be in what is sure to be the greatest gun- and explosion-fest ever known to man. He rounded up all kinds of names for this film: Jason Statham, Jet Li, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, and Eric Roberts. (There are abundant rumors as to who was asked and who turned him down, but I won’t get into that tabloid crap.) Stallone then put guns or knives in their hands (except for Mickey Rourke) and set them loose on a movie set and told them, “Blow as many things up as possible. We’ll CGI the rest of it and piece it together”. (I might have made that up, but that’s what it seems like.)
Stallone is the leader of a mercenary group of fighters who get paid to do missions the government can’t be linked to. They are hired killers and don’t ask questions. The opening scene is the Expendables taking out pirates on some sort of ocean tanker without losing a single civilian. Then, Stallone and Statham are sent to break up some cartel in South America and Stallone falls in love with some guy named Sandra, played by Giselle Itie (mean, but she honestly isn’t pretty, especially for a romantic interest). Turns out, she’s the daughter of the dictator (or Heneral, in Spanish) (yes, I know how to spell it, dingleberries) who’s taken over the island and is running drugs and weapons. The Heneral is sadly only a puppet being controlled by Eric Roberts – a really bad guy who uses Stone Cold Steve Austin as his body guard.
Stallone and Statham barely escape but the girl won’t come with them. They end up blowing up the bad guys on a dock with a sea plane, some gasoline, and a flare gun. This is why people hate our country. Sandra won’t leave her home or father, even though she’s trying to thwart his power. They hang out with Mickey Rourke, a tattoo artist who shoudln’t try to act dramatically, for a while, who apparently hasn’t finished like 4 letters on Stallone’s tattoo. Really? Stallone can’t fight his love for Sandra, so he heads back to the island. He intends for it to be alone, but his buddies join him, except for Dolph Lundgren, who has turned traitor (it isn’t a plot spoiler if it’s amazingly obvious and not a surprise, am I right?).
Stallone and his boys blow up an incredible amount of stuff and kill all kinds of people. There’s a particularly intense and loud gun that blows people in half. That part is far-fetched, but chuckle-worthy. Blood is spraying, there’s fire and explosions everywhere, and corpses are piling up. This again, is why people hate America.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
Rocky wins. Again.
Let me start by saying this movie made me angry. Legitimately furious. In fact, it ruined my night it was so terrible. I yelled (I mean LOUDLY yelled) “HORSESHIT!!!!!” or “COME ON!!!!” at last 25 times. People were outright laughing at the editing during conversations and at the awful CGI blood and crumbling buildings. I’d venture to guess the special effects crew from Megafault had a hand in this terrible piece of crap. I was so angry after this film, I was actually yelling at my friend. We left the theater and went the newly opened Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” Bar and I had to leave after less than 5 minutes because I was still livid and was having trouble keeping my mouth shut around douche bags wearing plaid shirts with snaps and drinking beer out of mason jars.
The dialogue between EVERY one of the characters was awful and contrived. None of it was believable. I’m not even sure they guy that played Heneral was Hispanic. And, I’ve seen Kindergarten drawings that were more realistic than the CGI in this film.
At one point, I was even hoping Jason Statham would take his shirt off or something so I could man-crush out a little bit, but no. He just kept reading a script that Stallone wrote for him in jr. high instead of acting. Terry Crews didn’t deliver a single line I believed and I’ve seen better acting on a Midwest car dealership commercial. Randy Couture shouldn’t speak, he should just fight – he’s REALLY good at fighting, even in this movie, he was good at fighting. But, please stop talking about your cauliflower ear. Dolph Lundgren should stick to playing Lurch on the Adams Family and Jet Li should stand up for himself and not let Stallone write racist parts for him. At least put some ridiculous martial arts in the film for him to be featured. Don’t make him whine and complain about working harder because he’s short. WTF!?!?! I’m getting angry all over again. Here, try this: take your blood pressure before this film. Then immediately following the film (don’t bother staying for the credits), take your blood pressure again and see if you can double it and add thirty to have metric blood pressure – I’ll bet you can.
Stallone should never write OR direct another film. Take his crayon away immediately. Sure, he can throw all the money he wants into being a producer, but leave the action and the CGI and the writing to the pros, my friend. This movie made ME hate America. This movie made me want to kill. Please don’t waste your time or money and allow Stallone to think you’d see another of his drain bamaged action films.
Thanks for ruining my night, Stallone...
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