In Seventh Moon, a couple is spending their honeymoon in China. The movie opens at a street festival to honor the spirits of ghost legends, and they’re checking out the activities, burning papers with wishes/prayers on them, and sampling local food and drink. They meet back up with their tour guide/driver and he drives them into the country and gets lost. Their driver goes to find help at this old creepy house and doesn’t return after an hour, so the couple goes and looks for him in the dark.
The house they stop at appears to be some sort of random slaughter house with cages for animals around the perimeter, but there is blood everywhere—turns out the animals were sacrifices to keep the spirits away. The couple gets back in the missing driver’s car and takes off, but they don’t know how they got to the slaughterhouse. Frankly, the wife is a bitch that has issue with her husband falling asleep during the multiple-hour drive and blames him for them being lost. Then she gets all smart-assed and impatient when he tries to find a radio station and has trouble translating it for her. A random human–shaped figure runs out of the woods in front of their (stolen) car and they swerve off the road and get stuck. They get unstuck and begin arguing again. She blames him for being Chinese and wanting to go to China for their honeymoon—told you she was a bitch.
They end up hitting a random person on the road and they throw the guy into the back of the (still stolen) car. They start to hear things in the woods and these pale-skinned things end up chasing them. They come across another house in the woods and go inside. The guy they hit attacks them and tries to get the couple to sacrifice themselves, or those pale-skinned creatures are going to come in and get them all. There’s lots of yelling and punching and running and darkness and suspense and bone crunching. Then it gets weird(er).
The spooky creatures hear a whispering voice that makes them leave, but makes the husband think it’s a good idea to go to find their lair. There are candles everywhere, and chanting. Then the couples’ clothes start coming off, like some creepy monster orgy. Turns out this capturing of tourists is a regular thing for Chinese monsters. Who would have known?! The husband is still needed for the sacrifice, to save his wife from the monsters. But will his sacrifice really save her? I won’t ruin it for you.
This film is very dark—and I don’t mean the humor, I mean the lighting. It made CSI look like it was filmed on a sunny day at the equator at noon. I spent several minutes reversing the film to rewatch scenes that I was unable to make out. There are long sequences of no action but heavy breathing, which I’m assuming were meant to build suspense, but ended up making the film longer and boring. The camera work is really shaky since it’s handheld (this film is from the director of The Blair Witch Project—you’d think the guy made enough money off that film to buy a tripod or something). The plot itself wasn’t clear, which was magnified exponentially by the aforementioned lighting issue and unsteady camera work. I don’t even have any suggestions as to how to make this film better (aside from brightening it a notch or two)—it’s just a lot of sub-par things compounded to make a pretty poor film. Personally, I was more scared by the trailer than the actual film—the trailer makes this film look like it will scare the hell out of you, but it didn’t even come close.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Junkie Nurse
In Junkie Nurse, a guy in medical scrubs, Eric, is driving a junked-out car around town, shooting up drugs (yes, while driving). He ends up hitting a guy who has escaped from an old folks home. He returns the old guy to the home and ends up in a job interview with the head nurse. I’m not even sure if that was planned or not. Apparently, the guy’s goal is to get into the pharmacy inventory. He ends up befriending the guy that he hit and they strike a deal to get Eric more drugs.
The nurse’s first night, one of the old people dies and he has to call the paramedics to come get the body. Eric falls asleep on the job, and wakes up and quickly types a report about the guy’s passing. He gets on the boss’s good side with this industrious attitude.
There is a crotchety old woman from Puppetmaster, who makes Eric’s life hell. She’s a not-so-old lady pretending to be old and dingy and crotchety. She doesn’t pull it off very well. Eric breaks up a fight between the old guy he’s struck a deal with and another old man, and drives him into the hood to get all stoned. The boss tries to find the old guy, but Eric has him on a field trip to the ‘hood. The old guy cancels the deal he’s got going with Eric because Eric isn’t keeping his end of the bargain. The entire facility is on lock down, but people get out all the time, which is odd.
Eric throws the old man a birthday party with booze and drugs, but it’s in the middle of the night, which I didn’t get at all. Then Eric keeps shooting up in the bathroom at night. The old guy ends up dying on Eric towards the end—but at the same time, the boss gets fired for cashing old folks’ checks and Eric gets a promotion. The residents still love Eric. Why? Because he offers to get them water at any opportune moment. Dumbest premise for a film ever, just a non-interesting chain of events that would never ever happen in a million years.
This movie is poorly acted, and poorly filmed. It’s got an awful script, most of which doesn’t make sense and is completely implausible. Just about everything in this movie angered me, not quite to the point of me yelling at the screen while watching, but close. Don’t waste your time on this film, even if it does make it to a theater—which isn’t likely.
The nurse’s first night, one of the old people dies and he has to call the paramedics to come get the body. Eric falls asleep on the job, and wakes up and quickly types a report about the guy’s passing. He gets on the boss’s good side with this industrious attitude.
There is a crotchety old woman from Puppetmaster, who makes Eric’s life hell. She’s a not-so-old lady pretending to be old and dingy and crotchety. She doesn’t pull it off very well. Eric breaks up a fight between the old guy he’s struck a deal with and another old man, and drives him into the hood to get all stoned. The boss tries to find the old guy, but Eric has him on a field trip to the ‘hood. The old guy cancels the deal he’s got going with Eric because Eric isn’t keeping his end of the bargain. The entire facility is on lock down, but people get out all the time, which is odd.
Eric throws the old man a birthday party with booze and drugs, but it’s in the middle of the night, which I didn’t get at all. Then Eric keeps shooting up in the bathroom at night. The old guy ends up dying on Eric towards the end—but at the same time, the boss gets fired for cashing old folks’ checks and Eric gets a promotion. The residents still love Eric. Why? Because he offers to get them water at any opportune moment. Dumbest premise for a film ever, just a non-interesting chain of events that would never ever happen in a million years.
This movie is poorly acted, and poorly filmed. It’s got an awful script, most of which doesn’t make sense and is completely implausible. Just about everything in this movie angered me, not quite to the point of me yelling at the screen while watching, but close. Don’t waste your time on this film, even if it does make it to a theater—which isn’t likely.
Today's Special
Today’s Special is a film about a sous chef named Samir working his way up in a fancy kitchen in NYC. He’s got his hopes set on becoming the head chef at an expansion restaurant from the one he’s currently working in. His boss has other plans.
Samir quits his job and tells coworkers he’s going to Paris to work at a fancy restaurant. He goes home to tell his parents about it and this causes his father to have a heart/panic attack from the stress. The doctor tells Samir’s dad to take it easy, so Samir offers to run his father’s restaurant. Samir tries to be the boss, but finds out it isn’t as easy as stepping into the role at a high-class restaurant.
Samir befriends a cab driver who has some experience cooking. In fact, the cabbie turns the restaurant around with his amazing Indian cooking, and the crowds are beating down the door. The father decides to sell the restaurant just as the restaurant gets a huge boost from a New York Times review.
The film is well-acted and fairly believable; however, there are TONS of opportunities for this to be a “food porn,” and it falls completely flat in that aspect. The cooking is very glossed over and not filmed well. Even a little quality lighting would have helped. You WANT there to be slow motion shots of the food, but that doesn’t appear to be the director’s MO, sadly. In fact, I heard a number of viewers mention the same thing after the film. It’s a good story with a good love story, but there’s a lot left out. The romantic portion of the movie could have been expounded on a bit (remember, this is a GUY saying this), and the pacing could have been a little better. It started strong, then got long-winded, then got good again. And the fact that the cabbie got like 10th billing was a little disappointing as well. He was the one with all the character pizzazz!
Decent film and pretty amusing, but I wished it had been better.
Samir quits his job and tells coworkers he’s going to Paris to work at a fancy restaurant. He goes home to tell his parents about it and this causes his father to have a heart/panic attack from the stress. The doctor tells Samir’s dad to take it easy, so Samir offers to run his father’s restaurant. Samir tries to be the boss, but finds out it isn’t as easy as stepping into the role at a high-class restaurant.
Samir befriends a cab driver who has some experience cooking. In fact, the cabbie turns the restaurant around with his amazing Indian cooking, and the crowds are beating down the door. The father decides to sell the restaurant just as the restaurant gets a huge boost from a New York Times review.
The film is well-acted and fairly believable; however, there are TONS of opportunities for this to be a “food porn,” and it falls completely flat in that aspect. The cooking is very glossed over and not filmed well. Even a little quality lighting would have helped. You WANT there to be slow motion shots of the food, but that doesn’t appear to be the director’s MO, sadly. In fact, I heard a number of viewers mention the same thing after the film. It’s a good story with a good love story, but there’s a lot left out. The romantic portion of the movie could have been expounded on a bit (remember, this is a GUY saying this), and the pacing could have been a little better. It started strong, then got long-winded, then got good again. And the fact that the cabbie got like 10th billing was a little disappointing as well. He was the one with all the character pizzazz!
Decent film and pretty amusing, but I wished it had been better.
King Cobra
Some scientists, are working on bio-genetically altering animals (like they do). An evil red head (Malachi from Children of the Corn) takes over the lab. The experiment goes wrong and almost everyone in the lab dies, some from the explosion, and some from the 30-foot king cobra (with a rattle in his tail for some reason) that magically appears without any explanation.
Cut to two years later (…really? That’s a long time for a giant snake not to get some notice…). The snake is on a killing spree all around town. The local doctor is leaving the town for bigger and better things and his girlfriend (the town sheriff) is trying to get him to stick around. But they both get called on by the people to stick around town and help with all these mysterious deaths. The mayor (the guy from Gremlins) knows they’ll take care of it.
Apparently all around this small town are hundreds of serpentologists who can just show up at the drop of a hat. One of those serpentologists (or herpetologists, actually) is Mr. Miagi. He doesn’t have much going on, so he rolls over to the slowly disappearing city and tries to figure out what he can do. The town is midway through a beer festival, so there’s lots of rowdies walking around all the parks with blue party cups dancing like idiots. And a hilarious cameo by Eric Estrada, who’s playing a flaming gay peg-leg-pants-wearing fifi-dog-holding boyfriend of a townsperson, does absolutely nothing for this movie at all. Does he even have street cred anymore, or influence people to buy poorly written movies? Nope.
The small town doctor is still trying to get away to the big city when they find out the only other doctor in town has been eaten by the snake. So the guy at the local gun store just starts throwing guns into the hands of anyone wearing camouflage. The mayor shuts down the beer festival. And then we find out why the cobra has a rattle—because a cobra was gene spliced with a diamond back rattlesnake to produce a super-aggressive test specimen, DUR.
The sheriff sends all kinds of people out into the woods with guns to hunt this thing. Mr. Miagi is trying to trap the thing instead of kill it, since he’s a scientist. The other people are just trying to stay alive. Sadly, I’m not sure if it’s the snake that is killing the townspeople or the terrible special effects. Ridiculous slow motion, poorly edited shots, super fake snake models that roar like lions, echo-y voices in dream sequences, and Mr. Miagi spinning around on a blurry merry-go-round—any one of these things could have killed one of the townspeople hahahaha.
This is a pretty boring movie, even as far as bio-genetically engineered giant aggressive animal movies go. There’s nothing you aren’t expecting, no plot twists, and pretty awful acting. Don’t bother with this one. It isn’t going to change anyone’s life and now my eyes hurt from rolling them so much…I should have grabbed that 40 of King Cobra beer to make this one more palatable. It couldn’t hurt.
Cut to two years later (…really? That’s a long time for a giant snake not to get some notice…). The snake is on a killing spree all around town. The local doctor is leaving the town for bigger and better things and his girlfriend (the town sheriff) is trying to get him to stick around. But they both get called on by the people to stick around town and help with all these mysterious deaths. The mayor (the guy from Gremlins) knows they’ll take care of it.
Apparently all around this small town are hundreds of serpentologists who can just show up at the drop of a hat. One of those serpentologists (or herpetologists, actually) is Mr. Miagi. He doesn’t have much going on, so he rolls over to the slowly disappearing city and tries to figure out what he can do. The town is midway through a beer festival, so there’s lots of rowdies walking around all the parks with blue party cups dancing like idiots. And a hilarious cameo by Eric Estrada, who’s playing a flaming gay peg-leg-pants-wearing fifi-dog-holding boyfriend of a townsperson, does absolutely nothing for this movie at all. Does he even have street cred anymore, or influence people to buy poorly written movies? Nope.
The small town doctor is still trying to get away to the big city when they find out the only other doctor in town has been eaten by the snake. So the guy at the local gun store just starts throwing guns into the hands of anyone wearing camouflage. The mayor shuts down the beer festival. And then we find out why the cobra has a rattle—because a cobra was gene spliced with a diamond back rattlesnake to produce a super-aggressive test specimen, DUR.
The sheriff sends all kinds of people out into the woods with guns to hunt this thing. Mr. Miagi is trying to trap the thing instead of kill it, since he’s a scientist. The other people are just trying to stay alive. Sadly, I’m not sure if it’s the snake that is killing the townspeople or the terrible special effects. Ridiculous slow motion, poorly edited shots, super fake snake models that roar like lions, echo-y voices in dream sequences, and Mr. Miagi spinning around on a blurry merry-go-round—any one of these things could have killed one of the townspeople hahahaha.
This is a pretty boring movie, even as far as bio-genetically engineered giant aggressive animal movies go. There’s nothing you aren’t expecting, no plot twists, and pretty awful acting. Don’t bother with this one. It isn’t going to change anyone’s life and now my eyes hurt from rolling them so much…I should have grabbed that 40 of King Cobra beer to make this one more palatable. It couldn’t hurt.
Robogeisha
Robogeisha starts with a guy running for the office of prime minister. His assistant comes in and tells him if he doesn’t withdraw from the election, his life will be forfeit. The future prime minister pledges his love to a dancing geisha who’s singing about baseball. He cops a feel on his lady friend and she freaks out and splits in half. Literally splits in half, and two scantily clad Japanese Goblins emerge from inside her. I can tell right away this movie is going to be awesome.
The robot girl leads the representative away from the ensuing martial arts extravaganza and a circular saw blade pops out of her mouth. Meanwhile, in the martial arts fray, the lady goblins fire ninja stars out of their asses—I’m not kidding—and kill the representatives assistant. Circular-saw-robot is interrupted by Robogeisha, who saves the representative from certain doom.
Flashback to Robogeisha’s childhood and we see her older sister is a fancy geisha. Robogeisha’s name used to be Yoshie, and she’s never going to be hot enough to be a geisha like her sister. Yoshie catches the eye of the president of a steel company. He sees that she has something special and invites her to dinner. They are attacked in the woods and Yoshie defends the guy, then runs away. The guy calls forth the previously seen lady goblins who spray the attacker with “hell’s breastmilk”—this seems to be acid sprayed from their breasts. It isn’t getting any more normal-sounding, is it?
Yoshie is recruited to be in the steel company’s secret military project where they’re making assassin geishas. Yoshie has to fight her sister to join the team, and they both end up being recruits. As they progress through their training, they are given special robotic cyborg-type “enhancements.” The two sisters are sent on a mission to prove themselves in the field, and the older sister gets hurt. However, Yoshie keeps moving up in the ranks and becomes a great assassin.
Yoshie fails at the mission but is given more chances. She is sent by the steel company to break up a troublesome ring of old folks. Yoshie finds out the old people are simply meeting to try to get their captured daughters back from the steel company. Yoshie knows many of their daughters and granddaughters, and tries to figure out a way to return the ladies to their families.
The film is done by the same people that did Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police, so there are some pretty hilarious fight scenes in this film, many of them involving ridiculous weapons sprouting from all sorts of places on ladies’ bodies. It’s quite amazing and now I’m worried I will have REALLY messed up dreams. The special effects in this film are really awful, but in that comical way that makes you hope to see more. There are some outlandish costumes and plot twists, but the movie is amusing. This might be a good one to watch with a group, since people won’t believe you when you tell them everything that happens in this movie.
The robot girl leads the representative away from the ensuing martial arts extravaganza and a circular saw blade pops out of her mouth. Meanwhile, in the martial arts fray, the lady goblins fire ninja stars out of their asses—I’m not kidding—and kill the representatives assistant. Circular-saw-robot is interrupted by Robogeisha, who saves the representative from certain doom.
Flashback to Robogeisha’s childhood and we see her older sister is a fancy geisha. Robogeisha’s name used to be Yoshie, and she’s never going to be hot enough to be a geisha like her sister. Yoshie catches the eye of the president of a steel company. He sees that she has something special and invites her to dinner. They are attacked in the woods and Yoshie defends the guy, then runs away. The guy calls forth the previously seen lady goblins who spray the attacker with “hell’s breastmilk”—this seems to be acid sprayed from their breasts. It isn’t getting any more normal-sounding, is it?
Yoshie is recruited to be in the steel company’s secret military project where they’re making assassin geishas. Yoshie has to fight her sister to join the team, and they both end up being recruits. As they progress through their training, they are given special robotic cyborg-type “enhancements.” The two sisters are sent on a mission to prove themselves in the field, and the older sister gets hurt. However, Yoshie keeps moving up in the ranks and becomes a great assassin.
Yoshie fails at the mission but is given more chances. She is sent by the steel company to break up a troublesome ring of old folks. Yoshie finds out the old people are simply meeting to try to get their captured daughters back from the steel company. Yoshie knows many of their daughters and granddaughters, and tries to figure out a way to return the ladies to their families.
The film is done by the same people that did Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police, so there are some pretty hilarious fight scenes in this film, many of them involving ridiculous weapons sprouting from all sorts of places on ladies’ bodies. It’s quite amazing and now I’m worried I will have REALLY messed up dreams. The special effects in this film are really awful, but in that comical way that makes you hope to see more. There are some outlandish costumes and plot twists, but the movie is amusing. This might be a good one to watch with a group, since people won’t believe you when you tell them everything that happens in this movie.
The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine
Yeah, this title got your attention too, didn’t it? I bought this film in hopes that it would stand up to scrutiny from my friends at Valentine’s Day-themed Bad Movie Night. However, it ended up with three strikes against it: 1) It’s subtitled and my friends hate to read while looking at gratuitous nudity; 2) It’s Italian, which means it makes no sense, despite seeing loads of gratuitous nudity; 3) It’s one of the worst plots ever, sadly not redeemed by gratuitous nudity.
The movie starts out with a man on the run from the Spanish Inquisition (I know, right? NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!). The heretic is shot and falls off his horse, but it must not have been a big deal since he somehow finds the power to defeat trained soldiers in a sword fight. The heretic, Esteban, heads to a nearby convent which we find out is the convent his lover is being held at to keep them from marrying each other.
The verger (butler/handyman) for the convent finds a hiding spot for Esteban and tries to bring him back to good health; apparently, making out with your lover who’s about to become a nun helps. Random punishments and stretchings are common at this convent and all are done topless—because, why wouldn’t you? Fortunately for us, all of the old lady nuns keep their clothes on during these beatings. The girlfriend, Lucita, is accused of harboring her lover—and also murder, after her lesbian roommate is discovered dead in the hallway. She’s tortured (topless, of course) and eventually confesses. That’s how interrogation worked back in the day.
Things get really crazy at this point. The Head Abbess ends up being Satan in a habit. People start dying left and right. Then some people are just rumored to be dead. The head inquisitor orders the convent sealed up with cement so the nuns (really quickly) go crazy with hunger, thirst, and lesbianism, after they paint a picture of Lucifer with a large member on the convent wall— it’s weird how that happens. Hahaha.
The film is decently acted, but the sets are terrible, and the plot is pretty ridiculous. Despite there being plenty of topless and pointless activity, it isn’t “hot” at all. It isn’t even interesting, in fact. I probably would have ranked it higher if I hadn’t seen the film—the title alone is enough to make my own thoughts far more perverse than what they actually show in the film. This movie was made in the 1970s and that explains a lot, but I set my expectations far too high with this one. I won’t be showing it at Bad Movie Night—sorry, pervs…
The movie starts out with a man on the run from the Spanish Inquisition (I know, right? NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!). The heretic is shot and falls off his horse, but it must not have been a big deal since he somehow finds the power to defeat trained soldiers in a sword fight. The heretic, Esteban, heads to a nearby convent which we find out is the convent his lover is being held at to keep them from marrying each other.
The verger (butler/handyman) for the convent finds a hiding spot for Esteban and tries to bring him back to good health; apparently, making out with your lover who’s about to become a nun helps. Random punishments and stretchings are common at this convent and all are done topless—because, why wouldn’t you? Fortunately for us, all of the old lady nuns keep their clothes on during these beatings. The girlfriend, Lucita, is accused of harboring her lover—and also murder, after her lesbian roommate is discovered dead in the hallway. She’s tortured (topless, of course) and eventually confesses. That’s how interrogation worked back in the day.
Things get really crazy at this point. The Head Abbess ends up being Satan in a habit. People start dying left and right. Then some people are just rumored to be dead. The head inquisitor orders the convent sealed up with cement so the nuns (really quickly) go crazy with hunger, thirst, and lesbianism, after they paint a picture of Lucifer with a large member on the convent wall— it’s weird how that happens. Hahaha.
The film is decently acted, but the sets are terrible, and the plot is pretty ridiculous. Despite there being plenty of topless and pointless activity, it isn’t “hot” at all. It isn’t even interesting, in fact. I probably would have ranked it higher if I hadn’t seen the film—the title alone is enough to make my own thoughts far more perverse than what they actually show in the film. This movie was made in the 1970s and that explains a lot, but I set my expectations far too high with this one. I won’t be showing it at Bad Movie Night—sorry, pervs…
Sharktopus
This not-based-on-a-true-story movie starts out with a shark attack on a bikini-clad co-ed. Yes, I said STARTS OUT. Brilliant. Eric Roberts is a scientist who has developed a combination of a shark and an octopus—a sharktopus, if you will. This sharktopus, named S-11, protects the girl from being eaten by a shark. Then the remote controller breaks off the sharktopus and it goes on a killing spree, targeting no one in particular.
The scientists are now trying to capture S-11 and bring him back home where he can be re-controlled. Eric Robert’s hot daughter is flirting with a young reckless scientist who’s trying to get paid all sorts of money to help out Eric Roberts. The sharktopus is on a murderous rampage in Puerta Vallarta, and a reporter has shown up to film it all and interview a local fisherman. The film crew catches some incredible footage, since they just happen to be in the right place at the right time —every time. And yes, the sharktopus attacks are as hilarious as you think they would be. Ever since I heard about this movie concept, I’ve dreamed about sharktopus attacks, and the ones on the film are pretty close to my scotch-induced dreams.
The sharktopus can walk on land using his tentacles, and walks all over. Just when people think they’re safe, the thing walks onto the shore and snaps them in two. The scientists are trying to hit the sharktopus with a tranquilizer gun so they can reestablish a remote control device on it and bring it home, but obviously the sharktopus isn’t having it. Anger the sharktopus, you get bit —maybe I’ll put that on my headstone when I die. The tranquilizer is in limited supply, so the scientists end up wasting all of it. The nerd and the vigilante scientist are just about fall in love when the tough guy is sent to finish off the sharktopus. They’ve given up on taking it alive—they just need to destroy it at this point.
The CGI (which is everything involving the sharktopus) is quite awful in this film. It is actually does approach the point where it’s comical, but doesn’t quite make it there. It simply remains in the embarrassingly annoying stage—which is unfortunate. The plot isn’t anything special, but at least was linear enough to base a decent movie around. Sadly, it wasn’t paced well and didn’t have me waiting for the climax of the movie. I was just waiting for it to be over so I could find something else to do. I had high hopes for Sharktopus making it to bad movie night, but I don’t think the action in the entire film is going to hold our attention.
The scientists are now trying to capture S-11 and bring him back home where he can be re-controlled. Eric Robert’s hot daughter is flirting with a young reckless scientist who’s trying to get paid all sorts of money to help out Eric Roberts. The sharktopus is on a murderous rampage in Puerta Vallarta, and a reporter has shown up to film it all and interview a local fisherman. The film crew catches some incredible footage, since they just happen to be in the right place at the right time —every time. And yes, the sharktopus attacks are as hilarious as you think they would be. Ever since I heard about this movie concept, I’ve dreamed about sharktopus attacks, and the ones on the film are pretty close to my scotch-induced dreams.
The sharktopus can walk on land using his tentacles, and walks all over. Just when people think they’re safe, the thing walks onto the shore and snaps them in two. The scientists are trying to hit the sharktopus with a tranquilizer gun so they can reestablish a remote control device on it and bring it home, but obviously the sharktopus isn’t having it. Anger the sharktopus, you get bit —maybe I’ll put that on my headstone when I die. The tranquilizer is in limited supply, so the scientists end up wasting all of it. The nerd and the vigilante scientist are just about fall in love when the tough guy is sent to finish off the sharktopus. They’ve given up on taking it alive—they just need to destroy it at this point.
The CGI (which is everything involving the sharktopus) is quite awful in this film. It is actually does approach the point where it’s comical, but doesn’t quite make it there. It simply remains in the embarrassingly annoying stage—which is unfortunate. The plot isn’t anything special, but at least was linear enough to base a decent movie around. Sadly, it wasn’t paced well and didn’t have me waiting for the climax of the movie. I was just waiting for it to be over so I could find something else to do. I had high hopes for Sharktopus making it to bad movie night, but I don’t think the action in the entire film is going to hold our attention.
The Troll Hunter
In this Norwegian homage (I think) to The Blair Witch Project, a set of video recordings shows up at a film studio anonymously. It shows footage from an amateur film crew from a college in Norway following Hans, a Norwegian troll hunter. Like Blair Witch, it is all handheld shots, with long sequences of running, screaming, and mysterious sounds. However, this film has TROLLS instead of a “witch.”
Knowing full well that this film was all handheld, I got smart and took Dramamine before going to the theater—yes, I’m dead serious. Normally, I’d just close my eyes for 95% of the film like I did with The Wrestler, but this film has subtitles that I’d have to read to understand the storyline. We also ended up getting the second to the front row of the theater, which doesn’t help the motion-sickness I’m afflicted with.
Norway has been seeing a lot of bear attacks recently. There’s a guy in a Range Rover that always seems to be around whenever these bear attacks show up. The national bear hunters (yes, the bear population in Norway is regulated by the government) don’t know who he is, so they are all suspicious of him, especially since he keeps to himself and only goes out at night. They think he’s a poacher. There is a college news reporter, a cameraman, and an audio girl that interview the hunters and try to get an interview with the mysterious lone hunter. The lone hunter refuses, so the film crew follows him. A LONG way.
The crew finds the hunter (Hans) and follow him into the woods one night. They hear all kinds of strange sounds and see flashing lights. Then, the hunter bursts out of the woods right in front of them and yells, “TROLL!!!!” The crew and hunter have a discussion about whether trolls are real, and the fact that the crew’s car is flattened and mangled seems to lend some heavy weight to the “Fact” side of the argument.
In effect, the government has hired Hans to keep an eye on the troll population, who have been in Norway since the dawn of time. If the trolls venture out of their assigned region, the Troll Hunter is called to destroy the troll. UV light makes them either turn to stone or explode (depending on the age of the troll). The whole thing is covered up by blaming it on bears, and, in some cases, planting evidence, which the DNR representative has to explain away in public statement. All sorts of fairy tales and legends are proven and disproven for the film crew as they follow the Troll Hunter from region to region. Some trolls appear to be 10 feet tall, and some are as large as mountains.
The suspense in the movie is pretty solid. The film does a great job of using the lighting and sounds to its advantage. The CGI in the film leaves a lot to be desired, but probably works better since the cameras are all handheld (probably a nightmare to work with in combining digital and handheld footage—so kudos to the editors for that part). The actors in the film are rumored to be popular Norwegian comedians, so there’s a bit of fun in the movie. Nothing slapstick or outright comical, but there are parts where glances at the college kids’ cameras are caught and lend a lighter atmosphere of this pretty dark film. Despite the super nausea-inducing camera work (including REALLY long scenes of running and simple lack of action) and the non-professional CGI trolls thrown in, this movie was quite good. I don’t think I’d rave about it, but I would recommend it to most people. There isn’t a lot of gore, but the suspense is high, even when reading text from the screen and trying to follow the action in your peripheral vision so you don’t throw up.
And I will warn you in advance, a lot of the trailers contain a serious amount of spoilers, so keep that in mind.
Knowing full well that this film was all handheld, I got smart and took Dramamine before going to the theater—yes, I’m dead serious. Normally, I’d just close my eyes for 95% of the film like I did with The Wrestler, but this film has subtitles that I’d have to read to understand the storyline. We also ended up getting the second to the front row of the theater, which doesn’t help the motion-sickness I’m afflicted with.
Norway has been seeing a lot of bear attacks recently. There’s a guy in a Range Rover that always seems to be around whenever these bear attacks show up. The national bear hunters (yes, the bear population in Norway is regulated by the government) don’t know who he is, so they are all suspicious of him, especially since he keeps to himself and only goes out at night. They think he’s a poacher. There is a college news reporter, a cameraman, and an audio girl that interview the hunters and try to get an interview with the mysterious lone hunter. The lone hunter refuses, so the film crew follows him. A LONG way.
The crew finds the hunter (Hans) and follow him into the woods one night. They hear all kinds of strange sounds and see flashing lights. Then, the hunter bursts out of the woods right in front of them and yells, “TROLL!!!!” The crew and hunter have a discussion about whether trolls are real, and the fact that the crew’s car is flattened and mangled seems to lend some heavy weight to the “Fact” side of the argument.
In effect, the government has hired Hans to keep an eye on the troll population, who have been in Norway since the dawn of time. If the trolls venture out of their assigned region, the Troll Hunter is called to destroy the troll. UV light makes them either turn to stone or explode (depending on the age of the troll). The whole thing is covered up by blaming it on bears, and, in some cases, planting evidence, which the DNR representative has to explain away in public statement. All sorts of fairy tales and legends are proven and disproven for the film crew as they follow the Troll Hunter from region to region. Some trolls appear to be 10 feet tall, and some are as large as mountains.
The suspense in the movie is pretty solid. The film does a great job of using the lighting and sounds to its advantage. The CGI in the film leaves a lot to be desired, but probably works better since the cameras are all handheld (probably a nightmare to work with in combining digital and handheld footage—so kudos to the editors for that part). The actors in the film are rumored to be popular Norwegian comedians, so there’s a bit of fun in the movie. Nothing slapstick or outright comical, but there are parts where glances at the college kids’ cameras are caught and lend a lighter atmosphere of this pretty dark film. Despite the super nausea-inducing camera work (including REALLY long scenes of running and simple lack of action) and the non-professional CGI trolls thrown in, this movie was quite good. I don’t think I’d rave about it, but I would recommend it to most people. There isn’t a lot of gore, but the suspense is high, even when reading text from the screen and trying to follow the action in your peripheral vision so you don’t throw up.
And I will warn you in advance, a lot of the trailers contain a serious amount of spoilers, so keep that in mind.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Disco Girls in Hot Skin 3D
I would try to explain to you how 3D pornography blurs the line between awesome and horrific, as well as disgusting and hilarious, but I can’t. Suffice it to say, it isn’t arousing. It wasn’t arousing in the 70’s and watching a movie from the 70’s in the 2010’s STILL isn’t arousing. However, watching adult films with 100 other people in a large mainstream theater IS pretty awesome. This isn’t the first 3D "blue movie" I’ve watched with a large crowd of people, sadly.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Zombie Strippers
This movie is exactly like what you’d expect it to be from the title. Add in the fact that Jenna Jameson is one of the main stars of the film, and you know you’re in for a clothing-minimal zombie movie. Add in Robert Englund (of Freddy Krueger fame) and you’ve just taken that zombie film to a new low-budget level.
Even though you don’t care about the plot, I’ll give it to you anyway. The government is developing some sort of virus that reanimates flesh. They planned to use it as a military weapon once they perfected it. They have a couple of loose zombies locked up in a facility of some sort and they send in a team of commandos to eradicate them. One of the commandos gets bitten and then runs away – to a strip club.
The infected guy bites Jenna Jameson (after her way-too-long dance routine) and turns her into a zombie. Yes, a zombie stripper. She comes back out on stage and does a zombie dance that gets all the guys in the place riled up. Then she takes a fan backstage and eats him. Robert Englund is the owner of the illegal strip club and figures he can capitalize on the zombie stripper since it’s bringing in money. The other girls see how well Jenna is doing with the cash and ask to get bitten as well. Soon, there’s a hoard (or whore-d) of zombie strippers – which subsequently brings in more fresh meat for the strippers to eat (and turn into more zombies). The extra zombies are then locked up in the basement.
The film is absolutely terrible when it comes to acting and special effects. They spent all their money on acquiring Jenna Jameson (who I’m SURE is expensive) and Robert Englund (who probably just needed a few dollars to eat, since he’s not doing much these days – and clearly isn’t taking any acting lessons in his free time). The special effects were really poorly done and the CGI they added enraged me at first, then amused me, then went quickly back into enraging me. It was terrible.
The plot itself is, yes, ridiculous, but they could have at least made it funny (and possibly took out some of the non-funny racist jokes which are everywhere). This would have been the perfect opportunity to make a REALLY funny zombie movie, and they blew it. Speaking of blowing, there were faaaaaaaaar too many stripping scenes. I actually said out loud, “I wish there were more zombie parts and less stripper parts” more than once. It was really quite boring during these parts and I wished they had hurried up. Yes, the first time was fine to set the stage with Jenna Jameson. Whatever - she doesn’t interest me, but you can’t have a movie called Zombie Strippers, unless there are actually strippers.
I will say this, it appears the strippers used in this movie are actually having fun dancing as zombies. There’s an energy on film that you can tell they had a good time when they weren’t required to speak and were wearing hilarious blood and latex fake wounds while gyrating to increasingly awesome music. For example, the music started with pretty odd (but standard) house techno whore-dancing music. By the end of the film, it turned into pretty awesome metal and hardcore breakdown-infused awesomeness. (I now hope there is a soundtrack available for this film…)
Depending on your persuasion, you’ll be amused at the numerous political messages about George W. Bush, Jenna Bush, and the NRA, including Robert Englund’s comment “The second Amendment says I have the right to own guns, not that I have to know how to use them.” Worth a chuckle at least.
Yes, this movie is filled with tons of gratuitous TNA, but eventually, it’s dancing corpses as the bodies look worse and worse. But if you’re watching this film, you’re probably not all that hopeful for an awesome plot nor top-notch acting. It’s probably funnier in theory and concept than it is entertaining. If you see it on sale somewhere with a serious discount, consider picking up a copy.
Even though you don’t care about the plot, I’ll give it to you anyway. The government is developing some sort of virus that reanimates flesh. They planned to use it as a military weapon once they perfected it. They have a couple of loose zombies locked up in a facility of some sort and they send in a team of commandos to eradicate them. One of the commandos gets bitten and then runs away – to a strip club.
The infected guy bites Jenna Jameson (after her way-too-long dance routine) and turns her into a zombie. Yes, a zombie stripper. She comes back out on stage and does a zombie dance that gets all the guys in the place riled up. Then she takes a fan backstage and eats him. Robert Englund is the owner of the illegal strip club and figures he can capitalize on the zombie stripper since it’s bringing in money. The other girls see how well Jenna is doing with the cash and ask to get bitten as well. Soon, there’s a hoard (or whore-d) of zombie strippers – which subsequently brings in more fresh meat for the strippers to eat (and turn into more zombies). The extra zombies are then locked up in the basement.
The film is absolutely terrible when it comes to acting and special effects. They spent all their money on acquiring Jenna Jameson (who I’m SURE is expensive) and Robert Englund (who probably just needed a few dollars to eat, since he’s not doing much these days – and clearly isn’t taking any acting lessons in his free time). The special effects were really poorly done and the CGI they added enraged me at first, then amused me, then went quickly back into enraging me. It was terrible.
The plot itself is, yes, ridiculous, but they could have at least made it funny (and possibly took out some of the non-funny racist jokes which are everywhere). This would have been the perfect opportunity to make a REALLY funny zombie movie, and they blew it. Speaking of blowing, there were faaaaaaaaar too many stripping scenes. I actually said out loud, “I wish there were more zombie parts and less stripper parts” more than once. It was really quite boring during these parts and I wished they had hurried up. Yes, the first time was fine to set the stage with Jenna Jameson. Whatever - she doesn’t interest me, but you can’t have a movie called Zombie Strippers, unless there are actually strippers.
I will say this, it appears the strippers used in this movie are actually having fun dancing as zombies. There’s an energy on film that you can tell they had a good time when they weren’t required to speak and were wearing hilarious blood and latex fake wounds while gyrating to increasingly awesome music. For example, the music started with pretty odd (but standard) house techno whore-dancing music. By the end of the film, it turned into pretty awesome metal and hardcore breakdown-infused awesomeness. (I now hope there is a soundtrack available for this film…)
Depending on your persuasion, you’ll be amused at the numerous political messages about George W. Bush, Jenna Bush, and the NRA, including Robert Englund’s comment “The second Amendment says I have the right to own guns, not that I have to know how to use them.” Worth a chuckle at least.
Yes, this movie is filled with tons of gratuitous TNA, but eventually, it’s dancing corpses as the bodies look worse and worse. But if you’re watching this film, you’re probably not all that hopeful for an awesome plot nor top-notch acting. It’s probably funnier in theory and concept than it is entertaining. If you see it on sale somewhere with a serious discount, consider picking up a copy.
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