The Room

Some friends recommended this film since they know I love terrible movies. I’m soooo glad they did. This is one of the most painful movies ever. This is the case where a random nobody (Tommy Wiseau) has too much money and decides to write direct, and film his own movie starring himself (as Johnny) and his terrible friend actors. He also shows himself naked and flexing as much as possible. In the film, the guy is going to marry his fiancé, but she’s cheating on him with his best friend. I can’t even explain all the horrible things that happen in this film. I’ll try though:

• There’s a creepy 15-year-old kid that climbs in bed with the couple during sexy time
• The creepy kid always has a football, but seriously has no business with a football
• You shouldn’t play football in a small brick room, or on a roof, or standing right next to each other in a park, while wearing tuxes, or while jogging for exercise and guy-wrestling in a completely “non”-ghey way
• The creepy kid apparently has issues with a local drug dealin’ thug who throws him around and puts a gun to the creepy kid’s head, and sadly is the most believable actor in the film
• The actor/director/producer doesn’t speak English well and has to overdub his own voice, but it sounds a drunkenly stupid as you’d expect. Oddly, Wikipedia says he's American, but I've seen people straight off the boat who have a more intelligible accent than this guy
• The bride’s mother is a terrible actor who gives the worst life lessons about manipulating men for money
• Johnny laughs after almost every line he says
• Tommy Wiseau just got a green screen and uses it for rooftop camera angles, but doesn’t really understand that when it’s windy, you can tell it’s a green screen
• Johnny mumbles during other people’s conversations like a complete moron
• Guys can have a fight in front of 25 family and friends over a girl and then be fine and laugh it off seconds later
• Guys who don’t want anything to do with engaged women say the most hilarious stupid things on the phone about needing their bodies and such
• The bride in the film has people over to talk, but only for about five seconds before she refuses to talk any more and demanding that “things will be fine”. Really, people will just pop by to talk and they will sit on the couch for less than 10 seconds and she'll say she doesn't want to talk and then throws them out
I hope to NEVER go to one of this guy's birthday parties if they're this lame, have this much mumbling, and having the host throw people out on the street for 5 minutes to get air, then back inside for cake
• Johnny gets angry when he finds out his girl is cheating and goes on this hilariously slow-paced fakey angry smashing things in the apartment rampage while mumbling incoherently
• When he puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger, somehow his friends can’t tell if he’d dead or not
• Tommy Wiseau went and got some plastic surgery between filming and filming the special feature interview where he asks himself questions. His face looks terrible before, but it looks even worse aftewards
• The music and lyrics were clearly written by some of the surviving members of El DeBarge, Color Me Badd, and the guy who wrote the R&B song in Run Ronnie Run

I’d like for everyone interested in the film industry in any way shape or form (like script writers, musicians, composers, cameramen, producers, gaffers, casting folks, directors, grips, costume designers, green screen operators, etc.) to watch this film. If it doesn’t make you scream, cry, or outright embarrassed, you should smash your dreams of being in the film industry on the rocks, because if you think this work is enjoyable or even tolerable, then I hope to never see anything you ever have the unfortunate situation of being involved in. This movie is soooo terrible, you HAVE to see it. Unfortunately, I think the main guy will think this means he’s successful and continue to make films. Better yet, make copies of this movie, so he doesn’t get the wrong impression. This movie is the second worst movie of all time, and I thank V and Jen for recommending it to me. It’s amazing.

He Died With A Falafel In His Hand

This is an Australian film, not nearly as cool as Mad Max. It starts with a guy hitting bullfrogs with a golf club. WFT? All of these guys live in one apartment room. There’s a hot girl already living there, and another hot girl moves in. Apparently everyone is behind on rent so some thugs come in demanding money. The main character tells them he’s writing for Penthouse magazine and expects his check at the end of the month. These wiccan’s have a sacrifice festival out back and two girls end up kissing and then skinheads show up and cut the roof of the building. And a decayed beef pattie falls from the ceiling. I can’t explain how weird this movie is. And I haven’t even seen a single falafel yet. There is a weird meltdown in the film where I have no idea what has happened. People come in from the rain on a motorcycle and people are crying, looking for prostitutes, and asking for sex from each other. I have no idea what’s going on. Most hilarious line in the film: “I’m sure if you concentrated, you’d be able to kill yourself better than anyone else in the world.” They get thrown out of the house and a bunch of others move into another apartment with 8 other people. This movie is REALLY long. The film takes almost two hours before you even see a falafel. Don’t bother with this film. It’s really exhausting.

Maidens of Fetish Street

The last of the group of 60’s black and white sexsploitation films I purchased. This one has even less of a point, but is even creepier. It seems to be about guys who live above nudie clubs in NYC. They’re all perverts and prowlers and stalk prostitutes, but talk to them all about how they’ve stalked them for years. Doesn’t really make all that much sense. Two things about this movie are fortunate: 1) the “actresses” in the film are normal sized ladies, not skinny. 2) it’s only 62 minutes long (about 60 minutes too long). The acting in it is terrible and the girls keep looking at the camera which is hilarious. I thought this would be … I don’t know… maybe a little more fetish-y. I was waaay wrong.

Yo-Yo Girl Cop

This is a Japanese martial arts film about an organization that trains underage assassins to do special missions. They capture this girl, Saki, and tell her she has 72 hours to do some mission which I don’t understand at a high school before her mother is found guilty. Police can’t help them out, but these secret operatives can take care of business. Turns out the cops knew her mother well and actually trained her. So Saki fights back when bullies try to be mean to her and some of the wussy kids. There’s a secret website cult established by one of the wussy kids to help the other wussy kids, but the bullies have somehow taken it over. Not sure why the police are trying to break it up, but they are. And for future reference, a yo-yo as a weapon is maybe not the best choice. (also it’s stupid) Maybe not the best Japanese film I’ve seen, but it’s certainly not the worst. I wouldn’t recommend it, because there’s a little bit of action in it, but based on other Japanese films I’ve seen, the action was pretty sparse. I had such high hopes for this film, too…

Desperate Living

This is a freaky John Waters film about a crazy mom who’s family is trying to deal with the insanity at home. She yells out the window at the neighbor kids and it’s hilarious. “Tell your mother I HATE YOU!!!!” is screamed at a 10 year old kid. Classic. Then the mom walks in on two of her really young kids playing doctor (actually innocently playing doctor) and she screams at the 7 year old girl “You could be pregnant!!!!” The husband tries to give her a sedative and she lashes out and calls the housekeeper to come help. The housekeeper (a really large African American woman smacks him around with a broom and then sits on his face to smother him to death. A cop pulls them over when they try to escape and then the cop shows them his stocking and lingerie. The cop doesn’t arrest them, but sends them to a village of freakshows (literally) called Mortville. Wrasslin Rita has one of the most amazingly horrific wrestling outfits on and then she pops some guy’s eye out of his head. WTF? And I was forced to see some of the worst nudity I ever expect to see on film. Also, I forgot how much I LOATHE Edith Massey. In fact, all of John Waters’ film have the same actors in them, so you’re stuck with them if you don’t like some of them. I can’t even explain all the weird stuff in this movie. But if you like John Waters’ films or his characters, then you’ll like this one. I’m not a huge fan, so this one didn’t win me over. Amusing though, especially the terrible overacting.

Abnormal Female

This is another black and white 60’s film that’s basically rated X. They don’t show penetration or male nudity, but they show an awful lot. And it’s hilarious because the soundtrack is mostly jazzy piano music and some clean jazz guitar. It’s like watching porn to a Peanuts cartoon soundtrack. A psychiatrist is treating two sisters who have sexual “issues”. The older sister is a sadist and loves to beat up men. The younger sister is 15 (but played by a 30 year old hard looking unsmiling woman) and sleeps with like 15-20 men per day. Then there is a man who talks his wife into a threesome and she ends up liking girls more than guys. The psychologist calls it a perversion. Way to judge, medical professional. Not worth watching, but the music is pretty hilarious.

A Shocking Moment

This is a black and white movie from the 60’s.You know, back in the days when men could treat their wives like garbage and they would lovingly wait at home all day cleaning and cooking waiting for their man to get home, if he decided to come home that night. Here’s the plot: Cliff and Mindy get married and move from Grand Rapids, Michigan (everybody point to your right palm to show where it’s at) to Los Angeles since Cliff got transferred to the company headquarters. Cliff leers at women all the time and his wife simply kicks him under the table because as a woman, you’re supposed to just deal with it. Cliff ends up sleeping with the office secretary (as does most of the office, apparently), and then works on nailing the lady across the hall who works at a terrible night club with the slowest-moving belly dancers ever. This movie is not only awful, but makes me question all of my skills with the ladies. Apparently, I’ve been doing it all wrong with the respect, consideration, and politeness thing I’ve got going.