Teeth

This is a film about a super goody-two-shoes high school girl who actively and militantly preaches abstinence. The reason she preaches is is due to the fact that her lady parts have teeth (I’m guessing because she was raised next to a nuclear power plant that is shown in as many shots as possible). Her step brother gets his finger bitten when they’re small kids playing in the wading pool out front. All of the kids make fun of her at school because of the abstinence thing, but clearly they don’t know about her fanged ‘gyna. She gets herself a boyfriend who seems cool, but then basically assaults her. For his trouble he gets his Jansen bit off. She had a gynecologist check her out and he gets his finger bit off. Apparently, it’s only when she doesn’t want to be violated that the teeth come out. She nails this random guy that asked her out some days ago with complete success, and we do eventually get to see her nekid – which is nice. When she finds out she was part of a bet, his Jansen gets bit off as well. Here mom goes into the hospital because her step-brother ignored her screams for help. So she sleeps with him to bite his Jansen off. She does and then the dog eats it – ridiculous. It’s a better movie than I thought it would be, but it’s not fantastic. Well acted, written, and directed, but there’s a reason it didn’t make a huge splash in Hollywood.

Ping Pong Playa

This is an amusing movie about a Chinese guy that thinks he’s a basketball playa (in every sense of the word). He is a freeloader from his friends and family and lives the life I can only dream about. His brother is a famous ping pong player and his mom and dad run a ping pong shop (really). The brother and mom get in a car accident and break bones people utilize in ping pong. The basketball brother is forced to teach ping pong classes to little kids. His older brother calls him a “Yellow Fonzie” since he lives in his parents’ house – hilarious. The playa starts ringing people for money at the ping pong table with the help of his grade school students and it’s hilarious. His basketball friend breaks the reality to him that he’s not a baller and never will be. Playa decides to compete in the “Golden Cock” (seriously) tournament that his brother always wins – and his dad agrees to train him. It’s a pretty ridiculous film, but I did laugh at a couple of lines in it. It’s not terrible, and it’s better than Balls of Fury. I don’t know that I would run out and buy it, but I’m not embarrassed to say I enjoyed it.

Let The Right One In

This is a vampire movie from Sweden that isn’t what I thought it would be. I really am used to vampire films being very suspenseful with some crazy jump scenes where stuff jumps out where you don’t expect it. But this isn’t one of them. I was sort of disappointed. A little boy gets a new neighbor, a girl about his age. She ends up being a vampire, but is very matter of fact about it. Her father tries to kill people and drain their blood for her, but keeps botching the exercise and eventually lets his daughter drink his blood before he dies. The girl and the boy have a puppy love relationship and she ends up moving away. It’s got good effects (minus the CGI cat scene which is borderline slapstick and should have been much scarier and well done), and the film really isn’t that gory, especially for a vampire film. I had much higher expectations. However it is a foreign film, and we all know those are a little light on plot most of the time. Too bad, Sweden. You’ll get ‘em next time.

My Name is Bruce

Alright, I’m the only lover of bad movies in the history of the planet that doesn’t like Bruce Campbell at all. I’m sorry. I respect what he’s done for the genre, but I can’t stand him or his moronic acting. This is a movie directed by Bruce Campbell about himself. He’s a low budget horror film actor who gets kidnapped by a superfan to protect his hometown of Goldlick from an evil Chinese demon. It’s the most ridiculous film ever, complete with stupid blood splattering like in all of Bruce Campbell films. The kid that captures Bruce goes after the demon himself and Bruce has to return to the town to save the kid and then nail the kid’s mom. If you like Bruce Campbell, you’ll probably like this film. If you don’t (like me), you’ll hate this movie. I’m just glad to get this one checked off my Netflix list.

The Foot Fist Way

This is a Will Farrell-endorsed movie about a Tae Kwan Do instructor. There are some hilarious one liners in this movie. He yells at his students and had one of his students hand out an ass-whoopin to an elderly lady in his class. I shouldn’t have laughed, but I totally did. The guy finds xerox copies of his wife’s boobs and ass in some papers when she had been drunk at an office party. The instructor is a creepy doosh redneck who beats up on his students. To get back at his wife, he hits on one of his students who clearly is not interested. The couple try to get back together, but when he brings his movie star hero to town for a demonstration (for which, he has to sell his Ferrari to afford), his wife sleeps with the movie star and he catches them. They break up again, but not before he pees on her in the bleachers of a school. It’s a ridiculous movie and nowhere near as funny as I would expect, even from a Will Farrell-endorsed film. Don’t bother. It doesn’t have enough one liners to sustain the thing.

The Rocker

This is basically one of those “School of Rock” movies that’s not good at all, despite featuring Dwight from the Office. While Dwight is hilarious in that setting, he doesn’t play a metal drummer very well – even a washed-up one. It’s a pretty pathetic and unbelievable film in which a high school band has one of their uncles fill in on one of their gigs. He makes things happen and they go on the road and get a record and video deal (like no one does). Dwight refuses to open up for one of his previous bands who booted him and they replace him with an Abercrombie & Fitch drummer (their term, not mine). Although, I hated the movie, I think it’s absolutely hilarious how sweaty he gets when he plays – only because I got that sweaty when I played drums. Classic. Also the amount of “Final Countdown” is classic since Gob from Arrested Development is also in the film. Dumbest ending for a movie ever. So many things happened in this movie that never happen in real life that it just angered me. Don’t watch this movie.

Cutie Honey

Hilarious Japanese fantasy film about a girl superhero (sort of). She’s a super fighter and dresses very slutty with this outfit that emphasizes her boobs. I watched it with the English overdub since it seemed even more hilarious. She fights bad guys (members of the Panther Claw gang) by the dozens and has all kinds of hilarious superhero gadgets. And she’s in her bra and underwear as often as possible. Best movie ever. And I swear to you, there’s a song where the singer uses the word “Panther Craw”. I almost peed myself. Cutie Honey joins the team of a woman cop and a reporter in fighting the evil forces of Panther Claw. She defeats all of the Panther Claw bosses and shows the Big Boss at the end that love makes the world go round. It’s not a great film, but it’s pretty amusing for a Japanese action flick.

Rude – Rudy Ray Moore

This is an awful collection of “stand up” that Rudy Ray Moore put together. It’s old footage of him in front of audiences and what’s even worse is he has overdubbed the audio track, so he had to totally make up the flow of the words and emphasis and inflection and it totally loses something in the transition. And what’s even worse than that is it’s not funny at all. In fact, the guy is a total dick to people who ask him questions from the audience. Really, I’m amazed he didn’t get punched in the face repeatedly. And his catch phrase, “I ain’t lyin’” annoys the hell out of me now. Rudy Ray Moore needs to stick to the terrible action movies he makes – that’s where the real comedy is at. I’d steer way clear of his stand up routines. I will say the extras on this dvd are pretty funny, especially the trailers for his films.

Where The wild Things Are

I’ll admit, I’m one of the only people in the world who has never read this book. Yes I understand there are very few words in it and it’s for kids, but I’ve never read it. So I really didn’t know what to expect going in when M. Giant asked me to go to it. A little boy gets into a fight with his mother when he’s being a pain in the ass. He runs away and has an imaginary adventure (or is it?). He sails to an island inhabited by these giant creatures who take him in as their king. He tries to organize things on the island so everyone is happy, but ends up pissing off one or another of them all the time. He learns some life lessons and decides to sail back home to his mother. The costumes in this film are amazing and you forget they’re costumes eventually. It was kind of like The Dark Crystal for me. They’re very realistic and have facial expressions and emotions (both positive and negative) and just want everyone to get along. Forrest Whitaker and James Gandolfini are some of the voices of the characters and, while it’s not really geared towards kids (it’s very scary at times), it’s probably a great film for people who have read the book as a child. I was undecided on the soundtrack, but I came around to liking it as well. All in all, I thought this was a really good film. I'm guessing some of you will cry in it, but I was tough. I only end up crying during movies I have no business crying in (The Fly II and Bear Cub - look them up).

House (Hausu)

This is a Japanese film that someone recommended to me because it’s REALLY messed up. And it is. School girl’s dad brings home a new mom 8 years after the mother’s death. The dad intends to bring the new GF on vacation with them and the girl freaks out and writes a letter to her aunt about the whole thing. There are these weird tunnel shots that really don’t emphasize anything, so they just confuse me – almost as much as the random garishly-painted backdrops that change from time to time. One by one, the girls begin disappearing while the creepy aunt acts creepy. One girl does use one of my favorite lines “That’s crazy talk!” Awesome. And now a piano just bit a girl’s hands off and then ate her. Now a girl is kung fu fighting a telephone and just got her head eaten by a chandelier. This film has some hilarious special effects happening too. Wow, this is a really weird movie. I don’t think I’d recommend this one, but it’s weird enough that maybe…

Pervert!

Modern day film (thankfully) that’s realllll messed up. An old farmer named Hezekiah invites his son to his house in the country to meet his new really young girlfriend and to help build a corral on his ranch. She takes every opportunity to take her top off. She grabs a bee’s nest and pours the honey all over her chest. The son moves in and get stung and is allergic – this has nothing to do with the plot. Hezekiah also considers himself an artist – he makes women out of meat – seriously, out of steaks, ground beef and bacon. Then a mechanic kicks his son into the garage (yeah, I don’t get it either, but I couldn’t believe it). The dad’s girlfriend continues to take her top off and grab the son’s junk. Between every scene in the movie, there are hilarious random clips of nekid girls. The son realizes the dad is chopping up whores and using chops of meat for his meat women. The son calls an old folks home to send a nurse out for his father and she comes out. She almost gets raped by Hezekiah so she ties him up and burns his nards with a cigarette lighter. Then she runs in the prairie with Hezekiah’s son while wearing a crocheted blue helmet – wtf? Turns’ out it’s not the dad, it’s a claymation penis who’s doing all the killing. Yeah – totally ridiculous. And then the dad rips his own heart out of his chest. Who the heck made this stupid film? (There is a part of the extras where they talk about how it wasn’t intended to be an homage to Russ Meyer, but ended up being something he’d be proud of – I can see that, now that they mention it. I’ll change my opinion on it after the fact. It just moved up my ladder of terrible movies.)

Over 18… and Ready!

I know the title of this movie makes me seem like a perv (wait until you see the next movie I’m watching – hahaha), but I only watched it because it was a double feature on the Alley Tramp DVD. It’s so much worse than Alley Tramp that I almost can’t believe it. The woman (who I am assuming is meant to be 18 – but looks like 30) is the worst actress in the world. She’s incredibly deadpan and uninteresting. This supposed 18 year old secretary wants to work in the films her boss makes – sex films. She takes nude photos of herself and the boss’ wife talks the boss into hiring her for the film. But she only wants him to hire her, so she can sleep with her too. Everyone sleeps with everyone in this film, including the African American housemaid, who is sleeping with the wife. There’s not much point to this movie.

Alley Tramp

This is a black and white film from the 1960’s which details a 15-16 year old girl (the script can’t decide which she is) accidentally sees her parents doing it, then falls in love with her third cousin and sleeps with him which then awakens her sexuality. Her dad is cheating on her mom. Her mom is cheating on her dad. And she’s spending at least one night a week at a hotel with her cousin, Phillip. Eventually, the girl comes home and overhears her mom doing some random from a bar. The guy comes into the dining room to drink a beer and she seduces him into sleeping with her. Then she can control her mom by black mailing mother into doing whatever she wants under fear of telling her dad. The psychiatrist diagnoses her with nymphomania and offers to put her in a mental hospital to cure her. The final scene is mom and dad smiling at each other saying they’ll straighten out their own lives so when she gets out of the hospital, she’ll have a normal household to come home to. Stupidest plot ever. I also hate that 30-year olds play the parts of 16-year olds.

The Girl Next Door

This is a 2007 film based on the Jack Ketchum novel (based on true events) about a girl whose parents are killed in a car accident and she and her little sister move in with their aunt. The film takes place in 1958, so it’s kind of a period film. The aunt is a terrible mother, but the kids in the neighborhood all look up to her for life lessons and such. The orphaned girl angers the aunt and gets tied up in the basement and has terrible things done to her. I’m not just talking about rape, it’s seriously disturbing to see her mutilated and the neighborhood kids all take their turns having sex with her. It’s an awful story and it’s uncomfortable to watch. The next door neighbor boy has major trouble dealing with all of it and tries to help her escape, but it doesn’t end up well for him either. Really difficult to watch due to the subject matter. It’s also difficult to watch due to the terrible acting.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Like I said, I wasn’t looking forward to watching this film, but I did so anyway. Harold and Kumar try to fly to Amsterdam so Harold can stalk his hot neighbor. Kumar brings a smokeless bong on the plane and gets caught with a bomb-like object. It gets them sent to Guantanamo Bay as terrorist and they escape. They try to find their way back to Kumar’s X-gf’s fiancé since he’s a big shot and can get them out of the trouble they’re in. It’s as moronic as the first film, and I chuckled a few times, but mostly wouldn’t wait for it to be over (especially since I fell asleep twice during this one. I’m glad I’ve checked those two off my list.

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

Apparently, I’m the only one in the northern hemisphere not to have seen this film, so I put it on Netflix two years ago – it finally made its way to the top of the list. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing this movie, but I owed it to Gerd to watch it. It was one that she quoted regularly and I never got it, which frustrated her. I can say I’ve seen it now. It’s a “buddy” movie where two guys are on a mission to eat at White Castle (also Gerd’s favorite) and a bunch of ridiculous things happen which hinder their progress. I’ve never been a big fan of drug movies mostly because if you’re not on drugs, then the movie appeals to people with a 12-14 year-old male mentality exclusively. I chuckled at a couple of scenes, but mostly, I just wanted it to be over. The CGI in it angered me, however, having Doogie Howser playing a straight guy slayed me. If you’re a 12-14 year-old male or you’re baked out of your gourd, go watch this one. If not, don’t waste your time. I will be watching the second Harold & Kumar out of obligation and I’m not happy about it.

Freaked

I got this movie based on a recommendation from a friend. It’s waaaaay out there, but it features a hilarious cast of decent actors – Bobcat Goldthwaite, Brooke Shields, Randy Quaid, Keanu Reeves, Mr. T., with cameos by Morgan Fairchild and Larry “Bud” Melman. It’s about this chemical company who makes toxic fertilizer. Since it’s been banned in the US, they have to fly it to south America to sell it. One of the locals there is using the chemical to create mutant deformed freaks and running a sideshow. The mutants ban together and try to take over the show and break free (and maybe get cured from their freakism). It’s a pretty awful movie, but there’s something fun and campy about it. I didn’t hate it, but there’s going to be a select audience for it. Plus if you like Randy Quaid, he does a hilarious job in this film.

Evil Alien Conquerors

I didn’t expect much from this movie, even so, I was terribly disappointed. To the point of anger. It’s got a guy from SNL in it and a guy from the Drew Carey Show, but of whom I find mildly amusing. However, this movie has humor in it a 12-year-old might chuckle at, but still not even laugh. If you took Coneheads (which was also stupid) and dumbed it down, you would have this movie. Two aliens are sent to Earth to destroy all beings in two days. They’re complete idiots and bumble the whole thing and end up falling in love with some girls. Their home planet sends another ambassador to destroy these two idiots since they have failed and it’s totally ridiculous. It’s overacted (even more than SNL – which is saying a lot for a Hollywood production) and just infuriating the number of idiot jokes they attempt. Don’t waste your time.