Careful

This film is like a narrated silent film (yes, I know this means it is NOT silent, but maybe more like an old-timey grainy German film) where the narrator warns people not to do anything adventurous or they will die. Don’t hold your baby while wearing a brooch or you could poke their eye out and will be forced to wear an eye patch – hilarious. Also, cut the vocal cords out of your farm animals if you live in the mountains so they can’t cause avalanches. During what I assume is the plot, one of the townspeople in the alpine village Tolzbad, Johann, proposes to a girl and his family celebrates by dancing to music, after they cover the windows with sheepskin to keep the volume down. That night, Johann has a crazy sex dream about his mother – weeeeeeird. And he keeps thinking about it – even weirder. To stop all this weird stuff he’s trying not to act out, Johann burns his own lips on a red-hot coal and then cuts his finger off. Then, he jumps off a mountain to his death. Johan’s brother gets the funeral director to sew back on the fingers to hide the fact that it was a suicide from their mother. Johann’s fiancé goes to work in the mines and his brother Grigorss hits on her. Johann’s mother then gets a marriage proposal from Grigorss’ boss, and a challenge of a duel is issued – complete with slapping of the face with gloves. Classy. However, I’ve never seen a duel where I don’t know what the objective is. It’s very off-putting. Grigorss ends up winning the duel and runs away with Johann’s fiancé to devise a plan to kill her father. Let’s see… Mother-on-son action, daughter-on-father action – what’s wrong with you, Canada?

The film was made in 1992, but shot in garish Technicolor as an old film – very crackly and grainy and with black and white printed words between scenes. The narrator’s warning is for the villagers to keep quiet, but the film is also apparently about repressing feelings, lust, and emotions. It’s very dreary, and unfortunately, a complete waste of my time. Great, now I’m feeling repressed, surly, cold, incestuous, and German. Way to wreck my evening. I’m going to need a shower.