Kunoichi: Lady Ninja opens with bad guys storming a sanctuary for women (known as a convent). Heads (and eye balls) roll – literally. Then the daughter of the original owner of the convent comes back and scares away the bad guys. The convent hires the help of paid assassins to defend the convent against further attack. Meanwhile, the remaining women train to be ninjas.
There are additional battles between the some other bad guys, who are some sort of evil warlords with magic powers, and the remaining women, complete with hokey effects and fighting. The main bad guy is capturing brides and grooms for his own sexual purposes, so the paid assassin thinks some of them should get married to lure the bad guy to them. It works and then they infiltrate the stronghold as submissive women. But they’re actually ninjas. But the bad guys refer to them as Hori women and I keep thinking they mean whore-y women. Weird. One of the bad guys has energy bullet magi and can shoot invisible bullets (an endless supply) out of his hands that blow things up. The guy winds up a major one and throws an energy ball at one of the lady ninjas. She somehow absorbs it with a glowing light from her vagina – yes, really that just happened. She throws it back at the guy and he explodes. What just happened?!
There’s more useless plot and then three of the girls get hung up on crosses as bait for the other ninjas. The monk hands out various ass whoopins (way more than the lady ninjas, in fact) and fights the bad guys in one crazy blow out at the end. Then all of their collective magic glass eyeballs combine to make a super sweet sword for which to kill lots of bad guys. Not sure why she needed a magic sword –seems like a regular sword would have done the exact same thing.
I know this movie has a handful of wildly hilarious parts in it (not to mention the really bad heavy metal soundtrack thrown in), but it just doesn’t keep your attention. In fact, I fell asleep three or four times while watching it and had to back up so I didn’t miss anything. If you fast forwarded to some funny parts, it might be worth watching, but as an entire movie, it’s kind of a dud that doesn’t make a whole lot of linear sense. Not recommended.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The Return
This Russian movie was recommended to me by a friend who likes his plots simple and direct and moving. This movie has all of these things and, despite not being all that uplifting, has even MORE than just these things. It’s about two brothers who arrive home to find their father has returned from a 12-year abandonment. They go on a fishing trip and things don’t turn out like the boys expected.
The movie starts with a group of boys jumping off a tower into the water. It’s a long way down and they all agree that if someone uses the ladder to climb down, they’re a chicken. The youngest boy, Ivan, can’t make the jump so he simply stays at the top until his mother eventually shows up. Ivan meets up with his friends who razz him because he was too scared to jump. His brother also calls him a coward and Ivan dukes him in the mouth. They then race home on foot through their small city to be the first to tell their mother on the other one. Their mother is outside and tells them their father is asleep.
They haven’t seen their father in 12 years, when he walked out on the family. There is no explanation as to why he’s returned, nor what he wants. The boys are a little leery about it, but Andrei does his best to buddy up with his father, while Ivan, extremely stubborn, does everything he can to make his dad’s life miserable. They decide to go on a short fishing trip which turns into more than any of them bargained for.
Along the way, the new dad tries to see what kind of men his kids are going to grow into. He berates them, hits them, and is generally just mean to them. However, he teaches them all kinds of street/camping/living skills along the way, so it’s not all bad. The dad is no a mission to do something, and he ever divulges what that is to the boys. They end up taking a repaired boat to an island where the dad has buried something in a small burned out house. He retrieves it from the ground and brings it back to their camp. Then things get weird.
Ivan, the stubborn one, is really upset with how he’s being treated and constantly mocks his older brother for kissing up to this guy they don’t even know if it is their father. The boys are constantly scuffling, but they seem to end up fishing and things are fine. Most of the time.
I won’t ruin the ending of this film, because it wasn’t how I expected it to end up. As I said, it’s simple, but it’s also intense. For me, the best part about this film was the scenery and camera shots. The shots of life in the city are dark, drab, and muted. Very grim and very well filtered (or whatever the director did to the shots). However, all of the ocean shots, and grassy plains shots, and the forest shots are simply brilliant. Extremely vivid colors and contrasts. This movie makes me wish I had seen it on the big screen. The copy I watched was letterbox, so you got a good perspective, but it really is visually awe-inspiring.
The movie itself goes from intense to dragging, but very appropriately, depending on the scene at the moment. It isn’t dull, but the pacing of the film is well-done. It shows boys being boys and a gruff father trying to toughen up his boys. There are some aspects of the film that are left completely unresolved, so you’ll have to deal with that. But in my own head, this allows the viewer to make up whatever he or she wants it to be. The storyteller isn’t just going to give you all of the details – he’s going to bring you in and let your imagination help you through some of it. Very well done foreign film. I’m glad I saw it.
The movie starts with a group of boys jumping off a tower into the water. It’s a long way down and they all agree that if someone uses the ladder to climb down, they’re a chicken. The youngest boy, Ivan, can’t make the jump so he simply stays at the top until his mother eventually shows up. Ivan meets up with his friends who razz him because he was too scared to jump. His brother also calls him a coward and Ivan dukes him in the mouth. They then race home on foot through their small city to be the first to tell their mother on the other one. Their mother is outside and tells them their father is asleep.
They haven’t seen their father in 12 years, when he walked out on the family. There is no explanation as to why he’s returned, nor what he wants. The boys are a little leery about it, but Andrei does his best to buddy up with his father, while Ivan, extremely stubborn, does everything he can to make his dad’s life miserable. They decide to go on a short fishing trip which turns into more than any of them bargained for.
Along the way, the new dad tries to see what kind of men his kids are going to grow into. He berates them, hits them, and is generally just mean to them. However, he teaches them all kinds of street/camping/living skills along the way, so it’s not all bad. The dad is no a mission to do something, and he ever divulges what that is to the boys. They end up taking a repaired boat to an island where the dad has buried something in a small burned out house. He retrieves it from the ground and brings it back to their camp. Then things get weird.
Ivan, the stubborn one, is really upset with how he’s being treated and constantly mocks his older brother for kissing up to this guy they don’t even know if it is their father. The boys are constantly scuffling, but they seem to end up fishing and things are fine. Most of the time.
I won’t ruin the ending of this film, because it wasn’t how I expected it to end up. As I said, it’s simple, but it’s also intense. For me, the best part about this film was the scenery and camera shots. The shots of life in the city are dark, drab, and muted. Very grim and very well filtered (or whatever the director did to the shots). However, all of the ocean shots, and grassy plains shots, and the forest shots are simply brilliant. Extremely vivid colors and contrasts. This movie makes me wish I had seen it on the big screen. The copy I watched was letterbox, so you got a good perspective, but it really is visually awe-inspiring.
The movie itself goes from intense to dragging, but very appropriately, depending on the scene at the moment. It isn’t dull, but the pacing of the film is well-done. It shows boys being boys and a gruff father trying to toughen up his boys. There are some aspects of the film that are left completely unresolved, so you’ll have to deal with that. But in my own head, this allows the viewer to make up whatever he or she wants it to be. The storyteller isn’t just going to give you all of the details – he’s going to bring you in and let your imagination help you through some of it. Very well done foreign film. I’m glad I saw it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thankskilling
This movie starts out in the “olden times” (literally, the screen says this) with a topless pilgrim running through the woods with a carnivorous turkey chasing her. Turkey comments on her “attributes” and then kills her. The turkey was cursed/possessed when a Native American was angry that the white man had begun to take over, so he vowed to kill at the white people he found – through the use of a killer turkey. Flash forward to modern days where there’s a bunch of college students heading home for thanksgiving break. Then out of nowhere (I’ll warn you in advance since my friends HATE these kinds of surprises), a dog gets killed. You guessed it – Evil Turkey comes back to life.
The college kids have a breakdown on the road and end up having to camp in the same town where this horrific first thanksgiving killing happened. And it also happens to be the anniversary of the first Thankskilling. The kids make it home alive to their respective families, but the turkey has begun its killing spree. That’s not all this evil turkey does – let’s just say he uses gravy flavored condoms. Hahaha. The college kids eventually get stuck in one of their houses with the turkey and have to find out a way to kill it.
This film is pretty awful, even for an independent horror film. The acting is atrocious and probably a bunch of friends getting together and winging it – pin intended. It’s clearly some film students having fun with buckets of blood and newly learned special effects skills. I won’t even comment on the chuckle-worthy-but-terrible sparely-used CGI (thank you for that, director Jordan Downey). It isn’t intended to be a Hollywood blockbuster, but it’s still so far from good, it’s almost painful. That being said, I’ll probably show this during my poultry-themed bad movie night around Thanksgiving. We love a good theme night!
The college kids have a breakdown on the road and end up having to camp in the same town where this horrific first thanksgiving killing happened. And it also happens to be the anniversary of the first Thankskilling. The kids make it home alive to their respective families, but the turkey has begun its killing spree. That’s not all this evil turkey does – let’s just say he uses gravy flavored condoms. Hahaha. The college kids eventually get stuck in one of their houses with the turkey and have to find out a way to kill it.
This film is pretty awful, even for an independent horror film. The acting is atrocious and probably a bunch of friends getting together and winging it – pin intended. It’s clearly some film students having fun with buckets of blood and newly learned special effects skills. I won’t even comment on the chuckle-worthy-but-terrible sparely-used CGI (thank you for that, director Jordan Downey). It isn’t intended to be a Hollywood blockbuster, but it’s still so far from good, it’s almost painful. That being said, I’ll probably show this during my poultry-themed bad movie night around Thanksgiving. We love a good theme night!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Roller Blade Seven
Roller Blade Seven is a really awful post-apocalyptic movie by this terrible director who puts roller skates, roller blades, and skateboards in a bunch of movies that are all stupid. I’m a bit confused about the plot of this movie. It’s kind of like Mad Max in that it takes place in a dessert. Which is doubly funny since it appears relatively easy to sneak up on people, despite the sever lack of any sort of obstacle or tree to hide behind and sneak up on someone. To add to this, there are miles and miles of concrete throughout the desert which makes it much easier to skate around.
Father Donaldo (the director of the film) sends a girl in an incredible hot (in the 80’s) ripped swimsuit and roller blades into the Wheel Zone with a samurai sword while he repeats ridiculous advice ad nauseum. Hawk (the producer of the film) has been summoned by Father Donaldo to go after their sister who has been captured and taken to the Wheel Zone. Rhonda Shear (amazing host of USA’s Up All Night) is some sort of security guard / gatekeeper of the Wheel Zone. She harasses this guy dressed as Elvis for not wearing skates, and then lets Hawk, a long-haired guy with a receding hairline, through without problem. Hawk fights a couple ninjas on skates and eventually catches up to his sister as she’s killed.
Hawk tries to get out of the wheel zone and is confronted by a stupid clown wielding nerf baseball bats uselessly and eventually becomes his friend. I’m unsure of how ANY of this happens since there is no dialogue during this part of the movie – only terrible music playing while various people skate around in circles and fight each other and mostly pose with swords in their hands. Simply stupid. They actually fight to banjo music, which angers me considerably.
Hawk meets up with a spirit guide and also with Karen Black (who you’d recognize since she’s been in like 200 movies, but never actually “made it”). Neither of these people serves any purpose at all, aside from feeding Hawk Psychedelic mushrooms and teaching him to roller skate. There’s a guy named Pharaoh in a lather mask and a wheel chair who is clearly a bad guy with a gravel-y voice, but it isn’t really explained what his tie is to the movie. There’s a black night that seems to be pulling some strings as well, but I don’t get his role either. Oh wait, there’s also a random guy in shorts and sports coat sitting under an umbrella in the dessert. Seriously, none of the characters are connected.
This movie would be considerably shorter if they would cut out all of the repeated scenes. Seriously, there are like 25 instant replays for almost every scene. It’s AWFUL. These people spin around and face off with each other without ever swinging their swords that they don’t know how to use. Then there’s a significant use of smiley faces throughout the movie that I can’t tell if it’s kitsch or just someone’s little kid got on the set before each shot and put these things all over the place.
This is going straight to the second worst movie ever created, on my personal list. (Nothing will ever beat out Barn of the Blood Llama – ever.) The whole thing angered me and I wanted to punch the screen out of my tv. The acting in this film is brutally painful and just infuriating. There are completely unnatural and quirky head tilts that make people look like an insect and their hand motions throughout the film are moronic. I hated every second of this film. Not even Rhonda Shear could save this film. They should have taught some of the actors to skate before putting them in a movie called Roller Blade Seven. And for that matter, there aren’t seven of ANYTHING in this film!!! What is the significance of the SEVEN!!!!! This movie makes me want to kill.
That being said, I’m going to try to make it through the sequel to this movie without punching a goat in the spleen…
Father Donaldo (the director of the film) sends a girl in an incredible hot (in the 80’s) ripped swimsuit and roller blades into the Wheel Zone with a samurai sword while he repeats ridiculous advice ad nauseum. Hawk (the producer of the film) has been summoned by Father Donaldo to go after their sister who has been captured and taken to the Wheel Zone. Rhonda Shear (amazing host of USA’s Up All Night) is some sort of security guard / gatekeeper of the Wheel Zone. She harasses this guy dressed as Elvis for not wearing skates, and then lets Hawk, a long-haired guy with a receding hairline, through without problem. Hawk fights a couple ninjas on skates and eventually catches up to his sister as she’s killed.
Hawk tries to get out of the wheel zone and is confronted by a stupid clown wielding nerf baseball bats uselessly and eventually becomes his friend. I’m unsure of how ANY of this happens since there is no dialogue during this part of the movie – only terrible music playing while various people skate around in circles and fight each other and mostly pose with swords in their hands. Simply stupid. They actually fight to banjo music, which angers me considerably.
Hawk meets up with a spirit guide and also with Karen Black (who you’d recognize since she’s been in like 200 movies, but never actually “made it”). Neither of these people serves any purpose at all, aside from feeding Hawk Psychedelic mushrooms and teaching him to roller skate. There’s a guy named Pharaoh in a lather mask and a wheel chair who is clearly a bad guy with a gravel-y voice, but it isn’t really explained what his tie is to the movie. There’s a black night that seems to be pulling some strings as well, but I don’t get his role either. Oh wait, there’s also a random guy in shorts and sports coat sitting under an umbrella in the dessert. Seriously, none of the characters are connected.
This movie would be considerably shorter if they would cut out all of the repeated scenes. Seriously, there are like 25 instant replays for almost every scene. It’s AWFUL. These people spin around and face off with each other without ever swinging their swords that they don’t know how to use. Then there’s a significant use of smiley faces throughout the movie that I can’t tell if it’s kitsch or just someone’s little kid got on the set before each shot and put these things all over the place.
This is going straight to the second worst movie ever created, on my personal list. (Nothing will ever beat out Barn of the Blood Llama – ever.) The whole thing angered me and I wanted to punch the screen out of my tv. The acting in this film is brutally painful and just infuriating. There are completely unnatural and quirky head tilts that make people look like an insect and their hand motions throughout the film are moronic. I hated every second of this film. Not even Rhonda Shear could save this film. They should have taught some of the actors to skate before putting them in a movie called Roller Blade Seven. And for that matter, there aren’t seven of ANYTHING in this film!!! What is the significance of the SEVEN!!!!! This movie makes me want to kill.
That being said, I’m going to try to make it through the sequel to this movie without punching a goat in the spleen…
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Men Who Stare At Goats
This is a story about a reporter (Ewan McGregor) who interviews who he thinks is a crazy person (played by Stephen Root) who talks about being trained by the military to stare down animals and ultimately kill them with their minds. Some sort of telepathic soldiers. The reporter doesn’t believe him (at first), but sadly, the reporter’s wife leaves the report for his editor and in a desperate move, the reporter sends himself to Iraq. He tells his x-wife he’s joined the military, but he’s on his own dime.
The reporter runs into Skip, played by George Clooney, at a restaurant and they strike up a conversation. Skip was in the army with Stephen Root and also trained in psychic warfare. He gave the background on how the pentagon funded this insane program. The army was attempting to create “warrior monks” who can pass through walls and see into the future. Jeff Bridges plays the soldier who wrote the instruction manual on psychic warfare. Clooney takes the reporter into Iraq with him so he can write a story on the Army’s program.
Skip and McGregor get captured on the way, during a conversation in which Skip spouts off all crazy-style. While in custody, some fire-fights break out and they escape and eventually get rescued by the Americans over there. The pair commandeers a car and drive into the dessert to continue their journey. There’s continual backlog to get you caught up to where we are at currently in the dessert. There was a “goat lab” in the basement of one of the military buildings – this was where they learned to kill goats with their minds.
When they crash their car again, they are rescued by the Americans that set up the psychic warriors operation and things start go get weird on the reporter. Not just weird, plain ridiculous. This is where I totally lost interest in the movie. It doesn’t wrap up nicely, it just gets frustratingly stupid.
The movie is slightly entertaining, but it’s so unrealistic that you just can’t buy what they’re trying to sell to the viewer. It’s difficult to follow for this reason and I’m thinking this is why the movie didn’t make a big splash, despite having a bunch of top-notch actors in it. Sad reality, but if the story line had been less “off the deep end” it would be a lot easier to believe…
The reporter runs into Skip, played by George Clooney, at a restaurant and they strike up a conversation. Skip was in the army with Stephen Root and also trained in psychic warfare. He gave the background on how the pentagon funded this insane program. The army was attempting to create “warrior monks” who can pass through walls and see into the future. Jeff Bridges plays the soldier who wrote the instruction manual on psychic warfare. Clooney takes the reporter into Iraq with him so he can write a story on the Army’s program.
Skip and McGregor get captured on the way, during a conversation in which Skip spouts off all crazy-style. While in custody, some fire-fights break out and they escape and eventually get rescued by the Americans over there. The pair commandeers a car and drive into the dessert to continue their journey. There’s continual backlog to get you caught up to where we are at currently in the dessert. There was a “goat lab” in the basement of one of the military buildings – this was where they learned to kill goats with their minds.
When they crash their car again, they are rescued by the Americans that set up the psychic warriors operation and things start go get weird on the reporter. Not just weird, plain ridiculous. This is where I totally lost interest in the movie. It doesn’t wrap up nicely, it just gets frustratingly stupid.
The movie is slightly entertaining, but it’s so unrealistic that you just can’t buy what they’re trying to sell to the viewer. It’s difficult to follow for this reason and I’m thinking this is why the movie didn’t make a big splash, despite having a bunch of top-notch actors in it. Sad reality, but if the story line had been less “off the deep end” it would be a lot easier to believe…
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Dynamite Warrior
Dynamite Warrior (Kon Fai Bin)– In this Thai Martial arts films, some water buffalo herders (yes, Asian cowboys) are attacked by this random masked guy – Jong Bong Fei. He’s not an ordinary cattle rustler – he shoots giant bottle rockets at them and then rides a giant bottle rocket like a surfboard into the fray to kick even more ass. All of this, painfully CGI’d to anger me. He then whips all the cowboys’ shirts off – I’m hoping he’s looking for some sort of unique tribal mark or something, rather than just being creepy.
Here’s the premise of the movie: In the early 1900s, a tractor salesman comes to Siam and tries to sell the new American invention to the poor farmers. They don’t seem interested, mostly because of the cost. The tractor salesman decides to find someone to steal everyone’s cattle to make his tractor proposition seem more appealing. A bad guy has just gotten out of prison and goes into the woods to find his henchmen. They get propositioned by one of the rich people in town who is working with the tractor salesman. The rich guy has come to offer them jobs stealing buffaloes and killing buffalo traders for a fee. The guy he gets is a huge oaf of a man who uses two thick bows to beat people down. I don’t mean arrows, I mean the actual bows are used as clubs.
Then there’s a random guy who is a cattle trader with a tattoo/brand on his chest and has some sort of magical power where he can put the spirit of animals into other people with tattoos and kind of possess them into being fighting machines. They attack the bottle rocket-shooting guy and it’s a pretty close match. The bottle rocket guy appears to be trying to stop the cattle rustling. To kill the magic guy, the cattle rustler must find the menstrual blood of a virgin born with a greater zodiac sign than the magic guy. Jong Bong Fei is the only one that can defeat the magic guy (who we find out murdered Jong’s mother and father). It gets a little confusing on who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy in this film. Eventually it gets explained, but if you’ve made it this far in the film, then you’ve already committed a lot of time to it. Cut to an EPIC battle at the end of the movie. It isn’t very often that I actually hope a movie will end sooner rather than later, but this film’s final battle seemed to go on forever.
I’m not a huge fan of Thai-style martial arts – it’s all knees and shins, rather than hands and feet (it’s very close combat and not as suited to awesome camerawork like traditional kung fu or jui jitsu. On top of the lack luster fighting style, it’s just an ok film. I don’ think I’d recommend it, but there are some hilarious bottle rocket fighting scenes. Not enough to hold your attention or really wow you, but there are a couple. And, for the record, there IS a Thai dwarf in the film, but not an obvious Thai-Lady-Boy.
You probably should watch the English dub of this as well as the subtitles (that’s my favorite way to watch kung fu movies). Apparently, all of the actors they used for the English overdub have watched too many Cheech & Chong movies since they all sound like bad impressions of those guys. It’s pretty awful.
Here’s the premise of the movie: In the early 1900s, a tractor salesman comes to Siam and tries to sell the new American invention to the poor farmers. They don’t seem interested, mostly because of the cost. The tractor salesman decides to find someone to steal everyone’s cattle to make his tractor proposition seem more appealing. A bad guy has just gotten out of prison and goes into the woods to find his henchmen. They get propositioned by one of the rich people in town who is working with the tractor salesman. The rich guy has come to offer them jobs stealing buffaloes and killing buffalo traders for a fee. The guy he gets is a huge oaf of a man who uses two thick bows to beat people down. I don’t mean arrows, I mean the actual bows are used as clubs.
Then there’s a random guy who is a cattle trader with a tattoo/brand on his chest and has some sort of magical power where he can put the spirit of animals into other people with tattoos and kind of possess them into being fighting machines. They attack the bottle rocket-shooting guy and it’s a pretty close match. The bottle rocket guy appears to be trying to stop the cattle rustling. To kill the magic guy, the cattle rustler must find the menstrual blood of a virgin born with a greater zodiac sign than the magic guy. Jong Bong Fei is the only one that can defeat the magic guy (who we find out murdered Jong’s mother and father). It gets a little confusing on who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy in this film. Eventually it gets explained, but if you’ve made it this far in the film, then you’ve already committed a lot of time to it. Cut to an EPIC battle at the end of the movie. It isn’t very often that I actually hope a movie will end sooner rather than later, but this film’s final battle seemed to go on forever.
I’m not a huge fan of Thai-style martial arts – it’s all knees and shins, rather than hands and feet (it’s very close combat and not as suited to awesome camerawork like traditional kung fu or jui jitsu. On top of the lack luster fighting style, it’s just an ok film. I don’ think I’d recommend it, but there are some hilarious bottle rocket fighting scenes. Not enough to hold your attention or really wow you, but there are a couple. And, for the record, there IS a Thai dwarf in the film, but not an obvious Thai-Lady-Boy.
You probably should watch the English dub of this as well as the subtitles (that’s my favorite way to watch kung fu movies). Apparently, all of the actors they used for the English overdub have watched too many Cheech & Chong movies since they all sound like bad impressions of those guys. It’s pretty awful.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Dead Snow
I was completely sucked in by the front of the DVD case with Dead Snow. Nazis AND Zombies? Sold! Then throw in some snow and the search for Nazi gold? How could this movie fail?
Some Norwegian medical students (not sure why they were written as med students, but whatever) are on winter break and head to a secluded cabin in Norway. A random guy shows up in the middle of the night and warns them about the Nazis that were frozen here in this area during World War II. The random guy leaves and goes off to his tent. And the zombies get him.
The zombies then show up at the cabin and attack the people inside. Some make it, some don’t. The next morning, the zombies have disappeared…. Or have they?!? These aren’t third shift zombies apparently! Then the epic and timeless battle of human vs Zombie commences for another hour.
The film is mildly amusing, with some one liners that even translate well across subtitles. The action is good and there’s lots of running and blood spraying and intestine pulling. The plot is, at the very least, unique. The effects are fairly well done and inventive (how often do you get to mount a giant machine gun to a snowmobile? Not often enough, I say!). But the film seems like it drags for a while before getting started. This film wouldn’t go over well at Bad Movie Night – it just isn’t interesting nor funny enough by the half-hour point.
Dead Snow isn’t scary enough, nor does it contain enough jump scenes. However, it does well on humor without being slapstick. And it has pretty decent gore in it. I’ve seen way better, funnier, scarier, and more graphic zombie movies. This one was just alright. I had high hopes for this film, but it seemed like the awesome concept just wasn’t executed as well as it could have been.
Some Norwegian medical students (not sure why they were written as med students, but whatever) are on winter break and head to a secluded cabin in Norway. A random guy shows up in the middle of the night and warns them about the Nazis that were frozen here in this area during World War II. The random guy leaves and goes off to his tent. And the zombies get him.
The zombies then show up at the cabin and attack the people inside. Some make it, some don’t. The next morning, the zombies have disappeared…. Or have they?!? These aren’t third shift zombies apparently! Then the epic and timeless battle of human vs Zombie commences for another hour.
The film is mildly amusing, with some one liners that even translate well across subtitles. The action is good and there’s lots of running and blood spraying and intestine pulling. The plot is, at the very least, unique. The effects are fairly well done and inventive (how often do you get to mount a giant machine gun to a snowmobile? Not often enough, I say!). But the film seems like it drags for a while before getting started. This film wouldn’t go over well at Bad Movie Night – it just isn’t interesting nor funny enough by the half-hour point.
Dead Snow isn’t scary enough, nor does it contain enough jump scenes. However, it does well on humor without being slapstick. And it has pretty decent gore in it. I’ve seen way better, funnier, scarier, and more graphic zombie movies. This one was just alright. I had high hopes for this film, but it seemed like the awesome concept just wasn’t executed as well as it could have been.
Remarkable Power!
In Remarkable Power!, late-night talk show host Jack West (played by Kevin Nealon) is found dead at the beginning of the movie. The film flashes back to explain how we got to this point. And I assure you, it’s a complex story.
Flashback – The Jack West talk show is threatened with being cancelled. West’s life is unraveling and his wife is sleeping with a baseball player. Enter Tom Arnold as a private investigator spying on Jack West’s wife. Completely unrelated (or is it?), there’s this kid who lives in Korea Town in Van Nuys—he’s got a Winger poster on the wall and is hitting a beer can pipe, so you KNOW he’s half-retarded. The kid is watching a self-help infomercial about “Remarkable Power!” being hocked by Christopher Titus. The pot kid runs across a guy from the Remarkable Power! infomercial (wearing a neck brace) and ends up in his beach house rolling a joint. The pot kid accidentally kills the infomercial guy in his own beach house. In the mean time, a girl who runs a website that shows pictures of dead people gets photos of the dead body and sends them to the kid online to freak him out. The pot kid freaks and goes to the cops, but they don’t believe him since there is no body back at the beach house. The death-picture girl sees Tom Arnold is investigating and ends up hanging out with him and sharing info.
Flashback – The story flashes back further to explain how infomercial guy got the neck brace, and how the infomercial guy got tied up with some Russian mobsters (because he owed money to his Jewish drug dealer) (I TOLD you it was convoluted).
Flashforward a little bit – On Jack West’s last show, he brings on the guy who’s sleeping with his wife. The baseball player kills Jack West, like we saw at the beginning. The cops mistakenly think the Jewish drug dealer killed the infomercial guy. The end of this film had quite a twist that I wasn’t expecting, and ended up being pretty decent (though a bit convoluted).
In this who-dunnit film, there is some amusing character development that almost reminds me of a non-committal guy-head-nod to Tarantino. The characters are slightly over the top, but are believable in most cases. Yes, there are some unfortunate bystanders who get shot or beat up, but, all in all, the story wraps itself into a little knot that turns into a pretty bow at the conclusion of the film. I liked this one for its complexity and uncomfortable laugh scenes.
Flashback – The Jack West talk show is threatened with being cancelled. West’s life is unraveling and his wife is sleeping with a baseball player. Enter Tom Arnold as a private investigator spying on Jack West’s wife. Completely unrelated (or is it?), there’s this kid who lives in Korea Town in Van Nuys—he’s got a Winger poster on the wall and is hitting a beer can pipe, so you KNOW he’s half-retarded. The kid is watching a self-help infomercial about “Remarkable Power!” being hocked by Christopher Titus. The pot kid runs across a guy from the Remarkable Power! infomercial (wearing a neck brace) and ends up in his beach house rolling a joint. The pot kid accidentally kills the infomercial guy in his own beach house. In the mean time, a girl who runs a website that shows pictures of dead people gets photos of the dead body and sends them to the kid online to freak him out. The pot kid freaks and goes to the cops, but they don’t believe him since there is no body back at the beach house. The death-picture girl sees Tom Arnold is investigating and ends up hanging out with him and sharing info.
Flashback – The story flashes back further to explain how infomercial guy got the neck brace, and how the infomercial guy got tied up with some Russian mobsters (because he owed money to his Jewish drug dealer) (I TOLD you it was convoluted).
Flashforward a little bit – On Jack West’s last show, he brings on the guy who’s sleeping with his wife. The baseball player kills Jack West, like we saw at the beginning. The cops mistakenly think the Jewish drug dealer killed the infomercial guy. The end of this film had quite a twist that I wasn’t expecting, and ended up being pretty decent (though a bit convoluted).
In this who-dunnit film, there is some amusing character development that almost reminds me of a non-committal guy-head-nod to Tarantino. The characters are slightly over the top, but are believable in most cases. Yes, there are some unfortunate bystanders who get shot or beat up, but, all in all, the story wraps itself into a little knot that turns into a pretty bow at the conclusion of the film. I liked this one for its complexity and uncomfortable laugh scenes.
A Necessary Death
A Necessary Death is a documentary about a documentary. Gilbert is doing a final thesis for film school in L.A.—it’s about suicide. Gilbert believes if you don’t cross a line in filmmaking, people are going to just overlook your work. His cameraman and sound girl tell Gilbert he needs to do some legal legwork before they’ll agree to the project. Is it even legal to follow and interview someone who’s going to end their life? Are there liabilities or consequences? As it turns out, NOT stopping someone from killing themselves is not illegal—assisting them is criminal, but not simply observing.
Gilbert places an ad looking for people willing to be the subject of his documentary. He assumed this film would be difficult to find a subject; however, he ended up having 11 messages on his answering machine when he arrived home the next day. After watching some of the interviews for potential candidates, his team begins to realize this topic is more than just an “outside-of-the-box” film subject. His sound girl is having serious reservations about helping with this, but the cameraman hesitantly agrees to doing it. Also, we find out that the sound girl is an ex-girlfriend of Gilbert, which may shade some of the project.
The film school won’t condone the project, nor allow the use of the school’s name, nor allow the use of the school’s equipment, nor fund the project at all. However, if the project is completed under the guidelines of the thesis project and turned in by the deadline, it will be accepted as a final project and Gilbert will graduate. So, Gilbert’s mother remortgages her house to help fund the project. Gilbert finds a subject with a brain tumor who wants to choose the time of his death, rather than let the tumor kill him, causing immense pain. The filming goes on and is surprisingly touching for a documentary. Despite some motion-sickness-inducing hand-held shots, it is shot in a real, raw manner that works much better than a flashy Hollywood-feel with added polishing.
The film crew tries to find out what makes their subject tick. They hang out with him, go to the beach, play tennis, meet his mom (which ends up being very heart-wrenching), and stake out suicide places. Gilbert realizes the crew may be too close and wishes they would have shot things more cold than they ended up doing. In fact, their subject ends up changing some of his plans due to some complications with the crew. The experience of shooting this film apparently changed some of the crew and helped some of them grow up. The movie ends very abruptly and with a twist.
Gilbert places an ad looking for people willing to be the subject of his documentary. He assumed this film would be difficult to find a subject; however, he ended up having 11 messages on his answering machine when he arrived home the next day. After watching some of the interviews for potential candidates, his team begins to realize this topic is more than just an “outside-of-the-box” film subject. His sound girl is having serious reservations about helping with this, but the cameraman hesitantly agrees to doing it. Also, we find out that the sound girl is an ex-girlfriend of Gilbert, which may shade some of the project.
The film school won’t condone the project, nor allow the use of the school’s name, nor allow the use of the school’s equipment, nor fund the project at all. However, if the project is completed under the guidelines of the thesis project and turned in by the deadline, it will be accepted as a final project and Gilbert will graduate. So, Gilbert’s mother remortgages her house to help fund the project. Gilbert finds a subject with a brain tumor who wants to choose the time of his death, rather than let the tumor kill him, causing immense pain. The filming goes on and is surprisingly touching for a documentary. Despite some motion-sickness-inducing hand-held shots, it is shot in a real, raw manner that works much better than a flashy Hollywood-feel with added polishing.
The film crew tries to find out what makes their subject tick. They hang out with him, go to the beach, play tennis, meet his mom (which ends up being very heart-wrenching), and stake out suicide places. Gilbert realizes the crew may be too close and wishes they would have shot things more cold than they ended up doing. In fact, their subject ends up changing some of his plans due to some complications with the crew. The experience of shooting this film apparently changed some of the crew and helped some of them grow up. The movie ends very abruptly and with a twist.
Summer Scars
In Summer Scars, some British kids skip school and wreak havoc about the town. Two of them steal a scooter from an old lady. Another of their friends carries his paraplegic brother into the woods with them. They hang out in the woods at a fort they’ve built and just have a good time during the summer. Two of them take off on the scooter and end up hitting a random guy in the woods.
The guy has lost his dog, and the kids decide they’ll help him track down his dog (named Jesus). The random guy’s name is Peter and he ends up pairing up with one of the kids named Paul (sense a theme here?). Two skater kids show up and start harassing the school-skipping kids. Peter whips out a gun and runs off the skaters, but the other kids are a little weirded-out by the gun. Peter gets a little creep-show on the kids and talks about them joining his “army.” Then Peter tells the kids to beat him up and when they get too rough, he starts handing out an ass-whoopin’. One of the kids tries to run away and Peter captures him; while capturing the one kid, another runs away. The hunt begins again.
The guy says the police will be here soon and continues to be creepy with things he does and says (including leading them in a random prayer from out of nowhere). Then he forces Paul to drop trou and show the girl the hair on his balls—I told you it was weird. Then he tries to get the girl to show him hers, by showing her his. The one kid that ran away shows back up with a gun he stole from his father and shoots Peter. The kids leave the guy in the woods (after the y remember to go back and pick up the paraplegic brother) and the movie ends.
This movie had potential to really be interesting if they would have put in some sort of plot twist or not let it fizzle at the end. I was really surprised when I saw the credits rolling. Then, during the credits, there’s a cell phone ringing and you see Peter’s bloody hand—but nothing happens. It completely fizzled, like they ran out of money and had to wrap up the film as tightly—and boring-ly (is that a word?)—as possible. The film was shot well (with the exception of the scooter-riding scenes) and had good tension, music, and acting. But it simply didn’t go anywhere, which is unfortunate. Kind of an anti-climactic let-down. True story or not, if it’s not actually interesting, why make a movie about it?
The guy has lost his dog, and the kids decide they’ll help him track down his dog (named Jesus). The random guy’s name is Peter and he ends up pairing up with one of the kids named Paul (sense a theme here?). Two skater kids show up and start harassing the school-skipping kids. Peter whips out a gun and runs off the skaters, but the other kids are a little weirded-out by the gun. Peter gets a little creep-show on the kids and talks about them joining his “army.” Then Peter tells the kids to beat him up and when they get too rough, he starts handing out an ass-whoopin’. One of the kids tries to run away and Peter captures him; while capturing the one kid, another runs away. The hunt begins again.
The guy says the police will be here soon and continues to be creepy with things he does and says (including leading them in a random prayer from out of nowhere). Then he forces Paul to drop trou and show the girl the hair on his balls—I told you it was weird. Then he tries to get the girl to show him hers, by showing her his. The one kid that ran away shows back up with a gun he stole from his father and shoots Peter. The kids leave the guy in the woods (after the y remember to go back and pick up the paraplegic brother) and the movie ends.
This movie had potential to really be interesting if they would have put in some sort of plot twist or not let it fizzle at the end. I was really surprised when I saw the credits rolling. Then, during the credits, there’s a cell phone ringing and you see Peter’s bloody hand—but nothing happens. It completely fizzled, like they ran out of money and had to wrap up the film as tightly—and boring-ly (is that a word?)—as possible. The film was shot well (with the exception of the scooter-riding scenes) and had good tension, music, and acting. But it simply didn’t go anywhere, which is unfortunate. Kind of an anti-climactic let-down. True story or not, if it’s not actually interesting, why make a movie about it?
Seventh Moon
In Seventh Moon, a couple is spending their honeymoon in China. The movie opens at a street festival to honor the spirits of ghost legends, and they’re checking out the activities, burning papers with wishes/prayers on them, and sampling local food and drink. They meet back up with their tour guide/driver and he drives them into the country and gets lost. Their driver goes to find help at this old creepy house and doesn’t return after an hour, so the couple goes and looks for him in the dark.
The house they stop at appears to be some sort of random slaughter house with cages for animals around the perimeter, but there is blood everywhere—turns out the animals were sacrifices to keep the spirits away. The couple gets back in the missing driver’s car and takes off, but they don’t know how they got to the slaughterhouse. Frankly, the wife is a bitch that has issue with her husband falling asleep during the multiple-hour drive and blames him for them being lost. Then she gets all smart-assed and impatient when he tries to find a radio station and has trouble translating it for her. A random human–shaped figure runs out of the woods in front of their (stolen) car and they swerve off the road and get stuck. They get unstuck and begin arguing again. She blames him for being Chinese and wanting to go to China for their honeymoon—told you she was a bitch.
They end up hitting a random person on the road and they throw the guy into the back of the (still stolen) car. They start to hear things in the woods and these pale-skinned things end up chasing them. They come across another house in the woods and go inside. The guy they hit attacks them and tries to get the couple to sacrifice themselves, or those pale-skinned creatures are going to come in and get them all. There’s lots of yelling and punching and running and darkness and suspense and bone crunching. Then it gets weird(er).
The spooky creatures hear a whispering voice that makes them leave, but makes the husband think it’s a good idea to go to find their lair. There are candles everywhere, and chanting. Then the couples’ clothes start coming off, like some creepy monster orgy. Turns out this capturing of tourists is a regular thing for Chinese monsters. Who would have known?! The husband is still needed for the sacrifice, to save his wife from the monsters. But will his sacrifice really save her? I won’t ruin it for you.
This film is very dark—and I don’t mean the humor, I mean the lighting. It made CSI look like it was filmed on a sunny day at the equator at noon. I spent several minutes reversing the film to rewatch scenes that I was unable to make out. There are long sequences of no action but heavy breathing, which I’m assuming were meant to build suspense, but ended up making the film longer and boring. The camera work is really shaky since it’s handheld (this film is from the director of The Blair Witch Project—you’d think the guy made enough money off that film to buy a tripod or something). The plot itself wasn’t clear, which was magnified exponentially by the aforementioned lighting issue and unsteady camera work. I don’t even have any suggestions as to how to make this film better (aside from brightening it a notch or two)—it’s just a lot of sub-par things compounded to make a pretty poor film. Personally, I was more scared by the trailer than the actual film—the trailer makes this film look like it will scare the hell out of you, but it didn’t even come close.
The house they stop at appears to be some sort of random slaughter house with cages for animals around the perimeter, but there is blood everywhere—turns out the animals were sacrifices to keep the spirits away. The couple gets back in the missing driver’s car and takes off, but they don’t know how they got to the slaughterhouse. Frankly, the wife is a bitch that has issue with her husband falling asleep during the multiple-hour drive and blames him for them being lost. Then she gets all smart-assed and impatient when he tries to find a radio station and has trouble translating it for her. A random human–shaped figure runs out of the woods in front of their (stolen) car and they swerve off the road and get stuck. They get unstuck and begin arguing again. She blames him for being Chinese and wanting to go to China for their honeymoon—told you she was a bitch.
They end up hitting a random person on the road and they throw the guy into the back of the (still stolen) car. They start to hear things in the woods and these pale-skinned things end up chasing them. They come across another house in the woods and go inside. The guy they hit attacks them and tries to get the couple to sacrifice themselves, or those pale-skinned creatures are going to come in and get them all. There’s lots of yelling and punching and running and darkness and suspense and bone crunching. Then it gets weird(er).
The spooky creatures hear a whispering voice that makes them leave, but makes the husband think it’s a good idea to go to find their lair. There are candles everywhere, and chanting. Then the couples’ clothes start coming off, like some creepy monster orgy. Turns out this capturing of tourists is a regular thing for Chinese monsters. Who would have known?! The husband is still needed for the sacrifice, to save his wife from the monsters. But will his sacrifice really save her? I won’t ruin it for you.
This film is very dark—and I don’t mean the humor, I mean the lighting. It made CSI look like it was filmed on a sunny day at the equator at noon. I spent several minutes reversing the film to rewatch scenes that I was unable to make out. There are long sequences of no action but heavy breathing, which I’m assuming were meant to build suspense, but ended up making the film longer and boring. The camera work is really shaky since it’s handheld (this film is from the director of The Blair Witch Project—you’d think the guy made enough money off that film to buy a tripod or something). The plot itself wasn’t clear, which was magnified exponentially by the aforementioned lighting issue and unsteady camera work. I don’t even have any suggestions as to how to make this film better (aside from brightening it a notch or two)—it’s just a lot of sub-par things compounded to make a pretty poor film. Personally, I was more scared by the trailer than the actual film—the trailer makes this film look like it will scare the hell out of you, but it didn’t even come close.
Junkie Nurse
In Junkie Nurse, a guy in medical scrubs, Eric, is driving a junked-out car around town, shooting up drugs (yes, while driving). He ends up hitting a guy who has escaped from an old folks home. He returns the old guy to the home and ends up in a job interview with the head nurse. I’m not even sure if that was planned or not. Apparently, the guy’s goal is to get into the pharmacy inventory. He ends up befriending the guy that he hit and they strike a deal to get Eric more drugs.
The nurse’s first night, one of the old people dies and he has to call the paramedics to come get the body. Eric falls asleep on the job, and wakes up and quickly types a report about the guy’s passing. He gets on the boss’s good side with this industrious attitude.
There is a crotchety old woman from Puppetmaster, who makes Eric’s life hell. She’s a not-so-old lady pretending to be old and dingy and crotchety. She doesn’t pull it off very well. Eric breaks up a fight between the old guy he’s struck a deal with and another old man, and drives him into the hood to get all stoned. The boss tries to find the old guy, but Eric has him on a field trip to the ‘hood. The old guy cancels the deal he’s got going with Eric because Eric isn’t keeping his end of the bargain. The entire facility is on lock down, but people get out all the time, which is odd.
Eric throws the old man a birthday party with booze and drugs, but it’s in the middle of the night, which I didn’t get at all. Then Eric keeps shooting up in the bathroom at night. The old guy ends up dying on Eric towards the end—but at the same time, the boss gets fired for cashing old folks’ checks and Eric gets a promotion. The residents still love Eric. Why? Because he offers to get them water at any opportune moment. Dumbest premise for a film ever, just a non-interesting chain of events that would never ever happen in a million years.
This movie is poorly acted, and poorly filmed. It’s got an awful script, most of which doesn’t make sense and is completely implausible. Just about everything in this movie angered me, not quite to the point of me yelling at the screen while watching, but close. Don’t waste your time on this film, even if it does make it to a theater—which isn’t likely.
The nurse’s first night, one of the old people dies and he has to call the paramedics to come get the body. Eric falls asleep on the job, and wakes up and quickly types a report about the guy’s passing. He gets on the boss’s good side with this industrious attitude.
There is a crotchety old woman from Puppetmaster, who makes Eric’s life hell. She’s a not-so-old lady pretending to be old and dingy and crotchety. She doesn’t pull it off very well. Eric breaks up a fight between the old guy he’s struck a deal with and another old man, and drives him into the hood to get all stoned. The boss tries to find the old guy, but Eric has him on a field trip to the ‘hood. The old guy cancels the deal he’s got going with Eric because Eric isn’t keeping his end of the bargain. The entire facility is on lock down, but people get out all the time, which is odd.
Eric throws the old man a birthday party with booze and drugs, but it’s in the middle of the night, which I didn’t get at all. Then Eric keeps shooting up in the bathroom at night. The old guy ends up dying on Eric towards the end—but at the same time, the boss gets fired for cashing old folks’ checks and Eric gets a promotion. The residents still love Eric. Why? Because he offers to get them water at any opportune moment. Dumbest premise for a film ever, just a non-interesting chain of events that would never ever happen in a million years.
This movie is poorly acted, and poorly filmed. It’s got an awful script, most of which doesn’t make sense and is completely implausible. Just about everything in this movie angered me, not quite to the point of me yelling at the screen while watching, but close. Don’t waste your time on this film, even if it does make it to a theater—which isn’t likely.
Today's Special
Today’s Special is a film about a sous chef named Samir working his way up in a fancy kitchen in NYC. He’s got his hopes set on becoming the head chef at an expansion restaurant from the one he’s currently working in. His boss has other plans.
Samir quits his job and tells coworkers he’s going to Paris to work at a fancy restaurant. He goes home to tell his parents about it and this causes his father to have a heart/panic attack from the stress. The doctor tells Samir’s dad to take it easy, so Samir offers to run his father’s restaurant. Samir tries to be the boss, but finds out it isn’t as easy as stepping into the role at a high-class restaurant.
Samir befriends a cab driver who has some experience cooking. In fact, the cabbie turns the restaurant around with his amazing Indian cooking, and the crowds are beating down the door. The father decides to sell the restaurant just as the restaurant gets a huge boost from a New York Times review.
The film is well-acted and fairly believable; however, there are TONS of opportunities for this to be a “food porn,” and it falls completely flat in that aspect. The cooking is very glossed over and not filmed well. Even a little quality lighting would have helped. You WANT there to be slow motion shots of the food, but that doesn’t appear to be the director’s MO, sadly. In fact, I heard a number of viewers mention the same thing after the film. It’s a good story with a good love story, but there’s a lot left out. The romantic portion of the movie could have been expounded on a bit (remember, this is a GUY saying this), and the pacing could have been a little better. It started strong, then got long-winded, then got good again. And the fact that the cabbie got like 10th billing was a little disappointing as well. He was the one with all the character pizzazz!
Decent film and pretty amusing, but I wished it had been better.
Samir quits his job and tells coworkers he’s going to Paris to work at a fancy restaurant. He goes home to tell his parents about it and this causes his father to have a heart/panic attack from the stress. The doctor tells Samir’s dad to take it easy, so Samir offers to run his father’s restaurant. Samir tries to be the boss, but finds out it isn’t as easy as stepping into the role at a high-class restaurant.
Samir befriends a cab driver who has some experience cooking. In fact, the cabbie turns the restaurant around with his amazing Indian cooking, and the crowds are beating down the door. The father decides to sell the restaurant just as the restaurant gets a huge boost from a New York Times review.
The film is well-acted and fairly believable; however, there are TONS of opportunities for this to be a “food porn,” and it falls completely flat in that aspect. The cooking is very glossed over and not filmed well. Even a little quality lighting would have helped. You WANT there to be slow motion shots of the food, but that doesn’t appear to be the director’s MO, sadly. In fact, I heard a number of viewers mention the same thing after the film. It’s a good story with a good love story, but there’s a lot left out. The romantic portion of the movie could have been expounded on a bit (remember, this is a GUY saying this), and the pacing could have been a little better. It started strong, then got long-winded, then got good again. And the fact that the cabbie got like 10th billing was a little disappointing as well. He was the one with all the character pizzazz!
Decent film and pretty amusing, but I wished it had been better.
King Cobra
Some scientists, are working on bio-genetically altering animals (like they do). An evil red head (Malachi from Children of the Corn) takes over the lab. The experiment goes wrong and almost everyone in the lab dies, some from the explosion, and some from the 30-foot king cobra (with a rattle in his tail for some reason) that magically appears without any explanation.
Cut to two years later (…really? That’s a long time for a giant snake not to get some notice…). The snake is on a killing spree all around town. The local doctor is leaving the town for bigger and better things and his girlfriend (the town sheriff) is trying to get him to stick around. But they both get called on by the people to stick around town and help with all these mysterious deaths. The mayor (the guy from Gremlins) knows they’ll take care of it.
Apparently all around this small town are hundreds of serpentologists who can just show up at the drop of a hat. One of those serpentologists (or herpetologists, actually) is Mr. Miagi. He doesn’t have much going on, so he rolls over to the slowly disappearing city and tries to figure out what he can do. The town is midway through a beer festival, so there’s lots of rowdies walking around all the parks with blue party cups dancing like idiots. And a hilarious cameo by Eric Estrada, who’s playing a flaming gay peg-leg-pants-wearing fifi-dog-holding boyfriend of a townsperson, does absolutely nothing for this movie at all. Does he even have street cred anymore, or influence people to buy poorly written movies? Nope.
The small town doctor is still trying to get away to the big city when they find out the only other doctor in town has been eaten by the snake. So the guy at the local gun store just starts throwing guns into the hands of anyone wearing camouflage. The mayor shuts down the beer festival. And then we find out why the cobra has a rattle—because a cobra was gene spliced with a diamond back rattlesnake to produce a super-aggressive test specimen, DUR.
The sheriff sends all kinds of people out into the woods with guns to hunt this thing. Mr. Miagi is trying to trap the thing instead of kill it, since he’s a scientist. The other people are just trying to stay alive. Sadly, I’m not sure if it’s the snake that is killing the townspeople or the terrible special effects. Ridiculous slow motion, poorly edited shots, super fake snake models that roar like lions, echo-y voices in dream sequences, and Mr. Miagi spinning around on a blurry merry-go-round—any one of these things could have killed one of the townspeople hahahaha.
This is a pretty boring movie, even as far as bio-genetically engineered giant aggressive animal movies go. There’s nothing you aren’t expecting, no plot twists, and pretty awful acting. Don’t bother with this one. It isn’t going to change anyone’s life and now my eyes hurt from rolling them so much…I should have grabbed that 40 of King Cobra beer to make this one more palatable. It couldn’t hurt.
Cut to two years later (…really? That’s a long time for a giant snake not to get some notice…). The snake is on a killing spree all around town. The local doctor is leaving the town for bigger and better things and his girlfriend (the town sheriff) is trying to get him to stick around. But they both get called on by the people to stick around town and help with all these mysterious deaths. The mayor (the guy from Gremlins) knows they’ll take care of it.
Apparently all around this small town are hundreds of serpentologists who can just show up at the drop of a hat. One of those serpentologists (or herpetologists, actually) is Mr. Miagi. He doesn’t have much going on, so he rolls over to the slowly disappearing city and tries to figure out what he can do. The town is midway through a beer festival, so there’s lots of rowdies walking around all the parks with blue party cups dancing like idiots. And a hilarious cameo by Eric Estrada, who’s playing a flaming gay peg-leg-pants-wearing fifi-dog-holding boyfriend of a townsperson, does absolutely nothing for this movie at all. Does he even have street cred anymore, or influence people to buy poorly written movies? Nope.
The small town doctor is still trying to get away to the big city when they find out the only other doctor in town has been eaten by the snake. So the guy at the local gun store just starts throwing guns into the hands of anyone wearing camouflage. The mayor shuts down the beer festival. And then we find out why the cobra has a rattle—because a cobra was gene spliced with a diamond back rattlesnake to produce a super-aggressive test specimen, DUR.
The sheriff sends all kinds of people out into the woods with guns to hunt this thing. Mr. Miagi is trying to trap the thing instead of kill it, since he’s a scientist. The other people are just trying to stay alive. Sadly, I’m not sure if it’s the snake that is killing the townspeople or the terrible special effects. Ridiculous slow motion, poorly edited shots, super fake snake models that roar like lions, echo-y voices in dream sequences, and Mr. Miagi spinning around on a blurry merry-go-round—any one of these things could have killed one of the townspeople hahahaha.
This is a pretty boring movie, even as far as bio-genetically engineered giant aggressive animal movies go. There’s nothing you aren’t expecting, no plot twists, and pretty awful acting. Don’t bother with this one. It isn’t going to change anyone’s life and now my eyes hurt from rolling them so much…I should have grabbed that 40 of King Cobra beer to make this one more palatable. It couldn’t hurt.
Robogeisha
Robogeisha starts with a guy running for the office of prime minister. His assistant comes in and tells him if he doesn’t withdraw from the election, his life will be forfeit. The future prime minister pledges his love to a dancing geisha who’s singing about baseball. He cops a feel on his lady friend and she freaks out and splits in half. Literally splits in half, and two scantily clad Japanese Goblins emerge from inside her. I can tell right away this movie is going to be awesome.
The robot girl leads the representative away from the ensuing martial arts extravaganza and a circular saw blade pops out of her mouth. Meanwhile, in the martial arts fray, the lady goblins fire ninja stars out of their asses—I’m not kidding—and kill the representatives assistant. Circular-saw-robot is interrupted by Robogeisha, who saves the representative from certain doom.
Flashback to Robogeisha’s childhood and we see her older sister is a fancy geisha. Robogeisha’s name used to be Yoshie, and she’s never going to be hot enough to be a geisha like her sister. Yoshie catches the eye of the president of a steel company. He sees that she has something special and invites her to dinner. They are attacked in the woods and Yoshie defends the guy, then runs away. The guy calls forth the previously seen lady goblins who spray the attacker with “hell’s breastmilk”—this seems to be acid sprayed from their breasts. It isn’t getting any more normal-sounding, is it?
Yoshie is recruited to be in the steel company’s secret military project where they’re making assassin geishas. Yoshie has to fight her sister to join the team, and they both end up being recruits. As they progress through their training, they are given special robotic cyborg-type “enhancements.” The two sisters are sent on a mission to prove themselves in the field, and the older sister gets hurt. However, Yoshie keeps moving up in the ranks and becomes a great assassin.
Yoshie fails at the mission but is given more chances. She is sent by the steel company to break up a troublesome ring of old folks. Yoshie finds out the old people are simply meeting to try to get their captured daughters back from the steel company. Yoshie knows many of their daughters and granddaughters, and tries to figure out a way to return the ladies to their families.
The film is done by the same people that did Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police, so there are some pretty hilarious fight scenes in this film, many of them involving ridiculous weapons sprouting from all sorts of places on ladies’ bodies. It’s quite amazing and now I’m worried I will have REALLY messed up dreams. The special effects in this film are really awful, but in that comical way that makes you hope to see more. There are some outlandish costumes and plot twists, but the movie is amusing. This might be a good one to watch with a group, since people won’t believe you when you tell them everything that happens in this movie.
The robot girl leads the representative away from the ensuing martial arts extravaganza and a circular saw blade pops out of her mouth. Meanwhile, in the martial arts fray, the lady goblins fire ninja stars out of their asses—I’m not kidding—and kill the representatives assistant. Circular-saw-robot is interrupted by Robogeisha, who saves the representative from certain doom.
Flashback to Robogeisha’s childhood and we see her older sister is a fancy geisha. Robogeisha’s name used to be Yoshie, and she’s never going to be hot enough to be a geisha like her sister. Yoshie catches the eye of the president of a steel company. He sees that she has something special and invites her to dinner. They are attacked in the woods and Yoshie defends the guy, then runs away. The guy calls forth the previously seen lady goblins who spray the attacker with “hell’s breastmilk”—this seems to be acid sprayed from their breasts. It isn’t getting any more normal-sounding, is it?
Yoshie is recruited to be in the steel company’s secret military project where they’re making assassin geishas. Yoshie has to fight her sister to join the team, and they both end up being recruits. As they progress through their training, they are given special robotic cyborg-type “enhancements.” The two sisters are sent on a mission to prove themselves in the field, and the older sister gets hurt. However, Yoshie keeps moving up in the ranks and becomes a great assassin.
Yoshie fails at the mission but is given more chances. She is sent by the steel company to break up a troublesome ring of old folks. Yoshie finds out the old people are simply meeting to try to get their captured daughters back from the steel company. Yoshie knows many of their daughters and granddaughters, and tries to figure out a way to return the ladies to their families.
The film is done by the same people that did Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police, so there are some pretty hilarious fight scenes in this film, many of them involving ridiculous weapons sprouting from all sorts of places on ladies’ bodies. It’s quite amazing and now I’m worried I will have REALLY messed up dreams. The special effects in this film are really awful, but in that comical way that makes you hope to see more. There are some outlandish costumes and plot twists, but the movie is amusing. This might be a good one to watch with a group, since people won’t believe you when you tell them everything that happens in this movie.
The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine
Yeah, this title got your attention too, didn’t it? I bought this film in hopes that it would stand up to scrutiny from my friends at Valentine’s Day-themed Bad Movie Night. However, it ended up with three strikes against it: 1) It’s subtitled and my friends hate to read while looking at gratuitous nudity; 2) It’s Italian, which means it makes no sense, despite seeing loads of gratuitous nudity; 3) It’s one of the worst plots ever, sadly not redeemed by gratuitous nudity.
The movie starts out with a man on the run from the Spanish Inquisition (I know, right? NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!). The heretic is shot and falls off his horse, but it must not have been a big deal since he somehow finds the power to defeat trained soldiers in a sword fight. The heretic, Esteban, heads to a nearby convent which we find out is the convent his lover is being held at to keep them from marrying each other.
The verger (butler/handyman) for the convent finds a hiding spot for Esteban and tries to bring him back to good health; apparently, making out with your lover who’s about to become a nun helps. Random punishments and stretchings are common at this convent and all are done topless—because, why wouldn’t you? Fortunately for us, all of the old lady nuns keep their clothes on during these beatings. The girlfriend, Lucita, is accused of harboring her lover—and also murder, after her lesbian roommate is discovered dead in the hallway. She’s tortured (topless, of course) and eventually confesses. That’s how interrogation worked back in the day.
Things get really crazy at this point. The Head Abbess ends up being Satan in a habit. People start dying left and right. Then some people are just rumored to be dead. The head inquisitor orders the convent sealed up with cement so the nuns (really quickly) go crazy with hunger, thirst, and lesbianism, after they paint a picture of Lucifer with a large member on the convent wall— it’s weird how that happens. Hahaha.
The film is decently acted, but the sets are terrible, and the plot is pretty ridiculous. Despite there being plenty of topless and pointless activity, it isn’t “hot” at all. It isn’t even interesting, in fact. I probably would have ranked it higher if I hadn’t seen the film—the title alone is enough to make my own thoughts far more perverse than what they actually show in the film. This movie was made in the 1970s and that explains a lot, but I set my expectations far too high with this one. I won’t be showing it at Bad Movie Night—sorry, pervs…
The movie starts out with a man on the run from the Spanish Inquisition (I know, right? NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!). The heretic is shot and falls off his horse, but it must not have been a big deal since he somehow finds the power to defeat trained soldiers in a sword fight. The heretic, Esteban, heads to a nearby convent which we find out is the convent his lover is being held at to keep them from marrying each other.
The verger (butler/handyman) for the convent finds a hiding spot for Esteban and tries to bring him back to good health; apparently, making out with your lover who’s about to become a nun helps. Random punishments and stretchings are common at this convent and all are done topless—because, why wouldn’t you? Fortunately for us, all of the old lady nuns keep their clothes on during these beatings. The girlfriend, Lucita, is accused of harboring her lover—and also murder, after her lesbian roommate is discovered dead in the hallway. She’s tortured (topless, of course) and eventually confesses. That’s how interrogation worked back in the day.
Things get really crazy at this point. The Head Abbess ends up being Satan in a habit. People start dying left and right. Then some people are just rumored to be dead. The head inquisitor orders the convent sealed up with cement so the nuns (really quickly) go crazy with hunger, thirst, and lesbianism, after they paint a picture of Lucifer with a large member on the convent wall— it’s weird how that happens. Hahaha.
The film is decently acted, but the sets are terrible, and the plot is pretty ridiculous. Despite there being plenty of topless and pointless activity, it isn’t “hot” at all. It isn’t even interesting, in fact. I probably would have ranked it higher if I hadn’t seen the film—the title alone is enough to make my own thoughts far more perverse than what they actually show in the film. This movie was made in the 1970s and that explains a lot, but I set my expectations far too high with this one. I won’t be showing it at Bad Movie Night—sorry, pervs…
Sharktopus
This not-based-on-a-true-story movie starts out with a shark attack on a bikini-clad co-ed. Yes, I said STARTS OUT. Brilliant. Eric Roberts is a scientist who has developed a combination of a shark and an octopus—a sharktopus, if you will. This sharktopus, named S-11, protects the girl from being eaten by a shark. Then the remote controller breaks off the sharktopus and it goes on a killing spree, targeting no one in particular.
The scientists are now trying to capture S-11 and bring him back home where he can be re-controlled. Eric Robert’s hot daughter is flirting with a young reckless scientist who’s trying to get paid all sorts of money to help out Eric Roberts. The sharktopus is on a murderous rampage in Puerta Vallarta, and a reporter has shown up to film it all and interview a local fisherman. The film crew catches some incredible footage, since they just happen to be in the right place at the right time —every time. And yes, the sharktopus attacks are as hilarious as you think they would be. Ever since I heard about this movie concept, I’ve dreamed about sharktopus attacks, and the ones on the film are pretty close to my scotch-induced dreams.
The sharktopus can walk on land using his tentacles, and walks all over. Just when people think they’re safe, the thing walks onto the shore and snaps them in two. The scientists are trying to hit the sharktopus with a tranquilizer gun so they can reestablish a remote control device on it and bring it home, but obviously the sharktopus isn’t having it. Anger the sharktopus, you get bit —maybe I’ll put that on my headstone when I die. The tranquilizer is in limited supply, so the scientists end up wasting all of it. The nerd and the vigilante scientist are just about fall in love when the tough guy is sent to finish off the sharktopus. They’ve given up on taking it alive—they just need to destroy it at this point.
The CGI (which is everything involving the sharktopus) is quite awful in this film. It is actually does approach the point where it’s comical, but doesn’t quite make it there. It simply remains in the embarrassingly annoying stage—which is unfortunate. The plot isn’t anything special, but at least was linear enough to base a decent movie around. Sadly, it wasn’t paced well and didn’t have me waiting for the climax of the movie. I was just waiting for it to be over so I could find something else to do. I had high hopes for Sharktopus making it to bad movie night, but I don’t think the action in the entire film is going to hold our attention.
The scientists are now trying to capture S-11 and bring him back home where he can be re-controlled. Eric Robert’s hot daughter is flirting with a young reckless scientist who’s trying to get paid all sorts of money to help out Eric Roberts. The sharktopus is on a murderous rampage in Puerta Vallarta, and a reporter has shown up to film it all and interview a local fisherman. The film crew catches some incredible footage, since they just happen to be in the right place at the right time —every time. And yes, the sharktopus attacks are as hilarious as you think they would be. Ever since I heard about this movie concept, I’ve dreamed about sharktopus attacks, and the ones on the film are pretty close to my scotch-induced dreams.
The sharktopus can walk on land using his tentacles, and walks all over. Just when people think they’re safe, the thing walks onto the shore and snaps them in two. The scientists are trying to hit the sharktopus with a tranquilizer gun so they can reestablish a remote control device on it and bring it home, but obviously the sharktopus isn’t having it. Anger the sharktopus, you get bit —maybe I’ll put that on my headstone when I die. The tranquilizer is in limited supply, so the scientists end up wasting all of it. The nerd and the vigilante scientist are just about fall in love when the tough guy is sent to finish off the sharktopus. They’ve given up on taking it alive—they just need to destroy it at this point.
The CGI (which is everything involving the sharktopus) is quite awful in this film. It is actually does approach the point where it’s comical, but doesn’t quite make it there. It simply remains in the embarrassingly annoying stage—which is unfortunate. The plot isn’t anything special, but at least was linear enough to base a decent movie around. Sadly, it wasn’t paced well and didn’t have me waiting for the climax of the movie. I was just waiting for it to be over so I could find something else to do. I had high hopes for Sharktopus making it to bad movie night, but I don’t think the action in the entire film is going to hold our attention.
The Troll Hunter
In this Norwegian homage (I think) to The Blair Witch Project, a set of video recordings shows up at a film studio anonymously. It shows footage from an amateur film crew from a college in Norway following Hans, a Norwegian troll hunter. Like Blair Witch, it is all handheld shots, with long sequences of running, screaming, and mysterious sounds. However, this film has TROLLS instead of a “witch.”
Knowing full well that this film was all handheld, I got smart and took Dramamine before going to the theater—yes, I’m dead serious. Normally, I’d just close my eyes for 95% of the film like I did with The Wrestler, but this film has subtitles that I’d have to read to understand the storyline. We also ended up getting the second to the front row of the theater, which doesn’t help the motion-sickness I’m afflicted with.
Norway has been seeing a lot of bear attacks recently. There’s a guy in a Range Rover that always seems to be around whenever these bear attacks show up. The national bear hunters (yes, the bear population in Norway is regulated by the government) don’t know who he is, so they are all suspicious of him, especially since he keeps to himself and only goes out at night. They think he’s a poacher. There is a college news reporter, a cameraman, and an audio girl that interview the hunters and try to get an interview with the mysterious lone hunter. The lone hunter refuses, so the film crew follows him. A LONG way.
The crew finds the hunter (Hans) and follow him into the woods one night. They hear all kinds of strange sounds and see flashing lights. Then, the hunter bursts out of the woods right in front of them and yells, “TROLL!!!!” The crew and hunter have a discussion about whether trolls are real, and the fact that the crew’s car is flattened and mangled seems to lend some heavy weight to the “Fact” side of the argument.
In effect, the government has hired Hans to keep an eye on the troll population, who have been in Norway since the dawn of time. If the trolls venture out of their assigned region, the Troll Hunter is called to destroy the troll. UV light makes them either turn to stone or explode (depending on the age of the troll). The whole thing is covered up by blaming it on bears, and, in some cases, planting evidence, which the DNR representative has to explain away in public statement. All sorts of fairy tales and legends are proven and disproven for the film crew as they follow the Troll Hunter from region to region. Some trolls appear to be 10 feet tall, and some are as large as mountains.
The suspense in the movie is pretty solid. The film does a great job of using the lighting and sounds to its advantage. The CGI in the film leaves a lot to be desired, but probably works better since the cameras are all handheld (probably a nightmare to work with in combining digital and handheld footage—so kudos to the editors for that part). The actors in the film are rumored to be popular Norwegian comedians, so there’s a bit of fun in the movie. Nothing slapstick or outright comical, but there are parts where glances at the college kids’ cameras are caught and lend a lighter atmosphere of this pretty dark film. Despite the super nausea-inducing camera work (including REALLY long scenes of running and simple lack of action) and the non-professional CGI trolls thrown in, this movie was quite good. I don’t think I’d rave about it, but I would recommend it to most people. There isn’t a lot of gore, but the suspense is high, even when reading text from the screen and trying to follow the action in your peripheral vision so you don’t throw up.
And I will warn you in advance, a lot of the trailers contain a serious amount of spoilers, so keep that in mind.
Knowing full well that this film was all handheld, I got smart and took Dramamine before going to the theater—yes, I’m dead serious. Normally, I’d just close my eyes for 95% of the film like I did with The Wrestler, but this film has subtitles that I’d have to read to understand the storyline. We also ended up getting the second to the front row of the theater, which doesn’t help the motion-sickness I’m afflicted with.
Norway has been seeing a lot of bear attacks recently. There’s a guy in a Range Rover that always seems to be around whenever these bear attacks show up. The national bear hunters (yes, the bear population in Norway is regulated by the government) don’t know who he is, so they are all suspicious of him, especially since he keeps to himself and only goes out at night. They think he’s a poacher. There is a college news reporter, a cameraman, and an audio girl that interview the hunters and try to get an interview with the mysterious lone hunter. The lone hunter refuses, so the film crew follows him. A LONG way.
The crew finds the hunter (Hans) and follow him into the woods one night. They hear all kinds of strange sounds and see flashing lights. Then, the hunter bursts out of the woods right in front of them and yells, “TROLL!!!!” The crew and hunter have a discussion about whether trolls are real, and the fact that the crew’s car is flattened and mangled seems to lend some heavy weight to the “Fact” side of the argument.
In effect, the government has hired Hans to keep an eye on the troll population, who have been in Norway since the dawn of time. If the trolls venture out of their assigned region, the Troll Hunter is called to destroy the troll. UV light makes them either turn to stone or explode (depending on the age of the troll). The whole thing is covered up by blaming it on bears, and, in some cases, planting evidence, which the DNR representative has to explain away in public statement. All sorts of fairy tales and legends are proven and disproven for the film crew as they follow the Troll Hunter from region to region. Some trolls appear to be 10 feet tall, and some are as large as mountains.
The suspense in the movie is pretty solid. The film does a great job of using the lighting and sounds to its advantage. The CGI in the film leaves a lot to be desired, but probably works better since the cameras are all handheld (probably a nightmare to work with in combining digital and handheld footage—so kudos to the editors for that part). The actors in the film are rumored to be popular Norwegian comedians, so there’s a bit of fun in the movie. Nothing slapstick or outright comical, but there are parts where glances at the college kids’ cameras are caught and lend a lighter atmosphere of this pretty dark film. Despite the super nausea-inducing camera work (including REALLY long scenes of running and simple lack of action) and the non-professional CGI trolls thrown in, this movie was quite good. I don’t think I’d rave about it, but I would recommend it to most people. There isn’t a lot of gore, but the suspense is high, even when reading text from the screen and trying to follow the action in your peripheral vision so you don’t throw up.
And I will warn you in advance, a lot of the trailers contain a serious amount of spoilers, so keep that in mind.
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