The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine

Yeah, this title got your attention too, didn’t it? I bought this film in hopes that it would stand up to scrutiny from my friends at Valentine’s Day-themed Bad Movie Night. However, it ended up with three strikes against it: 1) It’s subtitled and my friends hate to read while looking at gratuitous nudity; 2) It’s Italian, which means it makes no sense, despite seeing loads of gratuitous nudity; 3) It’s one of the worst plots ever, sadly not redeemed by gratuitous nudity.

The movie starts out with a man on the run from the Spanish Inquisition (I know, right? NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!). The heretic is shot and falls off his horse, but it must not have been a big deal since he somehow finds the power to defeat trained soldiers in a sword fight. The heretic, Esteban, heads to a nearby convent which we find out is the convent his lover is being held at to keep them from marrying each other.

The verger (butler/handyman) for the convent finds a hiding spot for Esteban and tries to bring him back to good health; apparently, making out with your lover who’s about to become a nun helps. Random punishments and stretchings are common at this convent and all are done topless—because, why wouldn’t you? Fortunately for us, all of the old lady nuns keep their clothes on during these beatings. The girlfriend, Lucita, is accused of harboring her lover—and also murder, after her lesbian roommate is discovered dead in the hallway. She’s tortured (topless, of course) and eventually confesses. That’s how interrogation worked back in the day.

Things get really crazy at this point. The Head Abbess ends up being Satan in a habit. People start dying left and right. Then some people are just rumored to be dead. The head inquisitor orders the convent sealed up with cement so the nuns (really quickly) go crazy with hunger, thirst, and lesbianism, after they paint a picture of Lucifer with a large member on the convent wall— it’s weird how that happens. Hahaha.

The film is decently acted, but the sets are terrible, and the plot is pretty ridiculous. Despite there being plenty of topless and pointless activity, it isn’t “hot” at all. It isn’t even interesting, in fact. I probably would have ranked it higher if I hadn’t seen the film—the title alone is enough to make my own thoughts far more perverse than what they actually show in the film. This movie was made in the 1970s and that explains a lot, but I set my expectations far too high with this one. I won’t be showing it at Bad Movie Night—sorry, pervs…