Poultry-geist: Night of the Chicken Dead

This is another Troma movie, so just keep that in mind through the review. First off this movie has one of the best opening dialogues ever and nudity. And for those of you who know me well, you’ll know what “to the elbow” means. I’ll hand it to Troma, they get as many different types of people into their movies (including midgets, fatties, and paraplegics) along with broadway-style terrible songs (with asinine lyrics or libretto as the theater folks call it) and dancing. And Ron Jeremy is in the film early. If you are easily offended by insanely over the top fecal humor, do NOT see this film. And there’s WAAAAY too much singing in this film, and if you don’t have Trey Stone from Southpark writing your songs or lyrics, then don’t bother. And there’s an AMAZING amount of blood being sprayed all over the place in this film. Even more than a Japanese horror film (and that’s a LOT). It’s filled with bad puns, racism, politically-incorrect humor, and bad special effects. I love bad movies and I wouldn’t even recommend this one, though I give Troma credit for pulling out all the stops when they decided to make their own bad movie instead of distributing other people’s bad movies.

Blades

This is a Troma movie, so you know it’s bad. It’s an 80’s horror movie about a golf course. So take Caddyshack (and remove the humor) and combine with Friday the 13th (and remove the horror) – you’ve got Blades. A golf pro (with terrible acting skills) starts a new job for a golf course owner (with equally poor acting skills) and ends up sleeping with the owner’s wife. Meanwhile, there’s a tournament happening at the golf course and a serial killer of some sort hacking people to bits. They don’t actually show any of this, except for limbs sticking out of sand traps and clothing scattered in the woods. They go on a police-endorsed “maniac hunt” (yes, that’s what they call it). They find random scary bald guy in the woods, but it turns out, it’s not him. Plot spoiler…. It’s a lawnmower with a taste for human blood. Ha ha ha. This movie has a lot of stupid stuff in it. Don’t bother, unless you like weak golf slasher movies without slashers.

Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace

Really low budget movie about Bigfoot. From the makers of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. They should have stopped after JCVH, honestly. It's pretty bad. IT starts out like "The Warriors" which amused me. Harry Knuckles is a hilariously bad kung-fu guy who gets hired to track down big foot. He fights all kinds of people in pursuit of the sasquatch, including punk rock nuns wearing lingerie. Every time he moves, whether fighting or not, it makes the kung-fu "swish" sound. It's hilarious. He even punches one of the nuns in the crotch for finishing move. Not sure why, but I cracked up. Harry's best friend is a Mexican wrestler. Together they fight more people, including Harry's twin brother, also played by Paul Caracas. There's some sweet girl cat fight action, but not a lot of boobs, so don't get your hopes up. Guest cameo by Lloyd Kaufman of Troma fame, who keeps spitting out quarters from his mouth for NO apparent reason. One of the most hilarious scenes is El Santo's (the meskin wrestler) wedding. He has to fight a bunch of people and one of them shoves a tube up Santos' rear end and blows a rat into it. It's classically stupid. There's ninja stars and blowguns and Harry gets stabbed in the choad with a knife (who thinks of this stuff?) One of my favorite scenes is when Harry's brother runs past a street vendor selling a box of puppies ad he stomps them. Completely out of context, but you can't stop laughing. There's a paddleboat chase scene (seriously, have I convinced you to see this movie or not!?!?!) The outtakes are worth watching as well.

Ultrachrist

Troma-style sacriledge. AWFUL movie that cracked me up. Just when I thought it couldn't get any stupider, it DOES. I did laugh, numerous times, but you've got to be a real trooper to get through this. You'll like it if you do, but I wouldn't recommend this to mom, since her and Jesus are friends.

The Janitor

horror comedy about a janitor who gets mad at people and then shops them up into bits. pretty stupid, but there's a cameo by Lloyd Kaufman of Troma in it if that gives you any indication. Awful acting, insane blood everywhere, and VERY nice boobs.