Year One

I was unsure how this movie was going to be initially. In fact, I saw it last night and I’m still unsure what I think. Jack Black’s humor is starting to become blasé in my opinion. He’s still a spazz, but now that you expect it, it’s not as cutting or “out there.” However, the redeeming character in this film was Michael Cera. The kid always plays the same part, which I know some people complain about, but seriously, he made this film happen. Every time he talked, it was brilliant. His uncomfortable-in-his-own-skin quirkiness is a hilarious counterpart to Jack Black. It takes place back in biblical times in Genesis, but they just throw in a bunch of stories people know and aren’t really shooting for historical (cough cough bullshit cough cough) accuracy. So you’ll get Sodom and Gomorrah and Cain and Abel and the tree of knowledge, etc. David Cross has a mildly amusing part, but I like him better in other stuff. I kept telling myself, “I don’t like this film” but found myself laughing really heartily through much of it. My final overview is: Terrible movie, but enough consistent one liners to make it really funny. (Watch the outtakes during the credits as well)

Bear Cub

This foreign film takes place in Madrid and is about a gay man (a bear) who gets to watch his 9-year old nephew while the kid’s mom goes off to India. The guy tells all of his friends they can’t come over for a couple weeks while he watches the kid, but they keep showing up. The kid knows his uncle is gay and is totally fine with it, but the uncle is freaked out because the kids mother and his friends think the 9-year old is gay. The mother gets detained in India for trying to cross the border with drugs, so the kid will be staying a little longer than expected. The bear’s fiends miss him, so they throw a big party for the bear and kid. It’s hilarious. BAM! And then things get all dramatic and I’m crying like my father during a Kodak commercial. Totally unexpected. If you can get over the full frontal and the explicit gay sex scenes, this movie is one of the best gay films I’ve seen.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Not even sure what number this one is in the series, but I think it’s about 5 or 6. This film was good if you’ve seen and like the previous films. The plot wasn’t as cool as some of the other ones, but it made up for it in action, special effects, and explosions. The CGI didn’t anger me like a lot of films and actually added to the film, rather than taking away from it. Harry’s almost suspended from the school for doing magic in view of the humans. The school stops teaching actual magic, so Harry ahs to step up and teach the other kids. It’s a fine movie and I had to see it before the new one comes out in a few weeks. It’s worth seeing, but you really do need to see the other films for it to make much sense.

Bikini Bloodbath

This is one of those movies you know exactly what you’re getting when you look at the cover. Here are the first few scenes (you’ll know what I’m talking about): Movie opens with a girl getting out of bed. She’s apparently supposed to be a teenager since she has “White Liger” posters all over her room. She walks to high school (which looks abandoned) and goes to gym class with other 25 year old whores who have pigtails and squeal, implying they’re in high school. Cut to shower scene where naked girls periodically look in the direction of the camera and wash each other’s backs. I’m sure the film makers took camp to the extreme intentionally since the 25 year old foot ball players roam the halls wearing shirts that literally say “football player” on them. Hilarious. Bam! Then a chef stabs a girl in the woods. Other awesome shirts/signs include “B-Movie Trash”, “Football Coach”, and “Car”. This movie is perfect for bad movie night as long as your guests don’t mind really gratuitous nudity. It’s hilariously awesome. And the best part is... I own the sequel "Bikini Bloodbath Carwash". Wurd.

Guys and Balls

This is a German movie about soccer. The main character is a goalie for his local team and loses the game on a penalty shot. After the game, his team mates find out he’s gay. They kick him off the team and publicly humiliate him. He challenges his former team to a soccer match – against a team of gay soccer players he’s going to assemble in four weeks. The music is a little 90210 poppy, but it’s a decent film. And it’s very campy gay as well. There’s a couple of other story lines going, but overall, if you like soccer and have the ghey (not that there’s anything wrong with it), you’ll like this movie.

Bubble

This is an Israeili movie about a couple of couples, some gay, some straight living in modern Tel Aviv. One Israeli kid is living in Tel Aviv and falls in love with a Palestinian who is out of the military. The story follows the hidden relationship they have where it’s forbidden. The question is asked, if a gay suicide bomber dies, what awaits him in heaven? 70 virgin boys or 70 muscular studs? Hilarious. It’s not a very uplifting movie, but it’s got a lot of feeling and passion behind it. I liked this film more than I thought I would.

Oversexxed Rugsuckers from Mars

Aliens try to mate a human with a vacuum cleaner. Seriously that’s the plot. A bum in fact. The bum is put into the care of a psychologist who’s trying to rehabilitate him, but the vacuum cleaner is off and raping women and apparently impregnating them. There are some hilariously terrible sex scenes in this, but it’s a tad outlandish, even for my taste. I wouldn’t bother with this one, even for a bad movie night, but it did make me chuckle a couple of times.

Clean Shaven

This is a really messed up independent film about a crazy guy who might have beat up a little girl (like 9 yo) on the street right at the beginning of the movie, and then it goes on to see him flip out and tape newspaper on the inside of his car and over mirrors so he can’t see his own reflection. He lives with his mother for short stints but she expects 10 dollars a day to sleep in his own room. Then the cops find him in the woods with a young girl and they shoot him. Then the cop gets all depressed about shooting him. That’s how I saw the film. As some of you know I HATE having to read the box/liner notes to figure out the plot of a movie. HATE IT. Apparently, the guy is schizophrenic and just released from a mental institution (not explained in the movie). He goes to his mother’s house to find out she has put the guy’s own daughter up for adoption (not explained in the movie). The only thing I did get right was the cop thinks the crazy guy is a child serial killer and shoots him. Don’t bother with this movie.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry somehow gets invited to participate in the tri-wizard competition, usually played by three players. There are three other more experienced wizards competing against Harry for the honor of being the Champion. All sorts of bad things happen to Harry, including losing his best friend temporarily. The wizards have to compete in three difficult tasks and Harry does exceptionally well in the tasks. One of the wizards ends up dying in Harry’s arms. It’s one of the best in the series. The only CGI issues I had were with the second challenge underwater. It just looked waaaay too fakey for me. It even looked less real than the carriage drawn by unicorns and that’s a difficult feat. Ha ha. There was also a “ball” where a nu-metal band played, which I thought was waaaay out of whack with the rest of the film and unnecessary. And the entrance of the female wizards annoyed the heck out of me with its fakey choreographed stupidity. Otherwise, I thought it was a good film.

Schoolgirl Report, Vol. 2

This is the sequel to the first Schoolgirl Report. Apparently the first terrible documentary sparked some questions, so the producers did a second one to try to wrap things up a bit. They explain how girls in high school seduce a teacher who then kills himself. Then they talk about how young girls should be when they’re taught about sex. Then there’s some bits on prostitution/stealing and then drugs. There’s a hilarious blonde guy who has this hilarious but weird twitch where his lower jaw swings right in a painful-looking jerk. And there’s a hilarious party scene where some dancing breaks out. Since it’s from the 70’s they don’t show male nudity and lesbian sex is perfectly acceptable. It’s done as a documentary featuring “experts”, but I’m pretty suspicious about these experts…

Pan’s Labyrinth

This movie won a bunch of awards if I remember right. Though I’m not sure how with all the ridiculously fake CGI. A girl moves to the woods so her and her mother can be with the guy that’s just married her mother, a Spanish army captain. The girl stumbles upon a magical world in a labyrinth out back and the CGI faun talks her into doing these three tasks whereby she’ll truly become the princess she really is. The movie has sooooo much stupid CGI, I just kept more and more angry. I wouldn’t bother with this movie, even though it won awards. I don’t believe any of the characters in the film and I just don’t care about any of them.