Gutterballs

This is a kind of homespun (but higher-budget than most) horror film about a bowling alley killer. It must be a really small town because the jocks and the outcasts have a regular competition at a local bowling alley (which NEVER would have happened in my hometown). So the D-bag jocks and their popped collars battle against a tranny, a ghey, a metal guy, and an African-American gentleman. Apparently one of the outcast’s ladies stood up one of the jocks on prom night and the crap talking commences to the point of roid rage. The jocks end up raping the whorey outcast in the bowling alley (in a REALLY uncomfortably long scene which should have been cut down by about 10-15 minutes). The two groups meet again the following night to finish the competition, and then they start getting picked off by a killer who wears a bowling bag as a mask and uses bowling pins to violate and disembowel its victims. It’s a pretty terrible movie and despite using fake phallus-es (or is it phalli?) it’s pretty darn sexually explicit. There’s also buckets of blood and stupid dialog. I had hoped for more camp and less uncomfortable rape scenes.

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie

I’ve been a fan of Trailer Park Boys for a number of years. It’s a Canadian television series about life in a trailer park. Thankfully, it has all of the original television cast in the film, so that thrilled me. Julian and Ricky are best friends, but complete morons and keep getting arrested. In prison, someone gives Julian the idea to steal change from parking meters, since they’re not going to throw you back in jail for that kind of theft. They keep bumbling all sorts of things. Meanwhile, Ricky is trying to win back his x-girlfriend who is now stripper. I thought it was pretty funny. But I think you have to be a fan of the television show to like the movie. I don’t think the movie is going to win over any newbies to the series, but I could be wrong.

Inglourious Basterds

I love Quentin Tarantino films and I always have. I know they’re campy and have super far-fetched action and gore scenes, but I really think he’s a creative story-teller and entertainer – he also knows where to draw the line, but loves to step over that line regularly. This movie is an alternative history film about a special ops force during World War II sent into France to kill as many Nazis as they are able to. They are a hodgepodge mix of soldiers, mostly Jews, and a couple of Nazi defectors. They are led by Brad Pitt, an outlandish Tennessean who is part Apache, so he asks the soldiers to bring him scalps. So the thing you’re going to hear in most reviews is the gruesomeness of the scalping scenes. Sure, that was awesome, but the acting in this film is amazing. The main characters were all 100% believable, with Brad Pitt being the least believable, yet still believable in his outlandishness. The Germans in this film are actually played by Germans and are equally brilliant, especially Colonel Landa. It obviously has Tarantino’s hilarious quirks in the film, including inappropriate music and slow-motion bloodbaths. Just go see this film, unless you’re squeamish. It’s probably the best film this year in my opinion, but I still have a bunch more to see before I can say that with any authority.

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash

I saw the first one of these films, Bikini Bloodbath, and it was awful. Sadly, this one is even worse, and not even in a bad movie night sort of way (the first one was great for bad movie night). In the first one, a killer chef goes on a killing spree of high school kids and one girl finally kills him with a rake. In this second film, the chef comes back as a zombie killer chef and goes on killing the kids who are now in college. Most of the original people are in the movie and are even more stupid than the last time. Yes, there is a carwash, which is how the girls make money, but seriously, they could have taken that out of the film and saved me like half an hour. The redhead in the film, known for her outrageously teased hair and sickening facial expressions while trying to be pouty, is the first one to die in this film, odd since she died first in the last film. There’s lots of super fakey blood, and intestine eating, and gratuitous nudity. There’s also the two football guys who play hilarious homo-phobic, yet almost openly homosexual, d-bag jocks. Don’t waste your time with this one, even if you like gratuitous nudity. Stick with the first one if you want to have people over and host a bad movie night.

Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust

Yes, that seriously is the name of the film. I watched the first one a few months back and it was terrible. Gary Busey is a killer who gets the electric chair and the mom sends the ashes (after she puts a spell on them) to the victims family. The family owns a bakery and accidentally get the ashes in the dough along with some blood – out pops the Gingerdead Man who goes on a killing spree. In part 2, they couldn’t even convince Busey to join the cast (Which should tell you a LOT), so they just make the Gingerdead Man’s voice scratchy so you can’t tell. A B-movie producer is making terrible films and one of the catering people brings cookies (one of them in s the Gingerdead Man) for the crew. Guess what, Gingerdead Man goes on a killing spree. He then tried to make love to some of the puppets and they end up crucifying in a hilarious mockery of the Mel Gibson film Passion of the Christ. Sacreliciuos, you say? It’s an awful movie. Stupid, in fact. Don’t waste your time. And don’t waste your time watching the first one in case you think you might want to see the second one. Believe me, you don’t want to see either one.

Prosti

This is a film from the Philippines about a girl who’s basically sold into the brothels by her aunt. She still a virgin so she’s been reserved by a high-power customer. The brother errand-boy is given charge over her to make sure she’s ready for her first John and the errand-boy fake crashes his motorcycle so she won’t have to go to the job. She eventually does but the errand boy falls in love with her, which is against the rules of the house. It’s a decent movie, and I’m surprised how graphic the director made this while still showing almost no nudity at all. It’s kind of impressive actually. It’s not the most action-packed foreign film I’ve ever seen, but it was decent as far as brutal whorehouse films go.

Lust in the Dust

This is a modern day wide-screen western. Even though it contains Divine and Tab Hunter, it’s not a John Waters film. Apparently, the director made a special point not to rip off John Waters’ style in making this film. It’s about a small town in New Mexico back in the olden days called Chile Verde. Word is, there’s gold buried in town and people try to find it. A stranger and a chorus girl roll into town searching for it. People start dying. Then the bad guy’s gang rolls into town and more guys die. It’s pretty rawkus and bawdy, but it’s pretty amusing. If it were a John Water’s film, it would be all of the above, but less amusing. And thank goodness Edith Massey didn’t get given the part in this movie, or it would have ruined the film (in my opinion). I don’t know that I’d recommend this to a ton of people, especially people who are squeamish, but if you want to see the most legit film Divine ever did, this is a great example. Eve the behind the scenes stuff talks about how high-brow this film is for these actors. It’s pretty good.

I Love You Man

My nephew’s wife wanted to see this one, and since we had just forced her to watch The Punisher, it was our turn to watch a chick flick, right? This film was actually quite hilarious. I’m glad we watched it. This guy is getting married and realizes he doesn’t actually have any guy friends to either tell the news to or to stand up there with him. He ends up going on “man-dates” with a couple of guys that end up hilarious. Lou Ferrigno is hilarious in this film, as is Lt. Dangle from Reno 911. The guy he finds to be friends with makes him question a lot of things, but everyone ends up happy in the end. There were a TON of lines in this film that we all laughed through. I’d totally recommend this film to any guy. It’s a winner.

The Punisher

I’m not a huge fan of comic book based films. I usually like them, but since I’m not a comic book nerd, I know a lot is lost on me. This one is about a guy that retires from the FBI special ops and goes to a family reunion before his family is moved to London. The bad guys, led by John Travolta, track the Punisher down and kill his whole family at the reunion. The Punisher then goes on a rampage to avenge his family’s death and blows up a lot of stuff. It’s got lots of glass and explosions, so I really liked it a lot. I don’t think I lost much of the context by not knowing the original comic, so that worked out well for me. Great film that kind of surprised me.

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

This is a short film (like 43 minutes short) about a mad scientist, played by Neil Patrick Harris. The scientist is in love with a random smoking hot girl. And did I mention it’s a musical. Seriously, a musical. I powered through, though. Dr. Horrible can’t talk to this girl because she’s hot. His nemesis, Dr. Hammer, ends up saving the hot girl and she falls in love with Hammer. I’m not saying the music or libretto is bad, I’m just saying I’m not a fan. If it wasn’t for the girl in the short movie, I probably wouldn’t have made it all the way through. Apparently, this is some gay comic book musical nerd’s dream-made-film. This film annoyed me more than angered me. I wouldn’t recommend it at all unless you love musicals and or Doogie Howser.