Heat

This is a movie from 10+ years ago starring Pacino and DeNiro. You’ve probably seen the beginning of it, but being as the film is 3+ hours long, you may not have made it all the way to the end. Honestly, it’s a great film. Lots of action, shooting, fire, shooting, explosions, shooting, glass, shooting, and car chases. Pacino says some of the most hilarious lines in the film industry in the film as well. Some expert bank robbers wind up on the radar screen of Pacino, who is a super-cop specializing in bringing down teams like this. But DeNiro is really good, until he gets mixed up with a lady (they ruin everything, clearly). I thought about writing this review as long as the movie feels so you get the point, but I’m so exhausted after watching it. Just watch it (and call in sick to work the following day because it will still be rolling then).

War, Inc.

This is a John Cusack movie that reminds me a LOT of Gross Point Blank. It takes place in the future where corporations run everything on the planet. Wars are outsourced to these large corporations and Cusack is basically a hired mercenary sent to the middle east under the guise of running a large “Brand USA” tradeshow. They’re trying to kill one of the middle east leaders and there’s a female journalist who he’s got his eye on. At the same time, this pop star who Cusack is hosting has a thing for him.It’s got some hilarious parts in it where you’re not sure if you’re supposed to be laughing or not. And then it gets all serious and blowing up and stuff. It doesn’t have Minnie Driver in it, so that’s a bummer.His sister Joan is in the film though playing his assistant. But all in all, if you can suspend belief a little bit, it’s really good.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

A bunch of kickball people decided to book one of the VIP rooms at the AMC theater to watch Harry Potter. We thought this might be a good way to get a bunch of people in a dark room to protect their dignity publicly tarnished for being a fan of the Harry Potter films/books. This was one of the best ideas ever. It’s like $5 per person more and you can bring snacks and talk all you want.

Anyway, the movie is, in my opinion, the best of the bunch so far. Although the first one is probably better since the whole landscape and scenario was totally new. It’s got tons of action, and really only one “come on!” moment when the music turns all sappy and Harry and Weasley’s sister get friendly. There were also only a couple of CGI moments that frustrated me, especially because I think they were scenes where you really could have shot them live. Harry goes back to school and is enrolled in a potions class and ends up with the text book owned by some half-blood prince. The text has all been hand corrected making all of Harry’s spells work splendidly. Malfoy continues to be a pain in the ass and there is some weirdness with Snape and Dumbledore. Don’t bother seeing it if you haven’t seen all 300 of the other ones. I really enjoyed it though. And watching the film in giant lounge chairs, without my shoes on, and eating someone else’s Fritos, made the film that much more enjoyable.

[Note: The people I was watching with REALLY loudly exclaimed “THAT’s not in the book!” during one 3 minute scene. You know what? I liked the scene because it reminded me of Children of the Corn. So when you get to that part, shut yer hole and let people watch the movie.”]

Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula

I’m sure this is an independent film, but I’m not sure from where – Europe or South America. The plot seems a little sketchy. There’s a large number of people disappearing in the city and there’s suspicion that this really bizarre stripper named the Killer Tarantula is capturing them and eating them, which she is. The overdubbed English voices are a hilarious mix of British and horribly broken English, which really adds to some of the comedy factor. I’m sure it’s supposed to be a scary movie, but I’m not the least bit frightened. And there’s a lot of nudity and stripping scenes, all of which I don’t want to see since the women in them are pretty gross and haggard. This is the one time I’ll actually wish Hollywood had made this film with attractive girls in it. This movie is painfully bad. There is nothing redeeming except for the hilarious overdubbed accents.

Strange Circus

I’ve heard this movie is really messed up, and it’s 100000% true. It starts off with a master of ceremonies explaining the circus. She asks if anyone in the audience would like their heads cut off and then she brings a young girl on stage. Then it cuts to a completely unrelated sex scene. The little girl from the stage is put inside a cello case and forced to watch her dad have sex with her mom. Then the father takes the daughter out and puts the mom in the cello case to watch her husband have sex with her daughter. I TOLD you it was messed up. It also doesn’t help there’s a crazy dwarf dressed as cupid running around doing cartwheels at the circus. The girl jumps off a building to kill herself after she kills her mother and the doctors save her (I’m seriously not making this up). This movie is typical of Japanese films in that I really have no idea what I just watched, but I didn’t hate it. Wow, it’s weird though. Really weird.

40 Year Old Virgin

I have been way lax in watching some of the more popular movies and Gerd always gave me crap about this one in particular. I’m glad I did. I know it’s stupid, but there’s a lot of hilarious one liners and situations. I think Seth Rogan is hilarious in this movie, as usual. Steve Carrel is perfect for this part, since it’s basically his part on the Office. In fact, all of the supporting characters are pretty hilarious. I laughed like an idiot a couple of times and was sort of embarrassed by that. Oh well. And of course, in typical Hollywood fashion, it ends all sappy and everybody wins. The wedding scene should definitely have been cut out. In fact, the last 10 minutes should have been cut. Seriously it got retarded at the end.

Antares

This is an Austrian film about a woman with husband and daughter who’s led an adulterous past. And apparently, she’s got no problem picking it right back up when her x-lover shows up at her work. And things get real graphic (not for long, since he was done in under a minute – but you saw more than you would have in an American film). She finds a way to go back to him (thankfully, she works third shift which lends itself to extra-curricular activity), and eventually runs into her daughter while walking the streets of whatever Austrian town they live in. There’s a side story where a guy is cheating on his girlfriend who’s a complete whackjob and also lying about being pregnant. Things get really convoluted in a cool way where it’s all intertwined between story lines. And then it ends all weird and anticlimactic. It’s pretty good as foreign films go.

The Astounding She-Monster

This is an old black and white sci-fi movie about an alien that lands on Earth in a slinky silver shimmery body suit that I’m positive border this film on an x-rating. In the other plot, a gang of three kidnap a rich lady in hopes of getting a ransom for her. They head to the hills where the space ship landed (they didn’t know there was a spaceship) and shack up with a geologist working in the mountains. The geologist tries to get away from the bad guy and from the terrible actress that is being held captive. The girl from the spaceship start killing people and snakes and dogs and black bears (why did it have to be black?). Then, super plot twist which is lame in today’s times, but I’m SURE was a mind-blower back in the 60s when this film was made. Not a good movie.

Oasis of the Zombies

This is an early 80s film about an oasis in the dessert where there is supposedly millions of dollars buried… and subsequently protected by zombies. An old army guy was killed searching for the treasure and his son and his gang of friends goes searching for it. I’m amazed at the number of times people just show up and start digging at this huge valley-wide oasis (and they always have someone digging in the soft sand with a huge pick-axe for mining – weird). I’m also amazed that in the 80s they didn’t utilize the film technology to shoot scenes in the dark instead of shooting in bright daylight (casting shadows and illuminating various objects) and using some sort of dimmer or filter to make it appear dark outside. The zombies appear to be old Nazis, but the army colonel who was in charge of them was an American (and his son is British). This movie kind of fizzles at the end, and it doesn’t help that it’s pretty stupid through the rest of it.

Public Enemies

I really don’t know all that much about John Dillinger, so I can’t vouch for this historical accuracy of this film. I can however vouch for the timeline accuracy of this film as it took place real-time throughout 1933. Yes, it felt like I was sitting in the theater for an entire year. The film had significant downsides: 1) you can’t understand/hear some of the dialogue 2) the sheer length of the film 3) the feeling that the film lasts way longer than the actual length of time you’re sitting there 4) the camera work seemed like film school stuff – lots of fast panning from character to character and handheld stuff for no reason 5) the post production of this film went from Hollywood polish to 8mm grainy to digital youtube jumpiness. Really distracting. The upsides: 1) Lots and Lots and Lots and Lots of bullets 2) I love Johnnny Depp, even when he doesn’t play a drunken pirate with teh ghey 3) Leelee Sobieski (to whom I would do dirty dirty things). As you can see, the bad outweighs the good by a mile. So if you like Spartacus-length films with lots of shooting and Leelee Sobieski, block off a full day and go see this film. Otherwise, catch an hour documentary on A&E and pretend there’s a ghey pirate playing Dillinger.

Hustle & Flow

This is one of the best MTV movies I’ve seen – in fact, it’s good enough that I didn’t even know it was an MTV movie. This small-time pimp for a cracker-ho and “agent” for strippers hears some gospel music and decides he wants to record some of his own stylings. He comes across a friend from high school who does recording and gets him to help with some of his stuff. Small-time has an in with a big-time flash in the pan rapper from his home town. He gets a demo tape in big-time’s hands (thanks to Chef) and it’s his only shot at getting his demo listened to. Then things go south. This is a good movie, in my opinion. It’s one of the better “hood” movies.

The Alchemist

Here’s what the back of the box says, “A man seeks revenge on an evil magician who places a curse on him.” That’s it. Thanks, Tolstoy. Short and sweet and 100% accurate. Really, a guy tries to save his wife from a magician and accidentally stabs his wife instead of the magician. The curse is the husband stays alive forever. The wife is reincarnated and he doesn’t kill her this time. Instead he kills his own grandmother accidentally. This guy has seriously bad luck. It’s got some bad costumes, and some bad special effects. It’s amusing (though not intended to be), but really a pretty awful movie.

Grim

This is a 90s film about a monster/demon who a group of people bring to this dimension using a Ouija board. It takes them like 10 minutes of a scene just to spell the name “grim”, which is the monster’s name. He can walk through cave walls and pull couches with ladies still aboard down into the mining cave system. They send in mining experts to help figure out why houses are falling into the mine shafts, but Mr. Blow-Things-Up-With-Dynamite gets a little crazy and traps a group of them in the home of Grim. Grim starts killing everyone while they run around in the oddly well-lit caves. It’s not a good movie on any level, so don’t bother.