Prodigal Planet: Thief in the Night, Part IV

Prepare yourself for me going off. This is the fourth film in the "Thief in the Night" series of ultra-xtian brainwashing films. It's the original "Left Behind" concept, but were film by religious nuts (with money) in Iowa and meant to be shown in churches to youth and teens in an effort to scare the bijeezus out of (or maybe into) them if they don't give up their autonomous thought and behavior to the entities they learned about in said church. The tagline on the box is "The true story that is yet to happen." So basically this is a futuristic historical documentary based on a true story that people have pieced together from a book of symbolism, ritual, and myth written 2,000 years ago and based on dreams and visions. Maybe I'll write down my own visions and hope someone in 4009 makes a super sweet movie based on those hallucinations and fed into the chips in people's heads, frightening children into believing in the true religion – which is bacon. The plot, since David Michaels didn't get the mark of the beast on his forehead, he's been captured and is trying to hack into the anti-christ's TRS-80-based computer system for god. But he's really being tricked into divulging the location of all the xtian hideouts so the bad guys can come brutally kill them on screen and totally blow the minds of any of the junior high kids viewing the film. He gets broken out of prison by a supposed double agent and they steal a GIANT RV tank that they suspect will never be seen and apparently is able to drive cross country on backroads without ever filling up with gas. Atomic bombs have been ravaging the US (which is the only country that exists in the mind of rich white xtians), and is shown by cutting in stock footage of A-bomb tests, even though many of them took place on islands, but that's beside the point. Some of the radiation has turned some of the left behind people into mutants who all wear brown robes and hate "normal" people.

Here are some of the films highlights:
• Cooky old preacher who knows everything about the end times and has hand drawn timelines of destruction, but refuses to be "saved". Turns out the guy playing this character is the writer, producer, and owner of the film company, so he's got a lot to say and enough money to trick people into saying it for him. Apparently, he's the only one with enough xtian fortitude to stoop to playing a heathen, sparing anyone else with less money than him the embarrassment.
• Lots of hilariously sweet porn-mustaches
• Pressing enter when a computer asks for a password sometimes works, but only if you're a computer hacker
• They couldn't have found an actress without a floater eye to play Lynda? Really?
• You can shoot a scene using miniatures and xtians will totally buy it
• Abandoned corvettes on the street will have cassette tapes of the rock n roll version of the William Tell Overture (lone ranger theme). I know first hand that xtians actually are only allowed to listen to crap like that (even in a sweet t-top blue mid-70's vette)
• Xtian film makers LOVE guillotine shots
• I'm guessing surplus army equipment was used for costumes cheaply in this film
• Omaha is the first city the Russians will bomb when they somehow scrape up enough money to rebuild their present-day military
• Buzzards can pick a man clean down to his skeleton in a day or two if he can't run fast enough (and if he stupidly gets out of the giant tank RV he's driving full of ammunition
• Secret codes contain musical notes that play the song "Onward Xtian Soldiers" so plainly that I can recognize it (and I haven't been to church in like 15 years), but an ultra-religious escaped con who knows all kinds of hymns can't decipher
• The Antichrist will roll every tank and battleship on the planet into the Middle East to blow up Israel (Not to be callus, but would it really take that many?)
• The mark of the beast can be washed off with a dab of rubbing alcohol and a rag
• When you've been working on deciphering an advanced near-impossible code for a week and your supposed double-agent who's been traveling with you calls you and quickly tells you the secret to the code, you should probably be suspicious
• Saying, "only nudity could save this film" over and over will not make nudity appears (and it still wouldn't have saved the film)
• One of the mutants had a pet boa constrictor named Julius Squeezer and talks to the floater-eyed lady's daughter about it while she uses a "chipmunk" voice, which is moronic. Then he says she just needs a good spanking (because corporal punishment is allowed by the church, but not the DCFS)
• Asking an xtian a simple yes/no question is a signal to pull a bible out and talk for 10 minutes while not answering the yes/no question. I'd like to cut this movie down by about 1.5 hours by splicing in "yes" and "no" whenever a question is asked. This might have to be part of a drinking game

And I JUST found out they've just finished the script writing for the FIFTH movie in the series called "Battle of Armageddon." It's sure to be a winner, shot 25 years after the last movie was released. The story board mockups looks absolutely hilarious and pathetic, but rest assured, I'll be buying it if they ever actually film it and release it. www.battleofarmageddonfilm.com

See, you shouldn't have gotten me started.