Lethal Force

I really shouldn't go into as much detail as I am going to for this movie, but even if I write it here, you wouldn't believe it. This is a bad movie night keeper fo sho. The box says its what scream is to horror films, but for action flicks. Savage is the main character and he's fighting bad guys. I won't even pretend to write the plots. I'll just write bullets so you can get the gist of this one.

• Street fight shown from the knee down. Savage's (who wishes he was A.C. Slater) feet disappear since he's repeatedly kicking the other guy in the face – for like 30 seconds. Rad.
• Slater then dodges a bullet waaay cooler than the matrix and shoots his assailant.
• Jack (we'll call him Peter North) comes home to find a shirtless black man wearing a sportscoat in his den drinking his scotch. Shirtless guy gets shot.
• Black guy's friend (Nicholas Cage-wanna be) slicks his hair back with scotch and then hands out an ass-whoopin. After the completion of round 32, he cracks his neck, but the sound comes before he does the motion. Rad.
• Goes to bad guy-in-a-wheelchair's house where he walks past a creepy woman in a fez laughing like a moron. Peter's wife and kid are being held in the basement before being pistol-whipped and finally shot in the face.
• Peter hooks up with Slater for a man-love moment with music and everything. He then calls Peter a broken pencil – pointless (which is then spelled on the screen).
• Guy tries to mail a letter and it gets thrown out of the mailbox. Slater is hiding inside with a gun (I think that's a serious federal offense).
• Then three men from Africa drive Peter through downtown and mention they're from Wisconsin. They repeat "cheese head" over and over. They pick up Slater and take him to the arrested development house. Slater says they're from Minnesota, not Wisconsin, after he shoots them.
• Nick Cage shows up for a hilarious trench coat spinning fight scene (again). Fortunately, Slater's a much better fighter than Peter. Slater throws charcoal lighter at Nick who then catches on CGI-fire.
• Wheelchair guy has a friend who wears ruffly blue shirts and likes Peter's kid in the basement. Little kid smashes ghey-man with a picture frame just as spandex lady (there's a whole lot of lady in the spandex I might add – I think M.O.D. wrote a song about her) comes in and makes short work of the ghey-man. Then she shoots ghey-man in the jimmy. Yeah, that's right.
• Spandex lady (and her 9) tells the kid no one will touch him to the background music
• Peter: "Bertha's got a nice place if you wanna party." Slater: "Bertha's got a nice place if you wanna catch a disease." What?
• Then a Russian stripper from Atlantic City meets mister DeGass and freaks out cause he's got "summer teeth" (some are here, some are there"). Apparently Mr. DeGass has gone to the finest Orthodontists in Europe (I wasn't aware orthodontics had been in vented yet in Europe).
• DeGass goes outside and gets kicked in the face by Slater and his teeth get knocked normal. Seriously. Then they get kicked out of his face like tic tacs.
• Slater walks in on Bertha about to "rectify" an asian girl with a curling iron. Then Slater makes Bertha hold the curling iron in her bare hands like Grasshopper.
• Peter betrays Slater and brings in his friends to take care of Slater. Slater gets away by throwing a jar of pennies at the bad guys and running away.
• Slater runs to the front of Bertha's go-go club and waxes-on-waxes-off while girls try to kick him in the thighs. Russian/Atlantic City stripper does a decent job of holding her own with Slater, especially after she rips her jacket off, revealing a g-string and butterfly bra. Slater punches a LOT of girls in the face.
• Next, spandex lady plays some hilariously stupid Spanish game with wheelchair guy, then climbs in his lap for making out.
• Slater then fights like 50 Mr. Smiths in an alley. (This movie truly is this disjointed…)
• Slater gets taken captive and Peter tells him to drop his clip just before he reloads his gun. Slater drops the clip and then KICKS THE CLIP INTO HIS OWN GUN and starts blastin Mr. Smiths!!!!! BRILLIANT !!!!
• Slater can't bring himself to shoot Peter, so then they flash back to all the great times they had killing people together with an awesome musical interlude. They're smoking cigars in Vietnam, then fighting samurais. I'm sooooo not kidding.
• Slater pistol whips Peter and walks away. Peter wakes up and drives Slater over with a Saturn. Slater falls out of the 5th floor of the parking garage and walks away. Maybe Kelly Kabowski was waiting for him or something.
• Then Slater staggers to a church where he has a subtitled conversation with Jesus on the crucifix about cookies. "DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!!!"
• Slater pushes the priest back by his face when Peter storms in. Then wheelchair guy rolls in with spandex lady. Wheelchair guy shoots the priest
• Spandex lady picks a flower for peter's son in the middle of a field while Slater is getting beaten by Mr. Smiths. Bertha (looking like a trilobite) chuckles on.
• Then handsome black man with red shoes licks spandex lady's face before she bites his tongue out. He punches her in the face.
• Bertha tries out some trepination on Slater with a Skil-drill. He then kicks the drill up into bertha's throat (he's GOT to be a world champion at hackey sack). Then with knives shoved through his palms, he starts HIGH-FIVING PEOPLE'S FACES. Then uses the blades to deflect bullets like a jedi. There's blood spraying everywhere. Rad.
• Peter punches wheelchair guy in the face. Slater decapitates spandex lady. Then if you've got issues with eyes being punctured, you might not want to watch this part.
• Slater then chases Peter, who's just broken his son free from the basement. Peter give his kid a gun (yes, seriously) and tell him his mom is outside (who was killed early in the film).
• Hate to ruin the ending, but the kid shows up with the gun to shoot Slater. HE hits everything except Slater, including a Canadian goose which apparently gets throw into the scene at random. This is why you should teach kids how to use guns at an early age, right Mr. Heston?
• Then there's an old fashioned shoot out with Slater and the kid, complete with zoom-ins of the intense eyes.
• Wait, I just had to stop the film and write this because it happened too fast for me: Slater and kid just about get to the count of three when dad shows up. Jack throws a knife at Slater who catches it in this teeth. Then, because Slater rules, he flings it back and stabs Peter in the forehead with the knife, flung from his teeth. Right then, the kid gets one shot off with the gun (which until now, has been useless). The bullet takes half of Slater's head off, literally.
• It says there's a sequel in which Slater strikes back. But with missing the right side of his entire head, it's going to be quite a drag. Maybe he kicks his own head back up onto his spinal and continues to slay people. Sorry to ruin the ending, and I'm sorry to ruin this film for bad movie night, but I honestly couldn't believe how awesome it was. Rad to the 17th power.